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TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I have found a new pride and fearlessness

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a young woman whom we’ll call “Adriana.” The name in the story below has been changed.

This is a story about two girls who were on the same sports team in high school. Both showed lots of potential and both won lots of achievement awards … Both went on to do athletics in college. One was a sociopath … the other was shy and introverted.

I was the introvert. Other people saw my success, but I just enjoyed athletics and was not seriously competitive… I was excellent because I enjoyed it. As strange as that sounds. I moved a lot as a kid… This last high school was the one I went to the longest: three years. Little did I know, but this was to be the worst three years of my life. People always said when I was young that I was very sweet but seemed sad … I look back on it now and see I was a perfect target. I was funny, charming, but reserved. I modeled in New York in the summers. Lots of people at the school liked me, but I was too shy to be social … and I also knew always … for some inexplicable reason to stay away from Katie and her friends.

It was strange because I saw this person every day for hours at practice, but I knew I should never even hope to be her friend. Of course there was always a hierarchy of girls at every school I went to, but Katie and her friends in particular were very scary. The more I got to know Katie, the more I was aware that she was somehow better than I was. I was somehow less than her. It was strange. But I ignored it. The day at practice when she learned I modeled in New York during the summers she got up and left practice and did not return even the next day. No one else thought anything of this … And I didn’t want to either, but it bothered me … I ignored it. After all I didn’t want to think she was somehow jealous of a person like me … I thought it was wrong to assume such things about people … When she came back she started making little comments about me. For example that I was “weird” or that I “had to wear a lot of makeup.”

She requested to play the position I played on the team and didn’t do as well as I did, but said it was easy. The little things she did really wore me down, but I ignored it. In truth, I was a loner and a bit strange. I saw some truth in everything she said. And that would be my downfall. I wanted to believe the things she said, because I am a person who likes to listen.

There were other stresses in my life when I was young … One day I just snapped. There were some girls talking about how Katie was the best on the team and how she was such a nice person. I told them, “No, she’s horrible like really *(&^^ horrible.” And it got back to her. She used this to pretend she was the victim to my jealousy and how I always wanted to be like her. People at school, namely the boys she flirted with, bullied me at her request. She even got her friends to say things to me she wanted them to, which is disturbing.

I had always been wary of her, but other people really do like her. She was the president of my class for example.

This is a description on how she treats most people:

Katie knows what she has to offer. And she knows how to market herself to the masses. She is obsessively religious. In fact, people joke about how religious she is. She is always talking about Jesus and the Bible. She prays where people can see her pray and as often as she possibly can. She acts sickly sweet to most people. She talks about being positive all the time. She smiles all the time. She works hard and is talented but does the minimum requirements to reach goals. She uses the fact that she “works hard” and “is talented” to gain respect from people … She uses everything she knows she has.

This is how she treats her targets:

1. At first she waits till you are alone to say the meanest things to you in the nicest ways. If you say to another person that you dislike her, you’ve got to be careful because she has “followers” (often people who support her because she is “religious”).

2. She waits until you do something she can use to destroy you. It could be anything. A bad joke for example.

3. After she has found something to make you look bad she will use tactics 1 and 2 to break you down, and attack you with a small group of friends.

4. When she has hurt you enough to make you try to either apologize for perceived “wrongdoing” or confront her about how she is treating you, she’ll turn what you say around and make it sound like you hate her and have a problem with her. At this point she tells specific people who honestly are not very intelligent or brave that you’re being mean to her … She has groups who she manipulates because they are loyal to her, etc. … The harassment is bad, but she makes you see the ugliness in normal people … And that is worse.

5. This can turn into isolation and repeated harassment of the target … A few of the people who she got to harass me actually apologized to me a year after we all graduated from high school … But I’ve found when you’re dealing with a sociopath you can’t expect things from people because they are being deceived.

6. She is a self-preservationist. Everything she does to hurt someone is done in a way that will keep her removed from the “situation;” she won’t ever acknowledge that she even has a problem with you. The problem is completely yours. And the people who are harassing you. She (apparently) has nothing to do with it … When in reality … She is completely responsible for all of the pain the target experiences. In fact if you are in a group with her and her friends and they are being cruel to you, she will not say anything, in fact, she may even leave to make you think, she doesn’t really want this to be happening. But she does, she is completely responsible. She knows exactly what she is doing.

A person may think that I do not quality to write on this topic because I was young … or this treatment is not stressful to a person … but being harassed by two to three groups of people because of the encouragement by one person … no matter what age … is horrible.

