Editor’s note: The following email came from an Australian man who we’ll call “Roger.” It recounts his years of experiences with someone he originally met in high school, who he thought was a friend, but turned out to be a sociopath. Notice how this particular sociopath seemed to get nothing from Roger but the pleasure of destroying his love life.
My encounter with the sociopath began in high school at 16 years of age (1994). My younger brother, who was 12, started high school at this time. My brother and I are completely different in both in looks and in personality. I am the outgoing type, whereas my brother is the reserved type. We are like salt and pepper, never really understood why as we grew up in the same home by the same parents, we always got along though, being different.
Fast forward 12 years (2006) my brother got a job at the same company as the sociopath, who helped get him the job. At the time I thought that was very noble of him, considering my brother is shy and reserved. Unfortunately, while working under the sociopath, he would come home stressed and paranoid about how he was not performing well at work. I used to ask myself, why is my brother like this, it was just a call centre job, can’t be that difficult. I still didn’t know we had a sociopath in our lives.
I actually moved in with the sociopath in the city, a two-bedroom apartment leased for one year. Just before we moved in, I attended the company Christmas party where the sociopath and my brother worked. I met a girl who would become my girlfriend at this party, who worked with my brother and the sociopath.
During this time the sociopath was seeing the girl’s cousin. We were both living in the apartment for approximately a month and the mask of sanity slipped, red flags were being noted.
(2007 February) The Sociopath and I bought a small dining table, he decided to build it. His girlfriend was also over at the time, when I noticed he was struggling to put the legs of the table together. He then called me over wanting help with the table, so I went and helped him put the legs on the table and suddenly he yells at me “Roger, Fuck off!” At this point I am thinking to myself WTF, first he asks for help, and then he’s telling me where to go. I was bewildered at this point, thinking what is wrong with this person and this is where things changed between him and me.
We became distant, when eventually he apologised (not an empathic apology, a sociopathic one) as he told me his girlfriend thinks he was rude to me. I noticed ‘the girlfriend thought he was rude, he didn’t think he was rude!’ We weren’t close any more, something was amiss, and who could turn 180 degrees in such a short period of time?
Girlfriend breaks up
A week later my girlfriend at the time (his girlfriend’s cousin) decided to break up with me. Obviously I’m hurt from the break up as I loved this girl, so my emotions at this point in time were running wild. She breaks up with me for no real reason as she did this via text. I am still bewildered and trying to figure out who this supposed friend of 10 years is?
I was in a state of, what did I do to my girlfriend? And what is wrong with my friend? Mind you, I and my former girlfriend were still technically friends, as we would email each other on what was happening. I told her about the table incident.
(2007 March) The Sociopath and his girlfriend come over late one night and I was wearing nothing but my underwear, as soon as he saw me in just my underwear, he yells at me, “Roger put some clothes on will you!” So I did. Then the next day I snapped, “I’m thinking, I am comfortable in my own home wearing underwear and I am getting told off, was I supposed to know his girlfriend is coming over?” A week later the same thing happened, I kept quiet. The next day I told the sociopath off and said, “How about you let me know when she is coming over, and I’ll have some clothes on, otherwise I’ll be naked next time!”
I told my ex about this story as well in an email, I also told her “why do only my friends come to my apartment, where are his friends? I don’t know who he is anymore; I have never seen him like this.”
(2007 March) Devalue and discard was in effect. The sociopath has decided to move out and live with his girlfriend after two and half months. I said fine, but you’re still paying your half of the rent, which he did, surprisingly.
(2007 June) I haven’t spoken to the sociopath in three months, only to find out from my brother that he is now engaged. I asked my brother why he hasn’t told me yet, and my brother said, “he wants to tell you personally.”
I receive a text from my ex (who I know still loved me), asking if I was coming to the engagement party. I told her, “he hasn’t even told me he’s engaged, and that I am not supposed to know, as he was going to tell me personally.”
Two weeks later, the sociopath comes over; mind you, his bed and some of his clothes and belongings are still in the apartment. He decides to tell me he got engaged. I congratulated him, but I noticed he wasn’t very excited about it and stated that his engagement party consists of “it’s just family.” I started getting really suspicious here, as obviously he keeps in contact with my ex, but I thought, well, he is engaged to her cousin.
(2008 February) The ex and I are back together, I have moved back to my parents place to save up for a house. Only to notice the ex being distant from me as we broke up again. I wanted to get things resolved, so I caught up with her, only to find out she is really upset with me and starting mentioning my past with an ex of mine. I never went to detail about her to my ex, as it was in the past. The radar went off again, as there is only one person who knew about my ex-ex so well. And I gave my ex the details of my past.
