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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Losing the fear of What Ifs

Editor’s Note: This is another email from the Lovefraud reader whom we’re calling “Adelle.” She previously contributed, Are you seeing someone else? 

I finally left my SP and like the alka-seltzer commercial used to say, “Oh what a relief it is.” My decision to leave was made a long time ago. Today I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”

I didn’t do it sooner because of fear, of course. I had so many “What Ifs?” I never questioned whether it was in my best interest, I knew it was. The “What Ifs?” were in reference to him. What if he contacts my friends and tries to make me look bad? What if he does damage to my car so that I can’t get around? What if he hacks my email and starts sending emails pretending it’s me? What if he hacks my FB and post nasty things on my page? What if he tries to drain my bank account?

What if he makes good on his word and kills me like he threatened to do if I ever left?

This isn’t living

I recall thinking one day, “I’m already dead.” This isn’t living—living in fear that he may do all these things. I’m depressed, I’m fearful, I’ve lost touch with my friends, I’m angry, hurt, disappointed, I can’t even think straight and this is exactly how he wants me!

So I thought, if I leave and he kills me, well, I wasn’t living anyway, so no loss. But what if I leave and I LIVE! What if my depression goes away, what if I find joy again, what if I can concentrate again? What if I find color in life again? How about that for an IF?

It’s worth the risk, I thought! I did it; I took the risk; and I found a rainbow! He did all the IF’s I feared, but in that decision, in that finding of a colorful life I also lost something. I lost the fear of what ifs. There are friends whom I’ve contacted and have not heard from; my first thought is, “He called them and fed them some lies and they don’t want to talk to me!” I don’t know if that is the case but if it is, I cannot change that. Just as I could not change him and his ways, some things are out of my control and it is well with my soul!

The only power I have is over myself; the first realization of my power was when I acted on my decision, my decision to get out of the STORM because that’s what my life with him felt like, a STORM!

I think most of us have made the decision that we need to leave, that it is in our best interest; but we have a lot of IFS.

A rainbow after the storm

I never understood the “NO CONTACT RULE” like I do now. We need to retrieve our concentration, when we can’t think straight we cannot make good decisions. As long as we remain with the SP he will fill our minds with threats, confusion, nonsense, dirt, mud!

When we have a hurricane and a mandatory evacuation, many people obey; they leave. I’m sure as they drive out of town they wonder; “What if we lose everything, how will we start over?” Nonetheless their priority is to save Self and Family, they will figure the rest out later. Can you imagine them in the middle of the storm, with the winds at 100 mph tearing their roof off, windows breaking, the waters rising over their head, sirens all over the town, the cries of panic, with all this and the task of planning out their new beginning? How successful would they be at planning this new beginning?

Is your soul crying out to you “Evacuate?” Are the IF’s holding you back?

Get out of the storm, the muddy pit that you are in! You will blossom; you will find that what was meant to harm you will only make you stronger. You are now wiser because of this experience; if you do some careful soul searching you will not only learn about other people but much about yourself as well. Be careful not to be so hard on yourself, yes you may have made some mistakes, some bad decisions that landed you in this relationship. Like the old hymn says, “I once was lost but now I’m found, I once was blind but now I see.”

My hope is to encourage you, to share my experience and give you that hope, that inspiration that you are looking for! If you feel your SP is very serious about doing you harm, take legal action (I have) and plan your EVACUATION carefully, you will know when it’s time, you will know when you are ready to blossom!

Today, I don’t think quite the same, I don’t think who cares if he kills me, today I value my life, I will do everything I can to protect myself, because the difference is that NOW I am living! The storm is gone and life is full of color again, yes after a storm … there is a rainbow!



62 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Losing the fear of What Ifs"

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  1. MiLo says:

    Oh Sky ~ I don’t even want to think about that one. Thanks to gray rock, when I hear carp like this I simply reply, “that’s nice dear”.



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  2. New Beginning says:

    Milo, that is hilarious! They do often say some absolutely ridiculous things – only proving they may know the words but not the music.

    Oxy, I wholeheartedly agree with you. It’s been quite a struggle for me to digest the fact I was snowed for so many decades by believing almost all people generally have good intentions. I’ve been living on my own for two years now and continue to experience ah ha moments, but now instead of it causing emotional paralysis I am now energized and feel empowered in moving forward with my life. I have learned that I cannot live my life hiding out from the world but must be diligent in weeding out those who only take from me.

    May 2012 be a year of hope and peace for everyone. 🙂

    New Beginning



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  3. New Beginning says:

    …..or those who are too judgemental.



