lf1

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This is the time for me to learn who I am

Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Adelade.”

Since the collapse of my second marriage, I have learned more than I would ever have wanted to know about sociopathy and their source targets – better known as, “victims.” At one point, I had believed that my second marriage was stable, trust-based, and supportive, but I have recounted the years and the stunning discoveries that I made about my ex, and the symptoms (or, Red Flags) were all there, though they were more subtle and the absence of physical abuse, helped to frame the ex’s facade.

Through some very strong counseling, I was able to identify that “inner child” that I’d heard so much talk about. I had always believed that the “inner child” was that core of us that was joyous, innocent, and so forth – a positive aspect of our lives. This is not so. The “inner child” is that part of my development that had been so neglected, so criticized, and so damaged that I developed into a perfect co-dependent victim. Nearly all of my choices throughout my lifetime were based upon the damages that were sustained by that child in development.

Depths of betrayal

When I discovered the depths of betrayal that my second ex had perpetrated, I had enough backbone and common sense to realize that there would be no salvaging of this union. I was able to recognize that he had compartmentalized very disturbing and alarming aspects of his personality to such a degree that nobody (including me) could have pegged him for being the ultra-deviant that he is.

Further investigation of my finances uncovered extensive draining of my personal and individual investments down to zero, and this information only resulted AFTER he left. My suspicions had always been aroused, but his manipulations and deceptions were so subtle and effective that I was simply shocked to learn the truth of what had happened to my investments. While we were married, the ex would assure me that my assets were “safe” and “tied up in real estate,” and he would become exceedingly defensive if I ever questioned him about where my money had disappeared to. He would vociferously throw my queries back into my face by responding, “I’m NOT your EX!”

Okay, he wasn’t my ex. I trusted him, on every level. Yet, there was always something lacking, even though I believed our relationship to be honest, supportive, and “healthy.” He didn’t beat me. He didn’t tell me that I was worthless. He didn’t threaten me at gunpoint. He was just seemed relatively introverted and suspicious of other people, including his own family members. In my mind, no abuse meant no problems. But there were problems. He did not demonstrate support of my accomplishments and achievements. He didn’t attend my graduation. He didn’t attend my Honors Ceremony. My triumphs were downplayed and he always had a plausible excuse for not being there to share in my bright moments.

He openly disdained women, which was something that I didn’t understand at the time. When I once asked him if he had ever read any female authors, he replied (and, I quote), “I just don’t think that women have much to say.” Later, when he read “To Kill A Mockingbird” upon my suggestion, he asked me if Harper Lee had written any other books because “he” had written such a great story. I had remembered his view of female authors, and I took great relish in saying, “Well, SHE won a Pulitzer Prize for that work and it was the only thing that she ever needed to write.” He was floored, to say the least, that Harper Lee had been a female author with her one and only work earning a Pulitzer. In retrospect, I can pinpoint various “red flags” that directly substantiated his intense hatred of women, especially accomplished women. The imagery that he found to be sexually stimulating demeaned women through rape, torture, genital mutilation, murder, and necrophilia.

I stopped blaming myself

Hindsight is always, 20/20, and I tried beating myself up about missing the clues. I’ve stopped blaming and shaming myself for his betrayals because he was one of these types that would be defined as a Case Study in the psychological world. He made deliberate choices to deceive and compartmentalize what he truly is. My physician, counselor, family, and friends, have all mentioned that they thought that these types of situations were only found on CSI or other crime shows – my situation is something that just blew their minds because it was so warped and they each knew the victim of something that couldn’t possibly exist outside of a scripted crime drama.

There’s a lot of discussion about shame and blame, and I think it’s a moral and emotional imperative that those of us who have been victimized by a sociopath need to be kinder to ourselves. “Should have…” is a game that begins with the deliberate, calculating, and malicious machinations of the sociopath. To let go of that shame and blame takes a lot of hard work, self-talk, and strong counseling (IMHO). No matter how much we read and absorb about sociopathy, our personal experiences forego all of the literature and we must soothe our damaged souls in order for those horrific wounds to begin closing up. Those wounds will always be visible, but they will heal over and be a reminder to us of what we survived, and what we need to look out for in every relationship, whether platonic, romantic, work-related, etc.