I said to my ex, “I haven’t said anything to the sociopath yet!” and she said, “Thanks.” I reached another WTF moment. Why is my ex thanking me because I haven’t told the sociopath off? I am thinking to myself, why is the sociopath saying things about my past to my girlfriend? I don’t have anything to hide about my past, because I broke up amicably with my ex -ex so I wasn’t worrying about my current ex knowing about what happened in the past. I was worried about the fact that my supposed friend is telling my ex things when it’s none of his business what happened in the past with my ex-ex.
At the same time, my ex makes statements that me and the sociopath are best friends. We were good friends but never best, I know who my best friends are. I started noticing my ex must be really naive to think this is the case, because if that were the case, she wouldn’t be asking the Sociopath that I be the best man at his wedding. The sociopath once again used the excuse: “it’s just family.”
My current ex and I broke up again, obviously because of trust issues.
(September 2008) The sociopathic wedding day. I just got back from sunny Italy, had the time of my life, I was tanned, looking good, confident, didn’t give a rats about the world. I was my old self again.
It was show time for the sociopath. I was seated in the very back, last table of the reception, with an old friend of mine as we were good friends in high school. My ex was the maid of honour.
After a few drinks and catching up on old times with my old friend, I decided to walk up to my ex, who was seated on the Bride and Groom’s main table, and started having a chat and obviously a laugh. This ex still loved me, she smiled and talked about the good times. When suddenly I see her looking towards the Groom (sociopath) and see a frightened and scared face, to which I quickly turned around, looked at the Groom, and what was he doing? Giving her a mean stare that I couldn’t put my finger on. And I looked back at her and glanced quickly back at him and he seemed ok again.
I actually caught him in the act???
Wants me back
(October 2009) I found out that my ex was with someone else during this time, I was a little heart broken, as I loved this girl regardless of the problems. I moved on, my ex-girlfriend was forgotten, I hadn’t heard from the sociopath in nine months. I heard from the grapevine that my ex wanted me back! I couldn’t believe it, I knew she loved me and I loved her. But at this point, I didn’t want any more heartbreak, I didn’t think I could take any more punishment from her, as she always initiated the break ups.
Coincidently the sociopath makes contact; I noticed patterns—every time my ex wants to get back with me, the sociopath always magically made an appearance. I still couldn’t connect the dots, and I still had no idea he was a sociopath, but I was always in observation mode.
I SHOULD MENTION THAT I NEVER SPOKE ABOUT MY EX TO THE SOCIOPATH, NEVER. I knew what he thought he knew, I wasn’t aware that he knew EVERYTHING! Which I later found out.
I was in a bar with my mate and I noticed my ex’s friend, who coincidently happened to work with my mate. It’s a small world. Her friend and I were talking and she stated that my ex wants me back and that she was sorry for all that has happened. I thought to myself I love my ex, but I can’t take any more pain, so I lost it at the friend, and asked her, what is wrong with your friend? (My ex).
All I heard was Blah Blah. I acted upset, but honestly I wasn’t. I knew she loved me, but I put on an act to see who was to blame for my ex’s behaviour, and who would react at me rejecting my ex. I knew the sociopath would find out about it, as I really didn’t want his involvement this time. I actually thought to myself, if he doesn’t think I want her back he might let me and her go.
Oh was I wrong. Why? Because a week after telling her friend off, I emailed my ex, explaining to her that what I did was wrong and that I shouldn’t have taken it out on her friend. I made a silly excuse and stated, “I did it for my brother, as I am extremely protective of him!” I also stated that if she really wants to talk and get back together with me, I would leave the door open.
What possessed me to write such a thing? What has my brother got to do with all this? I have no idea why I wrote it, but it was supposed to happen, as you will later find out. I hadn’t heard from her, she never replied to my email. Something was wrong, I would have heard from her by now. Something was seriously amiss.
(November 2009) I find out my ex is back with the rebound guy, it still didn’t make sense. Didn’t she want me back about four weeks ago?
New Year’s Eve
I was invited to a New Year’s Party by my sociopath friend, organised by him, and it was a “family” event as I was told. I didn’t want to go, but something told me to go, even though he set this drama filled event up. I knew this was his manipulation, and I knew he was up to no good, why did I know? Because I spoke to him on the phone the night before, he never mentioned my ex being back with her ex. A friend would tell you this.
I had the option to not go, but honestly something was telling me to go. I am fearless when it comes to her. I knew she still loved me. Why am I doing this, you ask? Because this was supposed to happen.
