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Unforgiven Fear Mongers – Who is hurting me now?

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

If someone is continuously harming you, and refuses to stop, should they be forgiven?  This is a question that I hope you will try answer at the end of this post.

My dad is a convicted serial killer.  He killed 4 people and told me about the crimes with great pride.  He used me, his favorite son, to help him destroy evidence when he felt that I might be a risk. He made me a part of this so that I would not go to police.  He abused my mom, and brothers and sisters.

This is not the place to try to make one experience with a sociopath out to be any worse than another, they all bring about the same feelings of shame, guilt and often times depression.  The question really is…”what do we do with these experiences?”

As far as I can tell, based on my own experience, is that we have only two choices.  We can let go through forgiveness and find freedom that we never imagined possible turning this nightmare into a net gain that becomes a gift, or we can resist the lesson and continue to punish ourselves for the rest of our lives.

This is The Choice.

How does it make you feel when you think of the pain that was caused by your experience with a sociopath?  Take a few minutes to look within yourself and be honest about how it makes you feel to think about the events that happened to you as a result of your encounter with a sociopath.

If you feel sick, sad, guilty, or regret the past, ask yourself who is harming you with these thoughts and feelings right now.  If the sociopath is not in your life at this time and you are still feeling this pain, where is it coming from and why is it still there?  Finally, if you still feel this way, are you not continuing to give the sociopath the power to control your life and poison existing relationships?

These are tough questions and the answers did not come easy for me.  As long as I was not willing to let go of the past, I continued to suffer.  As a result, I had paralyzing migraine headaches, chronic back pain, nightmares, irritable bowel syndrome and other illnesses that plagued me as a young adult long after my father went to prison.

I “thought” he didn’t deserve forgiveness.  In fact, I was sure of it.  That is because I did not know what forgiveness is.  What I did not realize was that it was not him that I was hurting, but me.

Once again, forgiveness really has very little to do with the other person.  It does not condone the behavior, release them from their responsibilities or say It’s OK to harm people.  What forgiveness really does is release us from an emotional prison that we have created for ourselves.  We hold the key and don’t even know it; because “we think” forgiveness tells the perpetrator that what they did is OK.  Forgiveness is only accepting what already is and what cannot be changed.

There is A Miracle that awaits us when we do this and it changes everything.  Our perspective changes, our outlook upon life improves, and happiness is restored.

Why are so many of us so unwilling to let go of the past?  I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know this, a simple willingness is all that’s needed to make The Miracle possible.  God will show you the way if you ask for His help with a sincere willingness to be free of the past.

Part of the Miracle is that when we let go of the past, we stop repeating it.  Freedom has all kinds of rewards and the end result is gratitude for the experience because of what it really offered.  Listen to those that have found their freedom from forgiving others (and themselves) and you will see this Truth.

Today, The Miracle for me is that I have learned The Truth about suffering.  The only thing that has the power to harm me now is my thoughts.  This is where all suffering comes from.  Freedom from this comes from letting go of the past.

I have none of those physical and emotional illnesses today.  The one thing that changed everything for me was a decision to learn about and pursue forgiveness.  I first had to accept that I knew nothing about what forgiveness really meant.

This helped me to learn a little bit about exactly who was hurting me and why.  If I cannot forgive him for hurting me, then how can I forgive myself for continuing to hurt myself with the experience long after it happened?  I have forgiven myself, but I needed to see the benefits first, trust the process, and forgive my father to be able to do it.

My dad is still on death row and is no threat to me or my family.  He cannot harm me anymore.  When I forgave my father, all I really said was “you can’t hurt me anymore.”

As for me?  I still have do work daily to keep from hurting myself with negative thoughts, but at least I am aware of who is really doing the hurting now and know what to do about it.  Awareness is a great spiritual gift.  I have found much of heaven and am grateful.

I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving  (begins January 19, 2012).  I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.

There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course.  This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.

If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”.  For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.

Peace.



97 Comments on "Unforgiven Fear Mongers – Who is hurting me now?"

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  1. tobehappy says:

    To everyone who responded to my posts…Thank you! I didn’t see the posts until tonite! Sorry!

    Thank you for the advice. It just amazes me how much NERVE these sickos have. He actually sent a photo of himself and a picture of a pool and hottub and said “happy birthday”.

    He owes me 35k plus half the childcare and half the medical for the last ten yrs. Florida sucks. They don’t enforce support orders! He TOLD my daughter he had to move there so they wouldn’t “put me in jail for not paying your mom”!!!

    It takes a lot these days to get my blood bubbling, and let me tell you….he did just that. Not that I don’t know him and how mentally ill he is…but to just hear my daughter tell me what he texted….made me want to vomit.