This is how I’ve healed myself:

To be honest I still relapse into disgust over this person’s beyond hypocritical nature. And it is really depressing how witnessing the reality of this person’s complete lack of ethics has hurt me so deeply. I was not romantically involved a sociopath, so I felt nothing towards her other than a deep wish we could have been teammates … or even friends. So I think my story can help people who have tried to share their love with sociopaths, because I wished this person could have been my teammate, my friend … for a very long time …

I see what could have been. But it is all a lie. Because the charm this person exudes to other people, never to me, is superficial. There is nothing the people she “loves” can really get from her, unless they are benefitting her in some way. Which could be called a kind of attachment. But honestly, only certain people are interested in that kind of relationship.

I have blocked this person from all means of communicating with me and forgiven myself for attempts to “reconcile” with them. I have accepted that anytime I try to fix “the situation” with Katie, it will only end with pain and disappointment on my end. I have accepted that people all over the world will think of her as a kind, attractive, charming, sweet Christian. When in reality she is only attractive … manipulative, lying, and completely self-serving.

It’s beyond hard, I find, even to this day, to accept how hypocritical she is to get what she wants. Because she is a complete hypocrite. I think that the reason why she talks to profusely about being a Christian is to hide her real intentions. She acts so charming to hide her insatiable desire to obtain material wealth. Which she will surely find.

I am not her only target; she doesn’t have many but a handful of people are aware of her nature. These people tend to think she is very intelligent for being able to manipulate people like she does. I got tired of hearing this, so I tried for a while to act as she does. It is not intelligence. It is just strange behavior.

She is made very differently than others. She is a person who is intelligent, but she is not brilliant, or even remarkably intelligent. I was able to anticipate whatever she was doing before she did it; I just didn’t act on my intuition. Fiercely believing all people are good and some are just temporarily mislead, I was only vulnerable to her because of my accepting personality type.

So I have learned to screen absolutely anyone who tries to insult me. (because if you do not allow people to hurt you they can’t). It’s an art to diffuse people with personality types opposite of your own. But it’s just a skill. One that I think all victims of sociopaths are aware they need.

I’m proud that I need the skill to deal with sociopathic types … Because manipulation is not natural to me … I seek truth and love always … I seek for every place around me to be filled with happiness and true synergy … Which is something she can never deliver!

I have found a new pride and fearlessness in loving myself for who I am, because I have met someone who, without reservation, chases after monetary gain and fame. I have realized, albeit painfully, I have the natural desire to construct, to support, to understand and promote people … while she only has the desire to get what she wants. And because in my heart I want to love and care for the people around me … I have found a sense of peace that is rare, that people like Katie will never know or understand. Because they do not seek to share their existence with the world. They try to build a palace out of lies and manipulation. People will always admire them. But I know how they really are. And there is something rare and almost divine about that.

I saw Katie the other day at a prestigious art show. She was wearing a lace mini dress off the runway and four-inch heels, talking to a bunch of business men … holding a glass of wine coyly in her hand. I was wearing a nice black dress and the Ann Taylor stilettos I’ve had for five years … I was with an artist … I walked past her and she did not see me … then I turned around, stood, waved, and smiled at her … She looked stunned, like I was a ghost … I just turned and walked away.



99 Comments on "TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I have found a new pride and fearlessness"

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  1. skylar says:

    Louise,
    she was a country gal, raised on a dairy farm. I’m a bookworm that didn’t even KNOW farms existed.

    She was tough, she birthed and raised six boys, mostly by herself. I’m fragile, sensitive and have never had kids, only cats. She was a cheewawa breeder and I don’t believe in breeding cats or dogs. She treated cats very badly and I WORSHIP cats.

    It’s hard to say if I liked her. He did everything he could to make us hate each other, but we didn’t. We got along. We both talked about him behind his back – about his strange behaviors. And we both loved him.

    Still, I have to say that without him as a connection, she is not someone I would have gotten to know or spent time with, but I’m glad I did.



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  2. skylar says:

    BBE,
    you dodged a bullet. I think you have a guardian angel looking out for you. Remember, to those whom much is given, much is expected. You have had a close call and a valuable lesson. I hope you find a way to share it and teach others.