I went to his NY party. I arrive, dressed to kill, as I knew he has staged all this (yet I still have no idea he is a sociopath). As I arrive, I see my ex bolt, she literally runs out of the party. I knew she wasn’t expecting me there, I did it to prove how much I loved her or how stupid I was. 🙂 The ex’s boyfriend gets up to shake my hand (the ex’s boyfriend knew I was coming, obviously the sociopath has staged this.) I know who the ex is, he is afraid of me and is as shy as they come. The sociopath grabbed me to get some food, acting as if I have gotten upset at the boyfriend, only to have the sociopath turn around and drag the boyfriend inside to show that I was going to hit him. I thought to myself, this guy is good, even on impulse he has found an excuse to attack me, he was better prepared than I was, even though we both knew he was playing a game.
There were too many people around that would have noticed I did nothing! Which is why I kept strong and ignored all that had just happened. Regardless, the sociopath used his instinctive impulsive nature to try and make me look bad. He wasn’t going to lose. Then again I wasn’t prepared to lose either, we both knew his game, but alas I was still blind as I still didn’t know he was a sociopath until …
At the party he said to me, “So you’re protecting your brother, hey?” My head was spinning at this point, the matrix was unveiled. He knows everything, he must have read my email to my ex, this guy knows it all. Why is he even reading emails sent to my ex?
Unfortunately for the sociopath, I was still at the party and acted like nothing had happened. My ex and her boyfriend went home 20 minutes after my arrival, I stayed til the end talking to all the family.
I told my brother all that had happened, and told my brother not to tell the sociopath anything about me, as they still work in the same building, only this time my brother works in a different department. The sociopath still probes my brother with questions … which made me even more suspicious. If he wants to know something, why doesn’t he ask? Why ask my brother? I had already prepped my brother, just like a sociopath, which scares me, but as I’ve learnt in order to fight one, act like one.
Hasn’t he had enough? He just took away someone I loved, what more does he want now? I asked my brother, what questions does he ask you? “Who you’re seeing, what are you doing?” By this time, I was predicting the sociopathic movements without even know what one was. I was proud of my brother, I was protecting myself and my brother as I started to think if the sociopath is capable of doing this to me, my brother has got no chance against him!
(December 2010) I haven’t seen the sociopath in a year, I fell in love with my now girlfriend, I had new job, bought a new house. I received a text message from him saying, “My mother has passed away.”
I called him, expressed my condolences. He never really showed any emotion on the phone, as if his mother never existed, as he was talking about life in general, he then asked, “Are you seeing anyone?” I lied: “No, I just broke up with my girlfriend.”
While at his mother’s wake, I gave his wife flowers in respect for his mother’s passing, pretended like nothing happened on the New Year’s Eve party. I was myself, joking around, cool and confident. He was furious at me; I could see that look in his eyes. Although he put on a show like he was a good guy by offering me food and treating me well, like we were best friends.
We went outside, when for the first time the sociopath began abusing me, subtly bringing things up about my ex without mentioning her name, but I knew what he was doing, so I opened fire. I told him of the recent ex I was with, he knew her as well as he never expected me to go out with her, as my ex was jealous of her. I told him “that was always going to happen” knowing full well he destroyed my relationship with my ex, but I wanted to see his face, it was filled with rage. He rebutted back, “was she a good fuck?” implying that I went out with her just for the sex.
After the funeral mass I said goodbye to everyone I knew except for the sociopath and his wife, only to notice my ex staring at me for a good period of time. I never looked at her, I couldn’t even look her in the eyes anymore, after all that had happened.
The sociopath was with his wife talking to my ex and her boyfriend. I start walking over towards them, my ex and the boyfriend split, just like New Years, and I say my goodbye to his wife and as was about to shake the sociopath’s hand, he was about to pull the same stunt he pulled at New Years, only to realise my parents were watching this time. I shake his hand for the very last time …
Moral of the story, be yourself! Point being, never lose sight of who you are.
I feel everybody’s pain. My case may have not been as bad as other people’s, even though I put myself through the grinder, I never stopped fighting! Why? I don’t know! I took a beating, but something in me tells me to keep fighting. I don’t want my ex back, I am happy with my love. I have a good job and I’m honestly happy.
I want to actually go back in to the lion’s den. He wanted to destroy me and failed, as I’m still breathing. Should I be dead? Should I have psychological problems? The chink in their armour is their ego; I want to attack again to expose! Or hasn’t my own ego taken enough?