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TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I can’t help but wish he was the sweet, “genuine” person I fell for

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a young woman whom we’ll call “Krista.” She needs support. If you have any words of encouragement, please offer them.

I am so lost and upset. I am 22, I was with a guy for about a year … he swept me off my feet with his charm and seemingly genuine character. I am a good girl, never got into anything bad, partied in college but never got in trouble. I met my ex out of pure boredom, knew him from high school (he had a terrible “bad boy” reputation). He literally said all the right things, charmed me and I fell hard.

He got me with his sad story too (his mom passed away when he was 10 from a heroin overdose, and has 5 siblings and grew up very poor). He is an alcoholic, an ex coke head and E head … I started dating him knowing he was going into rehab and a halfway house (court ordered, he is on felony probation) … He said I was his angel and I gave his “lost soul” something to work hard for … my background in school is sociology and psychology and I come from a very good, close family … I really thought I could help him …

For about 2 months everything was great even though he was not anywhere near my intellectual level (not bragging AT ALL), but I just blamed it on his past drug use and environmental factors from childhood and looked past it … Anyways, things went really bad, really quick. He got kicked out of the halfway house after about 2 months for running his mouth to a counselor … and he moved into my apartment with me (stupid idea, i know) …

Bad behavior

Well … he started to beg to drink and hey, I’m 22 and I only knew him for 2 months at that point, I didn’t know if he was truly an alcoholic … well he is 100% …

I remember the first time we went out and drank. He thought someone made a comment to me and he smashed the entire back windshield off a random car downtown, fled the scene and left me alone in the street and I had to meet him at the hospital … it was awful … and he cried and begged me to stay and said how sorry he was and I gave him another chance …

After that I made him a resume so he could get a job, and we sent an email to a potential job for him. When I checked the “sent” box to make sure the attachment sent … I found 2 sexually explicit emails he sent out to MEN off a Craigslist ad looking for sex!?!?!?!

I immediately freaked out and didn’t know what to do, he denied it (he’s a pathological liar, lies about everything) … It took about 3 hours for him to finally admit that he was bi-sexual and had been with men. Well … I kicked him out that day, but it didn’t last … He cried and begged and said I was everything to him … and I took him back thinking MAYBE it could work if we went to counseling to try to figure out why he has sexual desires toward men.

Another apartment

Well we never went to counseling … we moved into another apartment together (BIG MISTAKE) … I wanted him to be the man I fell in love with, with all that charm and saying all the right things. He always said all the right things, his actions didn’t.

After we moved in with each other, over the course of about 9 months, I found probably 40 Facebook messages to other women (to me that’s cheating, whether he pursued it or not). He stole 23 of my prescribed Xanax (denied it, but I found the texts proving him selling them for adderal), text message from a girl at work, etc.

I tried breaking up with him several times … an example of how it went when I tried to break up with him includes: holding a butcher knife to his throat, dragging his head on the pavement out of my drivers side door, choking himself with my seatbelt, smashing a mirror over his head causing a concussion and another hospital trip, begging, promising the world to me, etc. He literally messed up 100 times, and then manipulated the living crap out of me to try to get me back each time.

Wanted to believe

I wanted to believe him SO bad that he would change and just be the nice guy he is 75% of the time. Well … I was miserable every day of my life, I didn’t know how to leave, I was scared to leave, I still “loved” him (really I just loved the idea of what I wish he was) …

Finally about 6 weeks ago he really blew it over the edge. He started to bring cocaine into the apartment, started spending his entire paycheck at the bar, etc. Well this one particular night he drank about 15 beers, half a bottle of liquor then about 6 more drinks at the bar when we went out … He flirted with a girl (which I later found out he cheated on me with a week before I broke up with him) for about 4 hours in front of my face at the bar as I cried and begged them both to stop …

The night ended with a phone call to the cops. He fled the scene and went god knows where … and I called my mom and we waited until 10 a.m. for him to finally get home and I broke up with him and asked him to pack his stuff and leave. He left, in a very cocky manner, denying that he did ANYTHING wrong …

Harassment

Then, over a 5-week span after the breakup, he started “dating” her (he denied that), he posted himself on Craigslist for hookups with men, he committed harassment, aggravated harassment, and stalking to me, consisting of about 700 phones calls, 350 texts, 50 Facebook messages, emails, showing up at my apartment, 7 suicide threats (I’m on the train tracks and can hear it coming, I’m going to hang myself in the back yard, “I hope you like killing me”), etc. etc. etc. …

Well I stayed strong for about 2 weeks … then he left a voicemail saying he got arrested and was going to go to jail for at least 1-3 years and “if you ever cared about me, call me back” … I called him back and had him come over … BIG MISTAKE …

I contacted his probation officer and told her to leave my name out of anything because he clearly is getting into trouble on his own … Well once he had probation, the day after I had him over … he called screaming at me, saying the “arrest story” was a big LIE (to manipulate me into talking to him) … and his probation officer called me and said he lied (she’s not happy with him) … after that he still called over 300 times and contacted my friends to relay messages to me, etc.

Order of protection

Well I filed for an order of protection and finally THIS MORNING I had court to finalize a “full stay away for one year”… I saw him at court today for the first time in 3 weeks … It was AWFUL, he came in whistling, cocky, and gave the judge responses like “yup, nope.” It was terrible. The guards/cops came up to me afterwards and told me they got a good laugh at him because of his clearly controlling, manipulative, immature behavior.

Anyways … I guess I’m writing because I am having a hard night … I KNOW I clearly made the right decision by leaving him and getting the restraining order, but seeing him today at court was AWFUL. I can’t help but to still wish he was the sweet, “genuine” person I fell for … but he’s not.