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  4. aussiegirl says:

    New Beginning –

    “Not sure if my situation is a little different than some others however I was drugged and sexually assaulted at a place that should have been one of the safest to be. I am very much in a “don’t you dare come near me” phase …”

    I do not think that I have said this on here before, so (deep breath) I will say it now and you will know that you are not alone in that respect. I have mentioned in the past that Superspath was likely the second spath I married, although the previous marriage was so brief (6 months) that I tend not to dwell on LF about that relationshit, but have mostly focussed on the recent ex-husband instead.

    16 years ago I married another monster who literally “cleaned me out”. I came home one day to find every drawer and door of the house open and everything he owned as well as everything I had owned before I had met him, gone. The new vehicle I had helped him to pick out, the camping trailer filled with camping goods that we were allegedly going to go on vacation with (2 new sleeping bags, etc.) that I had gone shopping with him only weeks before to buy in readiness for “our” holiday – everything was gone.

    He had taken me shopping and smiled as I chose equipment “we” would need for “our” trip, all the while knowing that he would be using it with someone else. The vehicle was even insured in both their names, with her listed as a co-driver and owner of it. I did not discover this until an insurance broker telephoned me to confirm all of their details and things were not adding up and then he said to me, “So YOU are Mrs P—? And N—- is NOT Mrs P—?”

    After they had gone, the ah-ha moments began in earnest and continued for at least a couple of years afterward. Amongst them was the realisation that I too, had been drugged, molested and filmed.

    For all I know, I am out there somewhere on the world wide web in all my 29-year-old glory…..stoned out of my brain. Without going into too much gorey detail, this revelation did explain the odd way that his former business partner treated me, the existence of dozens of video tapes I found locked away in secret hiding places, the various sexual devices I also found but that I previously had no (conscious) knowledge of, the rectal bleeding for which my doctor was unable to offer diagnosis, the fact that so many nights I could not remember having gone to bed because I had no recall beyond the cup of tea he would make me after we had eaten our dinner – and the strange and wide-spread bruising all over my body some mornings when I awoke.

    Typing this has actually made my throat close over and there are tears in my eyes. I have attended a lot of therapy over many years to deal with this and mostly I just don’t think about it any more, but it has surely left an indelible mark on me.

    What I find strange is that I do not consider that spath to have been the worst of the two….. how sad is that?

    My point for New Beginning? It may have left residual effects but it no longer cripples my life and I have learned to trust (appropriately) again. I don’t know how far out you are from your drugging and molestation and we are all different, but I’ve been mostly okay with it now for around 10 years.

    Hugs to you. xoxoxox



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  5. aussiegirl says:

    BTW – the drugger/molester/filmer was the same guy that had me “sign” all of the new documentation for joint bank accounts and business records when we got married but after he left and when I went down to the bank to withdraw some money because I was too sick/stressed/going-crazy to work, nobody knew who I was.

    I had actually never existed, never been a signatory to our “joint” bank account and never been registered as a business partner – it was all make believe…..how he must have laughed about me as he drove off into the sunset with his new dupe.

    On the up side, so many people found out the truth about him and he left behind such a trail of destruction in this state, that he has not been able (for the past 16 years at least) to move back to his home state where he grew up and where his family are. Way too many people with the knives out for him here.

    Last I heard (several years back) he was onto state number 4 of a possible 7 and thinking of moving again because he had been found out there as well.

    That makes me smile. A bit.



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  6. skylar says:

    Aussie girl,
    sheesh! I was just telling Bella that they all do the same things and now I read that yours filmed you too.

    I never found the films but I believe he made one. The clue was that right before the “sexcapade” which he talked me into, he told me that his video camera and editing deck were stolen… he always sets the stage for his cons with some half-assed lie. That’s how I know that anything that happens afterward is a con.

    The difference is that he actually talked me into the sexcapade by using the pity ploy, “oh please, my dick is small and I don’t believe you really love me unless you do this…blah, blah, blah” I fell for it.

    I’m so sorry you endured that evil monster but at least you are prevailing over the superspath.



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  7. New Beginning says:

    Dear Aussiegirl,

    I am so very sorry for all that you’ve been through.

    It must have been additionally difficult to realize how much of your experience was premeditated. My situation was a little different as I was just “supply” for 30 years while he led his double life. He’s a high functioning psychopath so it’s important to him to protect his standing within the community and his profession.

    I continue to get better every day and I hope you do as well AussieGirl.

    May 2012 be a year of good health and happy(spath-free) days.

    ~New



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  8. New Beginning says:

    Sky – *GASP*.

    Thank goodness we are all out of their grasps.

    ~New



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