Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “Trista.” On January 10, 2010, we posted her story, “LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug.” Well, Trista’s story continues.
I have written to you long ago telling how my S husband destroyed my life. I would never think that I would meet another one, even worst than the first. I wonder why I attract those people.
This is a sad story that is still now breaking my heart. I’m giving this to you and to the site.
I’m writing from Brazil, where I moved after my divorce. The very first week here I was looking for a flat and someone told me about an estate agent who could help. I went to meet him an evening in March this year, and I met a tall, charming guy of 58 who immediately seemed more interested in me as a woman than as a client. I should have seen some red flags when he became unprofessional with me and said I had a nice body. He then invited me for a meal that evening and I went.
We had a nice time, but he was talking sex very quickly. He grabbed both my hands on the table and I took my hands away. He was Mr. Charm, though, and I laughed a lot with him, even though he was quickly asking me intimate questions that I felt uncomfortable with. Leaving the restaurant, he asked me if I would go to a motel with him and of course I said no and planned not to see him again. I should have done so, but next morning he sent me a lovely kind email saying how much he had liked talking to me, and i replied that he should go a bit slowly with me! He agreed and disappeared for a while, but we resumed writing emails very soon.
He asked if I would pay
Through emails we started getting to know each other better, he was lonely, having lost his third relationship (Red flags!!!!!) and I was lonely having lost my husband through divorce. He wrote and wrote, absolutely lovely emails, we started sharing our lives. I asked why we couldn’t meet properly, he had lots of reasons, and we did not meet again till April.
When we met again he was depressed about the end of his relationship and about money. He told me he was absolutely squint (red flags!!!!!). We ended up having a row and left thinking we would not see each other again. I even deleted his phone number from my mobile. However, next day he wrote the biggest email ever, telling me his whole life and we started writing to each other again.
He then asked me if I would pay for a meal for us, since he couldn’t. We could meet again. I agreed. We had a good time and started getting to know each other.
From then on, we started going out together on a regular basis. He took me to the bus station when I had to go away on business, waiting till I left looking into my eyes. We had our regular pizza place, we went to many posh restaurants, and I paid it all. I wanted to be with him and his sad story was touching my heart.
In June we went to another state (Minas Gerais, in the middle of Brazil). He had business there and took me with him. We rented a car and I paid for it. We stopped for food along the way, 5 hours travelling, and I paid for it. I paid the petrol. The trip was wonderful, a lovely place, sunny days, amazing connection between him and me. I was falling in love fast. During this trip we made love for the first time. That was out of this world. He was kind, considerate of me, a lovely man in every aspect.
I was his angel
Another month went by. We saw each other nearly every day. He used to phone 3 or 4 times a day and even in the middle of the night to hear my voice. He asked me not to see other men, still wrote emails saying how wonderful I was, how much he liked me, how I was his angel, how I was this and that, he had only compliments and beautiful things to say. Soon he asked me to be his girlfriend and even ask to meet my adult son and told him we had a relationship. We would go to bed about three times a week and to be in his arms were the best times of my life.
He said he was ‘my husband’ and i was ‘his wife,’ he said he would give me lots of love and care and that our relationship was made in heaven. I believed it all and still paid everything, also bought him needed things like pairs of shoes, trousers, a shirt, mended two jackets, etc. He also started asking me for money to help is day to day, since he was not making ends meet, and I started lending him money in a regular basis. He said he was taking note of it all and would pay back when possible.
We went back to Minas for a second trip. That was even better than the first, since now we were a couple and obviously in love. A problem he had was not holding hands in public and not kissing. I tried to ask him why he could not do these things and he said that they were ’emotional’ and he never did then. (RED big flags !!!!). I suffered a lot about that, sometimes he did hold my hand but it was very quick and he would even take his hand away. One day I held his hand in the underground station and he told me very coldly that he would end the relationship if I did that again. (Oh, the flags were really coming by now.)
Started to pick fights
About this time, things started to change. He started to pick fights for nothings. He started to show a side I did not know, flying into rages for next to nothing and very frequently. The rages were huge affairs and very frightening. I never knew what could trigger then off and started to ‘walk on eggs’ near him. Once in a restaurant he thought the food was bad and wanted to ask for the money back. I asked if I could go and ask, because I knew how he would do it and he said yes, I could go. When I did not get the money back he flew into a horrendous rage against me, asking me to shut up, making me cry in the restaurant, using swear words against me for no reason more than I could not get the money back (and I was paying it all).
