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Sociopaths keep the charade going for awhile

I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.

Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:

I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.

The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?

Expressions of love

I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.

We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”

A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.

How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.

Complete change

The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”

Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.

A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:

Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.

From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married … The change was startling … cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory … self righteous, irresponsible

It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in!  All he wanted was MONEY!

In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.

Doesn’t exist

So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”

The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.



830 Comments on "Sociopaths keep the charade going for awhile"

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  1. educatedprofessional says:

    Please be safe. Considering moving. When you do be sure and have ALL mail forwarded to a PO Box. Everything. You would be surprised how easy it is to find your new address otherwise. Thats literally living a nightmare – your situation. Beyond safety, wish you peace.



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  2. Back_from_the_edge says:

    educatedprofessional: Thanks again for your wishes of safety. I have been considering moving for a while now and I think it is going to happen very soon. It’s not because of “IT”, though. It’s for MY OWN REASONS. I refuse, flat out, absolutely, REFUSE to let “IT” influence my life and/or decisions, in any way whatsoever anymore.

    Oh yes, mail will be forwarded, definitely.
    Yes, I have been living this nightmare for the past five years now. It used to be a nightmare but it isn’t anymore. This blog has helped me unwind the real truths of all of this. I would still be stuck in that dark hole if it hadn’t of been for me seeing Donna’s story. OMG: I could so relate!

    The peace is the hardest part. The safety part is easy. I have lots of Angels around me. It’s the ‘mind control’ part of all of this that has been the most difficult. I was at a loss for explanation why someone who was suppose to be my friend could end up doing all these things to me. It took a long time for me to realize that it’s okay to give up on someone. It’s okay. It isn’t necessary for me to give up my life to see someone else succeed in theirs.

    You know, when I first met “IT”, just by being in the same room with “IT”, I could ‘tell’ something was very seriously wrong. Although very charming and polite, there was something just not right…so, I never really fell into the lovebombing because I would not allow it to just move right in and take over my life. I have known it for ten years and well, you hear a lot and see a lot over the length of a ‘friendship’ that is that long.

    All the lies and web spinning and deceptions. There was never any need for it. I brushed his attentions off for quite a few years and when I finally gave “IT” my attentions, wow, that’s when the wickedness began. For five of those ten years we knew one another, “IT” was married! Imagine that. LBO. Which is equally as rotten as flat out lying, in my book.

    After I found that out, the rest just kind of unfolded before my eyes. NOW I know all the real truths. How could I have ever loved someone so vile? You know how? Because I was bamboozled and gaslighted and lovebombed. That’s why. They are very skillful at what they do and I found out, on my investigations, that this is what “IT” does – floats from woman to woman, sucking everything in like that ‘bottom feeder’ on the bottom of the ocean, without care nor remorse.

    Wow, did “I” give attention to the WRONG person; hm?
    I should have followed my instincts right in the beginning, instead of ‘feeling sorry’ for “IT”. A year and a half ago, this whole experience pushed me into a massive heart attack where I had 65% destruction to my heart muscle. There is no time nor room in what I have left of my life for this garbage. There just isn’t. I gave up enough time for this ‘devil’.

    IT WAS a nightmare, for a long time, but it isn’t anymore. I have been in counseling for four years and am now on Lexapro which has really ‘grounded’ me and my nerves. I have two counselors. One, I see once a week and the other, I see once a month. One is a PHd psychologist and the other is a PHd psychologist with a specialty in neurology. Excellent treatment and therapy I have had along the way. However, I have had to ‘be careful’ about whom I have chosen to counsel me, professionally. Because even though they ARE the center of this kind of treatment, as you would like to THINK, not every psychologist is ‘hip’ on the situations that exist with ppaths or spaths. I have gotten BLESSED to find the support I have needed along the way but it has been a struggle finding it.

    NOBODY in the world would ever believe my story.
    Except for here, on Love Fraud. I have found and currently have a counselor, one of my counselors, who completely UNDERSTANDS what I have been through. I am sorry to report that she, herself, has been the ‘victim’ of a sociopath. It is slowly becoming a thing of the past…a distant memory. One that has changed me for all time.

    I am agoraphobic now with major depression, ptsd, a fatal heart condition. I lost my career and all my friends over this. “IT” stole and raped the last good ten years of my life and then ripped my head off and pissed down my neck on “ITS” way out the door, laughing.

    Imagine one moment, someone telling you that they love you and you absolutely believe them. And, the next, they are trying to murder you. What a shock. All from someone you trusted….

    Take care of yourself educatedprofessional. Thank you for your posts and for caring. I am an old hand at ‘controlling’ my life and walking the path “I” want and not the path I am manipulated into. I will die being that way.

    Thanks for the wishes of peace…
    I wish the same for you.

    Dupey



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