The “love” that the sociopath took from me and ground into the dirt is now devoted to my own self, my family, and my friends. I have made a conscious decision that I will not ever entertain another partnership for the rest of my life. Sure, I’ll have men who are friends and mentors – I do not have a beef with men. I know that women can be sociopaths just as easily as men can, and nearly all of my relationships have to remain superficial for the foreseeable future. My energies must be devoted to me and my healing, before I open up that door of trust again. And, as for sex … the fact that I had lived with, made love to, and slept beside an individual for almost 15 years that finds violence, torture, and murder of women to be of sexual interest has shaken my own views of my personal sexuality down to its core.

My time

This is my time. This is time for me to learn who I am, who I was meant to be, and take steps to become the person that I want to be and to not base my emergence upon what I think that others want me to be. Whatever the ex did is not my concern, with the exception of the financial resources that he took from me. I am the keeper of my own boundaries and healing. “Understanding” what makes a sociopath behave the way that they choose will not – will not – ever change what’s been done, nor will it prevent someone else from being victimized by my ex. I must simply recognize and accept is that there are some very bad people in the world and that they typically follow a generalized pattern of behaviors. What I must now learn to do effectively is identify the signs of sociopathy and run like hell from anyone who fits the profile, no matter whom they might be.



41 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This is the time for me to learn who I am"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. silvermoon says:

    Newlife,

    Go ahead and laugh. Its so stupid its funny. Its a spathic twitter fit.

    If I was without other resources, I’d ask the listing agent if they could help me find help.

    A staging company is all about that stuff. And since the house is on the market almost, its all about staging.

    Call the realtor if you are using one. Your life may be much improved by getting a real job done anyway.

    Don’t risk your welfare or the opportunity to get your home in best shape to sell.

    You won’t miss the idiot….



    Report this comment

  2. Truthspeak says:

    Newlife08, what a jaggov! I would print out that outrageous email and give a copy of it to my attorney – assisting in moving the furniture WOULD have been “cooperating” for the sakes of the children!

    I can only say that I thank Whomever Is In Charge that I didn’t produce offspring with the exspath.

    We DO have our personal issues “smeared all over us” by the spath – no truer words have been typed! But, I have to believe that we – each one of us – has the “cleanser” in our own possession that will wipe away the slime that the spaths leave behind. I don’t want to give that rat-bastid ANY more of myself than he already took.

    I very much appreciate everyone’s input in the past couple of days – this is not to say that the input isn’t always insightful and helpful to me, but just about every post, comment, article, and story has a direct impact on me, personally. Once again, thank you all…..



    Report this comment

  3. callmeathena says:

    Clair, you’re right about that – best not to bother. My dad sat by for years while I was abused. He didn’t intercept, didn’t validate my feelings, didn’t protect me. I am now free of my abusive mother – no contact in 1.5 years – i have zero regrets – still some anger at my dad – but he doesn’t get it. I’ve given up trying to explain.



    Report this comment

  4. Ox Drover says:

    Athena, trying to explain something like that to your dad is going to be impossible, he “has ears and heareth not, eyes and is blind” as Jesus said. He is in total denial….he has to be. If he accepted what he has allowed he could probably not live with himself, so he is BLIND to it, or his responsibility to put a stop to it.

    He is hoodwinked and totally unable to comprehend. He is a dupe.

    I’m glad you are NC with your egg donor, and that you are starting to recover. Having some anger issues is natural and expected, but just feel these, and work on these and on getting the bitterness out of your heart toward her, accepting that she is what she is, and it isn’t your fault. You didn’t have the kind of nurturing mother that we all deserve, but “life ain’t fair” so get on with living the life that you make for yourself. Enjoying the life that you can have if you don’t waste it being bitter at her.

    Loving ourselves, and letting go of our expectation that we are loved by those we wish loved us helps us to grow in spite of not having those expectations fulfilled.

    Loving ourselves! One day at a time!



    Report this comment

  5. Truthspeak says:

    I so very badly want to emerge from these experiences – I really do. I still have moments when I allow myself, “I wonder if he even thinks about me, at all?” I know the answer, and it may be hurtful, but it’s truthful: he will never lose a moment’s sleep over what he’s done.

    Giving in to the hopelessness of the situation is very, very tempting – give in, give up, and dissolve into a helpless pile of goo. Well, if I do that, then the exspath WINS. And, dammit, he’s NOT going to win! I’m gonna win, and I’m gonna do it to the best of my ability.

    ONCE AGAIN……Donna, thank you for this site.



    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.