Next day he did not know why I was still sad.
We had some episodes of those rages and they were frightening. I realized that he was a liar as well, having told me fibs for no reason. Once he told me that his brother’s girlfriend was a teacher and that his brother was going to finish the relationship with her because of her temper, however when later I mentioned it he denied ever having said that and even said I needed to see a shrink. I think he made that up completely and forgot about it.
He also made me think that the wrong person was me and that I was spoiling the relationship. He had a cunning way to blame me for everything that went wrong with us. His anger attacks were more and more frequent, for trivialities, often I was left wondering what could have provoked the last attack. He also could not deal with frustration and became very depressed. He would say that he did not fight, he only answered to my provocation, that I had a terrible temper. However, he was the one flying off the handle for nothings, and forgetting it all next morning.
I noticed that he became easily bored with things, even my conversation, places, etc.
We had started talking about moving in together before things went pear shaped, and we were planning the flat, he was promising me to do all the fittings himself and we were imagining a life together. He even said that we would live together the rest of our lives. We bought things thinking on our life as a couple and in his good moments I could well imagine how wonderful it could be, if only he could hold his horrendous rages.
One Sunday he went to see his daughter for her birthday and when I tried to phone him, his phone was off. His phone was off the whole day and some of the next. When I finally reached him he said he had had a bad day and was depressed.
Finished the relationship
Next day, out of the blue, HE FINISHED OUR RELATIONSHIP.
He screamed down the phone that he was NOT my boyfriend and much less my husband, when confronted why he asked me to be his girlfriend then he DENIED ever having said that. He also denied everything else he said and said he must have been drunk. He said he was only my friend, not my boyfriend. So I said to him that he have used me as a friend with benefits, and abused me verbally, took my money and my heart. He continued denying ever having had anything with me.
I asked him to tell me all that in person, he came to meet me in a park, two hours late, with a face like a wall, trying to push me away, not wanting even to sit a minute to discuss things.
He then sent me a lovely email saying how wonderful I was, followed by a horrendous hurtful email telling me how bad I am and ten minutes later another email saying he really likes me and I’m a marvelous person, please oh please be his friend.
Next day he phoned me to say he had ANOTHER WOMAN. She was near him and he said he liked her, for her to listen, but later wrote me an email to say she was only a TEST for him. So, he is still using people. I feel cheated, abused and used and was left brokenhearted, without much explanation, only he was probably bored and found another woman.
Talking about that, I should have seen the red flags as well before, as he told me of one night stands he had had. He is also highly sexual, another red flag. His commitment to me meant nothing to him, less than nothing, as he does not even remember the things he said. He had also no empathy for me, for my suffering for him, as I really loved him, and wrote emails telling me how his new relationship was ‘all right.’
I’m also without the money he left from me, a huge amount.
I have contacted his daughter to know if he does these things often and all she answered me was that she has nothing much to do with him and she has her reasons.
Dreams are dead
I’m now suffering so much that I hardly can live. All my dreams of having him are dead and he is not even bothering. He told me to go dancing to forget him!!!!!
So, I’m another woman who saw the S a bit too late. All the signs were there—the lack of feeling, the lack of emotion, the lack of tenderness, like holding hands, the blame I got for everything, he was never guilty, the horrendous rages out of the blue for nothings, the lack of empathy, no sense of commitment even after a full sexual relationship (He said it was ‘functional’), the erratic lifestyle, no money, changing jobs and houses, changing relationships (I was number 4), living off his brother, using my money for EVERYTHING, telling silly unnecessary lies, incapacity for love and attachment, ingratitude for all I did for him, practically maintaining him for a year, his mood shifts, his lack of responsibility for his actions, even denying they ever happened, treating people like tools for money and sex, easily provoked, one night stands, trying to make me feel that I was the crazy one when he told a lie and did not remember it, thinking that i was provoking him to anger when he was the angry one all the time, not honouring formal or informal commitment to a woman who truly loved him.
Please use my story to warn others. They are everywhere and they inflict serious damage in other people’s lives.