My therapist is convinced that my ex is a narcissistic sociopath who is heavily emotionally and verbally abusive … I don’t know … I just am SO scared to ever love again, SO scared I am going to fall for another jerk. I want revenge and to tell all his friends that he is bi … I don’t know anymore … I just want to stop dwelling … help?

 



32 Comments on "TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I can’t help but wish he was the sweet, “genuine” person I fell for"

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  1. blondblueeyes says:

    Thank you for reading my comment, (its not nice) but is nice to know there is people that understand, the pain, the sadness, and the emotions we go through, and why we still keep going back. It takes just that last kick up the arse, the just one more thing and so much strenth to say no. no more. thats why I understand you eg88. which that we lived near, so we could support each other. Just thank god there is this. Love blog. people reading, you should see, what a sociopath does to you. there so cruel, and you just dont get it, how could they do this to me. What did I do wrong. Well we dont do any thing wrong. and still we love them.



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  2. eg88 says:

    No problem Blond, I wish the best for you…and myself…and anyone who has dealt with a lunatic/sociopathic/jerk! I meant to also tell you, if you have a YWCA around you, you can go see a “domestic violence advocate”. That’s one of the places I went for help along with the meetings I attend and therapy sessions. Believe it or not…you were 100% in a domestic violence relationship. Domestic violence isn’t just physical…its emotional, manipulation, mental abuse as well…which is severely painful for us…I told my EX once, “I’d rather you beat me right now than treat me the way you do”–that was one of the lowest I felt…at that point I knew I had died and he was winning. Whether the women at the YWCA have dealt with sociopaths, or just plain abusers…they understand on a BIG level. Stay strong, and keep NO contact…if he is starving, bleeding, dying, helpless, homeless HE will use, manipulate and control someELSE to get his needs met. NOT YOU anymore!!!! WE deserve good lives, we are strong, intelligent women who escaped the grasp of evil, heartless men!



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  3. blondblueeyes says:

    Well shit hit the fan, seen him in at the doctors, and spoke for awhile when leaving. We were seen by his other woman. I told him she seen me. later when he got home, he txt, yep she bloody seen you. I wrote back, well its probley time to tell her the truth, see if she understands like I did, ( she already had a feeling about us) as he said they aruged over me. But later when I drove past, we all live about 1k apart so we have to drive past each others place, but I did have a good look. Yep all is well, he has no light on, and its been a few hours and he has managed to bull shit and lie to her face. You wait and see the abuse I will get tomorrow when he is at work, thats when he sms me. It will be all my fault. He is the lier. Having me on for 7 months, saying to me that he is not really wanting to be with her not for the long run. Any how I will not take it, I will not answer any thing. But I may get her coming down one day. I am not affaid of her, just I think he has rubbished me that much, she will be in a rage, I will talk carmly to her, not let her in, cos of my health problems, (which she wouldnt no about) but tell her I am not the emery here. I feel for you, just as much as myself, if she wants to no the truth, then I will tell her every thing. but if she screams, I will tell her she will have to find out the hard way like I did, and swollow it. As for me, I am so sad. this shit head grabbed my heart so much. Now its come to a head, and He makes out to every one Iam a bitch, and I got him into money problems, he turned every thing around, so he turnes out to be the good guy, me the trouble maker. In away I wish she would knock on my door. like us all though, I dont think she wants to know. This is the lady that sms me, to tell me to leave them alone they are having a relationship and adored him. when he just seen me a couple of days before, and made love, and a few weeks before that was saying he was sorry to me, and was making up again, she totally freaked me out. I didnt know he was saying sorry to me, and beeing with a new woman as well. I put it down to, back then he had rebounded. I mean she only lived 2 doors away from him. Any how I am still full of excuses, I know. I hurt so much, and he is such a lier. see waht happens over the next few days. keep you informed. If any thing happens to me also I have wrote it on here. I have also told my parents just incase. He has done some terrable things, to people for drugs in his past, so you may never no. One hit to my head, and I could die. I might be over doing things, but I have never had this situation with him ever before. maybe nothing will happen????



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  4. blondblueeyes says:

    its been afew days now since, we got caught, by his rebound, that I also feel sorry for, as she has no idea yet. I havent heared any thing, dont worry I havent done any thing about it either. The only thing I have done is cry and cry, I realise that he has gone for me, one he thought I was going to have money, but two, is I am a vonrable person, I have disabililtys that with all his caring affection, and actions, eg going to hospitals, and doctors with you, that your heart just falls so hard, that what makes it so hard to let go. The lady he also has been and still is having on, is also maybe having a pay out,hasnt so far, thats why he has gone back lying through his teeth, still may get a pay out, she also, has a bad back and one hip. The thing is all those wasted years, now I can hardly walk at times, shes not going through this let, but will do, you say dont worry about her, it just hurts me to think how cruel he is and still is being, not really caring about any of us. and I should just hit my self, why why if i know all this do I still love him. I am hurting so much



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  5. eg88 says:

    Hey Blond, I am very sorry your struggling with this…I feel your pain. It is very understandable why you would feel so upset, yes he was there for you at doctors appointments and showed you affection…but he is not really that person…he had alternative motives behind his actions…which is terrible, I know. Just know it get better in time…it really does. It will come and go in waves of sadness, depression, anxiety, etc. I didn’t cry for a month until 3 days ago, and I have cried every night…its a process. We have to take it one day at a time…they damaged us, betrayed us, used us, hurt us, and the worst part is…they go on with life JUST FINE as we suffer…Please take care of yourself…cry if you need to cry, but please seek help if you need too…the meetings I go to, and therapy I go to really help me.



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