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Bringing up our children, the hope of the world

Editor’s note: Lovefraud honors and respects all spiritual traditions. This article refers to teachings of Christianity.

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (Retired)

Recently there have been horrible and depressing videos and news stories about parents who are “supposedly” upright citizens but are abusers of their children. Even a professional person like Judge William Adams was seen on video severely beating and cursing his 16-year-old daughter. In addition, there have been in my own acquaintance a minister with children who was caught in a pedophile pornographic sting by the police as he was sending pictures of his “junk” to what he thought was a 14-year-old girl, who thank goodness, was a 40-year-old deputy sheriff.

This sort of news, along with the “usual” news of the people who abuse children, story after story, is so depressing: The former Penn State football coach preying on underprivileged kids. A man who beat his three-year-old stepdaughter to death because she didn’t want to eat a hot dog. The step mother who killed the deaf little Australian girl who had already survived cancer at the loss of her leg.

It is severely depressing to me that such horrible things go on every day to children who have no choice about leaving an abusive relationship. It is depressing to me that people know about “bruises” on these children before they are severely wounded or killed, and fail to report it to the authorities, or fail to take action. It is difficult for me to get these stories out of my mind, or to hold back the tears of rage, frustration and anger that I hold against these situations and the people who do these horrible things in their own lives and yet, sit on the bench in family court, or stand in the pulpit and “preach” to others about how to raise a child, while going home and secretly texting “dirty pictures” to what they believe is a young girl.

The text for most sermons for bringing up children in a Christian manner is taken from St. Paul speaking to the various churches about how to bring up their children.

Ephesians 6:4—“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

Colossians 3:21—“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

Overall, Paul is teaching us not to promote an angry mood or disposition in our children. Doing so may boomerang on us, because children will eventually reflect the disposition of the parents. Firmness in correction is fine, but we must especially be careful about our temperament when we give correction. Paul is talking about injustice, over-correction, neglect, and physical cruelty in correction.

If we want our children to grow up with empathy, compassion and a moral compass, we must display and model these things for our children so that they can emulate our own empathy, compassion and our own moral compasses. Children are not born knowing “right from wrong,” but are born with the capacity to learn right from wrong by our teaching and our modeling.

Too many times parents say to their children “do as I say, not as I do.” But the funny thing about that is our “actions speak louder than words.” Or these same parents will use the text from the Old Testament as an excuse to exercise physical abuse against the children that they are trying to “correct.”

Proverbs 13:24—”He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes.”

Proverbs 23:13-14—”Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell.”

The old phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child,” by the way, is not actually in the Bible, but is condensed, it is thought, from the above verses.

What is the “take away lesson” from all of these depressing stories of abuse of children, even by “esteemed members of the community”—judges, lawyers, doctors, teachers? I think that we as individuals are not only responsible for being role models for our own kids, but are responsible for watching out for the welfare of the kids in our neighborhoods, the kids in our scout troops, the kids in our churches, the kids in our neighborhoods, the kids our kids play with.

As citizens, we may not be “mandated reporters” and required by law to report even the suspicion of child abuse to “child protective services,” as most professionals (doctors, lawyers, teachers, social workers, etc.) are in most states. But I think that we ARE mandated by our compassion for the pain and danger of these children, and our own consciences, to report these events, or even the suspicion of abuse to the authorities. If these children are being “provoked to wrath” and “discouraged” by abuse, only the intervention from an outside source can truly stop it before it is too late. Psychopathic parents or stepparents will not stop the abuse on their own, and we, of all people, as former victims of psychopathic abuse, should know this.



36 Comments on "Bringing up our children, the hope of the world"

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  1. bluejay says:

    Ox Drover,

    I read your post. Thanks. I will re-implement NO CONTACT with the spath (especially making a point of not reading his letters which send me into an emotional tailspin). My head is clearing, being able to think rationally. After all the chit that my family and I have experienced due to the spath (over the years), there is no way on God’s green earth that I would allow us to get anywhere near him. I am very suspicious of the spath’s brothers and sisters (certain ones), now accepting the fact that they could be helping their brother while he “is missing.” There are bits-and-pieces of information (coming from different sources) that might be clues – putting them together and a puzzle is forming. Thanks for your advice.



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  2. Ox Drover says:

    Dear Bluejay,

    No contact isn’t just about not taking them back, it is also about not letting them send you into a tail spin with communications of CARP! I also imagine that some of his family are helping him or at least know where he is or what he is doing with his being “missing”—and it amazes me that family will help someone pull this kind of carp, but somehow he has convinced them that he is “managing you” so you don’t “abuse” him. DUH??????? Plus, keep in mind, I don’;t think his apple fell far from the tree (his family) and there’s a good chance many/most of them are as disordered as he is.

    His fake “suicide” notes to his kids!!!!!! THAT IS EVIL!!!!!!

    Is it possible that you can go to court while he is “missing” and get a NO CONTACT order for the kids from him? Or get a warrant out for him? Can you talk to an attorney? or the DA? Sometimes the first visit with an attorney is free.