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  3. behind_blue_eyes says:

    skylar;

    Thanks. Several years before I met the x-spath, I was active in the AIDS community, having been on the board of directors of a very prestigious AIDS organization. The x-spath knew of this and for a long time I bothered by the fact he did not tell me, even after I was facing a serious health issue that had doctors concerned I might be HIV+ about which I was honest to the x-spath…

    In several gay forums, I a quite vocal about “trusting” somebody and underscore that you can’ judge a book by its cover. Putting aside one possible visual cue, you would never think he was the type that would be HIV+: polite, quiet, guy next-door looking, not seeming sex driven.

    He is easily the type could go to a bar, pick somebody up and given that person a very false impression…



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  4. skylar says:

    BBE,
    that’s the definition of a psychopath: someone who gives a very false impression.

    You’ve learned that impressions are … just that… impressions. Meant to impress an image into your mind and coerce how you respond.

    My own spath was the master of impressions. He had so many different faces, that we could call him mythological: the hero of a thousand faces.

    He used gay men as much as straight women. Children were his favorite, but now I think he has moved on to anyone with money. He told me in a psychopathic tell: “from now on I’m all about money.” I believed that he meant EARNING MONEY. NOT. He meant conning money instead of focusing on conning young people for sex.

    I just realized that, just now, this minute. Sick.



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  5. Louise says:

    BBE:

    Yeah, thank your lucky stars.



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  6. Louise says:

    skylar:

    I’m glad to hear that you liked her and got along with her despite your X spath’s efforts to keep you apart.

    Wow, you and I sound a lot alike. I did grow up on a farm, but was a huge bookworm. I also am somewhat fragile, have never had kids and love cats! I had a gorgeous Himalayan for almost 18 years.



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  7. behind_blue_eyes says:

    skylar;

    It boggles the mind how different the x-spath was to me in person versus what he is online. And he doesn’t even cover his tracks well — same very unique names on dating sites as well as porn sites with all the porn “favorites” depicting unsafe sex.

    But, as you said, such is the very definition of a sociopath. I concur — they are sick.



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  8. panther says:

    Hi Everyone! I got my internet back!!! YAYAYAY!!!

    And…Wow what an article! The way this is written really struck me. I can definitely sense a lot from the person behind the words.

    Those last two paragraphs were amazing. The second to last paragraph is something that I’ve been thinking about lately, which is that the spath will actually never experience life as I know it, in all these colors. He lives in a world which is painfully dull in black and white. Meeting him, seeing him, while his friends still think he is “da man” also makes me feel happy to know that I am NOT like him. Contrast is a nice gift on the back end of dealing with an evil spath. They somehow shine a light on what we really are and let us see where we fall in this universe. I mean that they illuminate our true qualities by showing us how VASTLY different people can be.

    In another forum, someone said it really well. They said that sociopaths rip our hearts out to remind us that WE have hearts. The experience, in a weird way, reminds us what is special and important in life. We can more clearly see REAL values that we may have taken for granted at times.

    I’d send him a thank you letter for this, but he wouldn’t get it. And I don’t mean he wouldn’t physically get it. I mean he wouldn’t GET IT at all. Trying to show a rainbow to someone who is color blind is a recipe for driving yourself mad!

    Thanks for this article!!! It’s delicately beautiful and it has a magical whisper to it!



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  9. dancingnancies says:

    ‘scuse me if i’m a little late in responding but mending- i just read the spath letter and WOW! First of all, Towanda!!! to you for wising up. Second of all, I think that letter is an excellent tool/document to learn from. Granted, it is the biggest pot of B.S. I’ve ever read and from the get go I could hear the twinges of manipulation ( think Henry Rollins’ ‘Liar’ … it’s up on youtube if you’re unfamiliar ) …

    the “the person you saw in the beginning” BS- ie : the “mask” ( he wants you to remember when he lovebombed you into thinking he was a normal human being! When in truth he’s a snake in human skin )

    the over the top “heartfelt apology” ( yeah right )

    I laughed a little bit inside when i read ” I just let the part of me take over that isn’t really who I am” ( He means, you SAW the real me [read:satan] and I’m trying to convince you to remember the MASK – ie the FALSE FACE i put on to hook you in the first place! )

    He says, “So you know, when I said I was going to follow through 2 months ago with getting my act straight once and for all, i meant it” ( LOL )

    And keep in mind he wrote this letter with deceiving you in mind. And it shows. He knew he wasn’t going to be any different, he was just dangling another carrot stick so he could slime you again. REPULSIVE.

    Anywho, if you haven’t seen Henry Rollins’ Liar video already, I would suggest you do 🙂 Spitting image. The odd thing is that they’re all the same. The gut feeling was there when I read that letter because it all seemed so familiar to me.

    Henry Rollins’ Liar



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