    I am calmer about it…because I just tell my girls…”he’s mentally ill…and is getting worse as he gets older”. My two older ones understand this…but my 14 yr old really doesn’t understand it totally. She’s the one I am worried about. I see the desire she has for attention and love from him. She was only 3 when we split up. And she has little memory of him. The older ones witnessed the abuse.

    Just hope he stays away for another year. The next time he contacts her…he will be getting the texts of all texts from me!!!

    In the meantime, I want to change venue to have my county here handle my case for support. The county in North Jersey does nothing. I don’t care if he isn’t working. He belongs in jail.

    I still like animals better than people. lol
    Love my cats and dogs.



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  2. Alina says:

    Hello everyone one, just a quick update of a minor victory, but victory. So after the jerk cops at my community refused to help me with the nude pictures online, this morning I went to the DA’s office. It has a blessing that the attorney working my case was there, and she was willing to listen. She informed me that the case has not gone to trail although it has been 4 months since the assault, anyhow, she asked that i attend the trail set for next Wed 1/18. She told me that she is not promising anything but plans to add that to the domestic violence case against my ex.

    She asked that I return to the jerk face cops and demand to have them file a report. I did what I was told but jerk faces (2 male detectives) insisted that my ex had not violated any laws an would not take my report. I felt victimized by jerk faces and I asked one of them to call the DAs office and tell them that. He did and was told by the attorney that “all he needed to be concerned with was taking the report from me and printing the pictures posted online” and she would handle the rest.

    Jerk faces finally took me to another room and began searching for the pics and printed them.

    Even more interesting than that was that while I was talking to the officers there was another 2 ladies filing a domestic violence report and they must have overhead my case.

    When we were alone in the waiting area, one of them asked if it was true that this person posting the nude pics is a coach at our community. I told her that he is a baseball coach at the HS and soccer coach for little girls. She said “you know sometimes, little birds hear things and they just happen to share them with the right people.” Since she saw that I wasnt following what she was saying she said that she worked for the school district and will check on this coach and that her daughter plays soccer with AYSO and will do the same there. Talk about right place, right time.



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  3. skylar says:

    Alina,
    (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
    you made my day.
    I LOVE hearing stories like that.
    exxxxxcccccccellent.



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  4. Alina says:

    Thank you skylar, I figured that is nice to post positive stories too. I find so much courage/inspiration on the article posted not too long ago titled “A lier called Shame.”

    I finally talked to someone at church about my ordeal and explained that I have stayed away bc my ex has been attending. The sick bastard plays the devoted Christian at the same time he is posting these pics.

    I have also contacted the “Human Trafficking” program at church, they deal with sex crimes and I hope to get assistance from them.

    thanks for the hug sky — right back at you!



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  5. darwinsmom says:

    Yes, Oxy

    We use different words, but yes the bitterness is going away.

    Coincidentally I actually dreamed about my ex-spath this night. He and his sister/cousin and other family members visited my parents and myself for our help. He wanted to move and live in Belgium for a new life, and have us support his claims on his past conduct as a good citizen. He asked us (well his sister/cousin) pleaded the case with us on the past of me ever loving him and that he deserved a second chance in life.

    My father (the accountant and technical advizor) went along with it… in that he read the documents and was willing to sign them and regard them as valid, just to get it over with asap. I did not protest, but watched and observed it all from a cold pov. The dream was almost devoid of any emotion: no fear, no incredulousness, no anger, certainly no love. The only feelings I felt were pity and sympathy for the sister… which of course was exactly what was being used to get his way.

    After the meeting, I did say to my father… “Why do they believe I will help him, as if we are still a couple, as if we never broke up… Doesn’t he have the English woman to help him out?”I kinda laughed at the idea alone of helping him.



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  6. Ox Drover says:

    Darwinsmom,

    That is interesting about the dream. Sometimes we work out things in dreams and it helps our healing. Sometimes in my dreams my step father will come to me (he is passed away) and give me the answer I am looking for. I don’t believe it is anything “supernatural” but I think Deep down I know what he would have said, and It is always good advice. Other times the dreams are more symbols, but eventually I get the message.

    I’m glad that your dream didn’t discomfort you, that’s a good sign.

    The bitterness will go away as you heal. If we allow their behavior to cause us to remain bitter, then they have taken control ov our lives. We must TAKE BACK our life from their control! (((hugs)))



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  7. MiLo says:

    Darwinsmom & Oxy ~ I often feel my mom, who passed away 20 years ago, comes to me. Oxy, you remind me of her, she uses the skillet on my head. That’s how she usually comes to me, in one of those “you didn’t just do that” moments. LOL

    The bitterness, there is nothing worse than a bitter old lady. I am old and a lady (I think) – I will not be bitter.

    Alina – WOW – great news, love it – sometimes when you least expect it, out of nowhere comes the answer.



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