    Call Department of child services and file a report that he is ABUSING the kids emotionally and show them the “suicide” letters…..they should recognize these as “abuse” and might help you.

    Just hang in there and don’t feel sorry for the piece of CARP! (((hugs)))



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  3. bluejay says:

    Ox Drover,

    My mind has been trying to figure things out, questioning how to confirm what I suspect (PI work). Then, I tell myself to just drop it and live my life. Let the authorities find him. Too much of my time has been taken up with overcoming the spath’s craziness. I want to enjoy my children, my life. As my mind returns to a calmer state, I am not feeling sorry for the spath (which is a good thing).



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  4. KatyDid says:

    bluejay
    if i thought nc was no big deal, i don’t anymore. my example:
    i have been nc with my husband for over a year. my depression went away. so did the nightmares that plagued me with insomnia.

    had an email from him last week b/c HOPEFULLY he is signing our divorce papers.

    have been so down, loss of energy, feeling hopeless and by gosh, took me a bit to figure it out. (duh!). his email was like getting REinfected with such evil negative energy.

    THAT proves to me the POWER of going NC, it removes their ability to release EVIL negative energy into our realm. Who knew such a simple strategy would be SO POWERFUL!



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  5. Ox Drover says:

    BlueJay,

    ARE the authorities looking for him? Is he wanted for anything? Back child support or any criminal acts?

    I definitely understand you wanting to enjoy your kids and your life, but he WILL SURFACE again and throw a wrench into the works you can bet on that. I do NOT need a crystal ball to foretell that one. LOL

    I’m glad you are calmer now though and you need to maintain taht state of calmness NO MATTER WHAT SHIAT HE PULLS, and he is gonna do something so don’t be surprised or gobsmacked when he does. LOL What a piece of CARP that man is!

    My X paid his child support through the court but he never again saw the kids. The first christmas he sent them $20 and a card, and that was the last time they heard from him. It hurt the kids because believe it or not until our divorce he was a good, even an excellent father. I told the kids that he had a mental illness and that made his thinking not “normal” and that was why he didn’t see them, not that he didn’t want to, just that he was mentally “ill.” That was somewhat true, he did have some serious mental issues from being a victim of his psychopathic father and his enabling mother. HIs sister did also as well. But LITTLE kids need some reason besides “he doesn’t love you” I think, but that’s just my opinion.

    Maybe your older kids at least can absorb the real truth, that he is a psychopath and there’s NO HOPE for him and it isn’t their fault. Even as an ADULT absorbing the fact that my “mommy doesn’t love me, never did, never will” is a painful thing to realize and accept. I think though, that even as a youngster I “Knew” in my heart but didn’t want to believe. God bless your kids and you! (((hugs)))



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  6. bluejay says:

    Ox Drover,

    Before he went on the run, the spath appeared to be a “good” father. In all of his letters, he blames his problems on health issues, me badgering him, etc. I’m beyond sick of it. If he’s ever caught, he’ll be spending time in jail. I never imagined that I would marry such a person, still finding it unbelievable. The fact that he is a criminal bothers me to no end. He never specifically states what his transgressions are – just that he’s in his current state due to bad choices, not asking for help (from others), etc. I remember telling him once, “God put people in your life who have common sense and you just blow them off. You don’t listen to them.” Today, I feel like I’m getting back to my usual self, being able to better weather whatever comes.



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  7. bluejay says:

    KatyDid,

    Oh, I’m well aware the importance of NO CONTACT, then you can regain a sense of yourself, normalcy. With these spaths, there’s always craziness, something super unpleasant to face. You feel like you can never rest, always reacting to their nuttiness. It gets old real fast. The day that you’re officially divorced will be a great day. Peace.



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  8. Ox Drover says:

    Bluejay,

    Well, if the law is waiting for him, maybe he won’t show up on your doorstep, that’s a good thing!

    OF COURSE he is blaming you for everything, and trying to convince you to take that blame and feel sorry for him, and hire him a lawyer and take him in….beg the judge to have mercy on him because of his children….LOL OKAY, CHILDREN, NOW ALL TOGETHER, CAN WE SAY “PITY PLOY?” ROFLMAO Of course it is allllll your fault. LOL

    Just hang on to those letters though, because when he is caught by the law you can testify against him and you’ll have all the letters to show what kind of pity ploy he is putting on and blaming you.

    He may have done something (fraud? theft?) that he is just hoping won’t be found our, or it may have alreayd been found out and that’s why he “suicided” and how has “repented” (his repentence just as valid as his ssuicide!



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  9. MiLo says:

    Bluejay ~ I think if I read correctly, he just isn’t blaming you, he BLAMED you for disrespecting him in the letter he wrote to your son. He is “bad mouthing” you to your son at the same time he is apologizing to you in the letter you received. That is just plain WRONG.

    So sorry you and your kids have to go through this, stay strong.



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