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An Invitation for A Miracle

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

An Invitation for A Miracle.

This is the first in a series of 6 postings on spiritual healing that will attempt to Make Sense of these encounters with sociopaths and present the process that literally turns these painful experiences into Miracles of Healing.

Most of us on this site know all about the feelings of shame, guilt, pain and suffering that are associated with an experience with a sociopath.  This is the common bond that brings us together and helps build trust in these new relationships being formed in the Lovefraud community.

The very idea that trust is already being restored on this site is a beginning that brings with it a little light and hope.  The question then becomes, “what do we do with these experiences and how do we overcome them?”  The answer is simple, but oh so very hard to do.  It requires willingness and a desire to get well.  If you have decided (and yes this is a decision) that you want to get well, then you may be ready to take certain steps towards healing.

This process literally changes pain to joy, and darkness to light.

The first and most important step is being willing to accept what cannot be changed.  Makes sense in the written word, but not so much in the heart and mind, and these both need to be changed to get free of the past.

The word “surrender” is most typically associated with giving up to an enemy.  Giving up is not generally perceived as an admirable quality, and that is part of the problem.  Most of our problems begin with perception.

It is the perception of the events in our lives that causes us tremendous suffering, not the events themselves.  Our failure to see these events in their proper perspective not only poisons the current moment, but attracts more of the same suffering to us in the future.  Awareness of this truth and a simple shift in perspective is the gateway to freedom, but it has many blockers that blind us to the incredible peace that surrender offers.

Our culture today constantly bombards us with images of victims and victimizers, suggesting that we do not have a choice in whether good or bad things happen to us.  When tragedy strikes, we are often portrayed as victims of circumstance that do not have the ability to help ourselves.  This is a scary proposition.

In extremely difficult times, this idea that we are wondering aimlessly through some sort of mine field in our lives eventually results in resentment, anger, depression and a feeling of hopelessness.  Most people experience this at some point in their lives.  An experience with a sociopath can bring this upon us suddenly and unexpectedly.  For me, seeing my father for what he was (a sociopath) for the first time was as if I fell through a trap door into the pit of hell.  I felt as though I was lost in total darkness with nothing to hold on to.  Suddenly, fear was the only thing that I recognized.

The good news is…there IS a way out.

We are powerless over the past.  This is an absolute fact.  We cannot change it.  We cannot breathe yesterday’s air, but we can deprive ourselves of what we need today by trying to do the impossible, and that is, change the past.  We somehow convince ourselves that by holding on to some mind held position, we will prevent the sociopath or situation from becoming real or happening again in the future.  We are punishing ourselves, all the while believing that we are somehow affecting the perpetrator.  It is as though we have become convinced that if we punish ourselves enough, the situation will change.  This is not the answer, yet we often try to do this over and over again, only to find the same result…misery.

There is an answer and it is found in the unlikeliest of places…Surrender.  This first step is absolutely necessary to begin the healing process. It is also extremely difficult for most people to do.  It certainly was for me, but it did set me free.

I have no idea why many of us have to experience so much pain before we surrender and try another way, but my experience has shown that it is entirely up to us.  We only need to be willing to see things in a different light.

After all, what exactly are we being asked to surrender other than pain, suffering and misery?  If I am able to acknowledge that I am powerless over an individual, or past events, and recognize that there is a better way, then I am ready to take certain steps.  Simply having the awareness that what I am holding on to is only harming me is a beginning.

This beginning leads to a world full of peace, love and freedom.  Letting go is how we become free from the past.  This is the process that turns our past nightmares into the light that heals the world.  It is A Miracle and it is A Promise.

For those that are interested, next week I’ll write about this Promise and how to begin.  In the mean time, you might want to ask yourself this simple question (prayerfully)…

“Can I change what has already happened, or, is surrender the answer?  Am I ready to acknowledge that I am powerless over the past?”



33 Comments on "An Invitation for A Miracle"

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  1. moveingon says:

    It takes time, so much time, and soul searching, and an acknowledgement that sometimes we also behaved not in the way we should have. It has taken me 6 years, I’m still going through the courts re:children ..court letters etc. I used to worry about these things, I now simply deal with them, like paying a water bill, the emotions have left, if anything I simply shrug, smirk ..here we go again. I know I have wasted too much energy and emotion at the neglect of more important things.

    For everyone still in the early – mid stages, there does come a time, not a ‘moment’, just a case of letting go; they were a lie, they will always live their lives as a lie, that’s it ..who cares ..what happens to them ..they are unimportant, of no value.

    I have my children, family and ‘real’ friends, spaths don’t care about such trivia, they never will. Get your head round that (even if they are your own family) and you are on the road to recovery.

    I changed my attitude 3 months ago, I work as a business consultant, I have recently started to be ‘me’ again; I have had 2 offers of consultancy work this week, I believe that this is because I am back to me ..harder more cynical, but me again. I was with this spath for 16 years, married for 13, everything he ever told me and ‘our’ children was a lie …my attitude now ..it was a hurtful experience especially for my children, but we can’t change the spath, and it is simply no longer of any relevance …the next victim ..not my problem ..

    On a different note, I can now spot a spath or pseudo one within minutes. I still do my sharing, caring stuff (because that is me), but a spath homes in like a missile ..and when you know what to look for ..it is easy.

    Hugs to anyone in that horrible stage, and I have felt suicidal on 3 occasions, these ‘people’ are pure evil. Powerless over the past .. absolutely ..the future as ‘damaged goods’ is still ours. The one thing I have learnt is ..I cannot change anyone else’s behaviour ..but I can change mine.

    Thanks Travis.



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  2. Cat says:

    Travis, thank you, thank you, thank you! This is the hardest step and yet until we surrender, we can’t move forward.
    I love the saying, “Give in to win.” Surrender isn’t about giving up or accepting the abuse. It’s about understanding we can’t change what has happened. We can’t re-write the past. I’ve also come to see that’s what sociopaths do, they re-write the past to their advantage.
    I believe in miracles today. I am one!
    Love and Laughter,
    Cat



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  3. Sheila Leanne says:

    Travis –
    This really is an awesome post and very insightful. I am looking forward to your next one.
    thanks for the food for thought



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  4. strongawoman says:

    Ox, loved the post on Real Simple. Made me chuckle …..and sigh. I hope that I’ve done a better job of teaching my daughters how to see the signs. They’re both so much wiser than me …..don’t seem to take BS as much as their mum! For that I’m truly grateful.

    Moveingon, really liked your post. Your words touched me and gave me comfort. “The one thing I have learned. I can’t change any one elses behaviour…..but I can change mine.”

    Strong words. To thine own self be true.



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  5. shocknawe says:

    Two quotes come to mind:

    “Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” — Alexis Carrel

    “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” — Helen Keller



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  6. slatkis says:

    I have left after 2 years of marriage, yet a huge battle is ahead of me not because of myself ( i have left the past behind and I cannot change who the person is or what took place) . I have accepted the fact I cannot return to the US, I am stuck in Europe with no opportunity for job living of little social welfare and yet I had a high position in department of defense in the US. But to surrender our 15 month old child is another battle I cannot let go, and especially to be only living with a person like this. I was given a choice to go back to the US and continue my life or stay in this hell and fight for this precious life of our child.

    So what would you do, and how do you surrender in this situation to win? Family court and foreign law is not on my side.

    I say i fight for this cause, and I believe doors will be opened even if there is no evident escape right now. remember there is no win win situation.

    I have to take responsibility for having my eyes closed and not seeing who he was from the start. In this case is child’s life in stake



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