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Why Me?

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

My father is a sociopath.  He is also a convicted serial killer who resides on Florida’s Death Row.  I idolized my dad as a kid and wanted to be just like him, but I could not.  Life, I thought, had betrayed me and given me something so cruel that I could never trust again.  I didn’t believe that I could ever make sense of this experience.

How could I possibly come to terms with having been raised by such a monster?  How could I possibly find peace in my life after being victimized as a child and young adult?  How could I come to terms with a question that I thought could not possibly be answered?

That question was, “Why me?”

These are some of the feelings and thoughts that I experienced when faced with so much internal pain, conflict, and suffering that I could no longer look away.  I had to either seek the answers to these questions, or completely give up on life.  That is how I felt and where I found myself.  I was done running and hiding from these dark shadows that had overtaken my life.

This is where I came to a crossroad, and a decision, that changed my life forever.  It was a desire to find these answers and a willingness to ask for help that literally turned murder into miracles, and transformed the hell that I was living in…to heaven.

Today, I am happy, joyous, and free.  I am grateful for the experience because it changed my life for the better and has allowed me to find peace.  The murder cannot be separated from the miracles.  There is a direct link between what happened to me and how I came to know peace, real peace.  There is also an established pathway to get from here to there.

If that sounds absurd to you, I can relate.  It did to me too.  I heard people talk about spiritual solutions and mocked them.  You see, when my dad was killing people, he was telling me about it.  I witnessed my father enjoy describing killing another human to me, his favorite son. He thought we were celebrating together.

My response to finding good in this experience was, “You’re going to have a difficult time convincing me that there could possibly be anything good that might come out of this.  In fact, you’re crazy if you think I’m going to believe that.”  Absurd was too light of a description of this idea that there is a “spiritual lesson” in this type of suffering.

Now, in a twist of irony (and gratitude), that is exactly what I know to be true today.  More importantly, this miracle has a specific process that will bring about this change, and it comes with a promise.  A promise of Peace.

A wonderful spiritual teacher once wrote, “There is no spiritual truth that I can tell you that you don’t already know”.   This is true when dealing with sociopaths as well.  Our “gut” does not lie.  That is why we feel so uneasy when a sociopath tells us something that is too good to be true.  If you are like me, you may have ignored those feelings in hopes of hanging on to something that you believed would make you happy and it hurt you.  In this case, my hope is that you will learn to trust this inner voice and allow it to help you.  When presented with statements like the one that follows, sit quietly and simply ask yourself…”is this true?”

As difficult as it is for many of us to believe, the truth is, every experience we have in this life can benefit us, and become a miracle of healing that helps change the world for the better, if we allow it.  The entry way to this Miracle is wide and inviting.  It only requires a simple willingness in the beginning.  A willingness to believe, that maybe, just maybe, there is a Miracle of Healing that awaits us on the other side that might make sense of all of this.  

There is no situation or event that cannot be overcome and transformed into A Miracle.  A little hope and willingness is all that is needed to get started.

I wrote for Lovefraud a few years ago, and have since experienced many Miracles in my life.  Donna has been kind enough to invite me back so I might share what I have found with you.  Over the next few weeks I will be writing a series, using my experience with sociopaths as the explanation for some of these Miracles, and the process that allows each of us to claim them for ourselves.

In the mean time, keep sharing with each other.  You are not alone, there is hope and you can find it here!



34 Comments on "Why Me?"

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  1. the architect says:

    but you just said you wanted me to take your advice!



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  2. BunnyWabbit says:

    I have been reading the articles linked on the side so much my eyes are googly. 🙂 I ask because I am so paranoid after my relationship with the sycho that I find myself looking at everyone for the symptoms. I asked about the abuse because my ex-husband was very physically and verbally abusive. But I didn’t see any of the other manipulative behavior other than perhaps he was very spoiled as a child and always got his way. But it still made me look back and evaluate the relationship and him. My sycho caused me many nights of no sleeping and always wondering and worrying what he was going to do. I didn’t even know what a sociopath was and was reading some article and the description of one was in it. The was quite the eye opener. Then I started reading everything I could get my hands on. The no contact makes lots of sense because he would argue with me over and over then act like nothing was wrong when I would talk to him and just want to forget it and start over. When I quit talking to him at all, he would post things online and do things to get my attention. I still didn’t respond. It’s slowed down and I haven’t seen anything derogatory about me since Nov. 27th. I haven’t talked to him in over 2 months. Changing and cancelling my email addresses and changing my phone number helped a lot.



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  3. the architect says:

    what’s it like being a psychopath?



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  4. purewaters3 says:

    Why me? Circulate enough in this world, and you will find a psycho. Kick up enough stones, you will find a snake.

    It happened to me, because I took my safety for granted. I took my life and my peace, sanity for granted. I figured I wasn’t part of the “food chain”, so to speak.

    I should have known better, to a degree. There are people who prey on others for sport. Now, I know better.



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  5. soimnotthecrazee1 says:

    Pure,
    Yes, they do play on us for sport! adreniline rushes, they feel no emotion, so they live off of what they feel, adreniline!
    Control and many other things gives them their rush! They are programmed completely opposite from us! So sad that these numb people walk around in our world when they need to be isolated somewhere on a deserted island surrounded by like selves to survive!



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  6. purewaters3 says:

    Soimnotthecrazee1,

    A deserted island? That’s a nice option. I’d rather it be prison. Or, another planet 😀



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  7. purewaters3 says:

    I can’t imagine living with that “degree” of a sociopath. My mother, however, is very likely a narcissistic personality, and was deliberately cold and malicious towards her kids; taking pleasure in breaking us down and destroying our self-esteem. So, I can relate a little.

    One big lesson that I’ve learned in my life is that although it’s hard to start from “square one”, it’s not impossible to live a good life and to build your own structure and traditions.

    I realized at a point, that I wasn’t going to be able to rely on my parenting as a good example of how to live my life in the future. But, when I allow myself the freedom to make my own decisions and the grace to make mistakes, I do a great job at most things.

    If your foundation and beginnings in life were so toxic, then remove your ties and start over. It’s an intimidating task, but it’s possible to build your life into whatever you want it to be, and without the help of people who aren’t healthy.



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