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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I did not choose this guy

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75%+ of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.

Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed “resources” I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to “get it” little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.

The comment goes like this: “Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy.” It is always said after they are frustrated at your upset or stress, or after they have gotten stressed, or when they realize they really can’t help you. I guess it’s a kind of guilt deflector. A way of saying, ultimately it’s your own damn fault so take the drama somewhere else. Even if the drama is externally created and you’re trying your best to have the boring, drama-free life that is SO attractive now. I would love boring.

The thing is, I didn’t “choose” this guy. He chose me. I chose a different guy, the one he was pretending to be. Yes, maybe I got involved too quickly. They are good at moving things along. So yes, I made a bad decision. It’s true. I would undo it if I could. Some people make hasty relationship decisions and have it all work out fine, like my parents did. But is that one bad decision I made as bad as all the things he has done: the emotional and physical abuse, the con, the isolation, the crazymaking, the fact that I had to give up a great career, my life savings, my car, the fact that I am being run into court on an almost monthly basis, the fact that my good reputation is now sullied with the lies he tells.

No I didn’t choose this. I was smart, successful, maybe a little vulnerable, but not stupid. And I was nice. That’s why he chose me. That’s what people don’t get. I am not this psycho-bitch he keeps telling people I am. If I was, he would have moved on to an easier mark. The reality is that I was a semi-Pollyanna, who believed in helping people, giving the benefit of the doubt, being NICE.

So, no this is not my fault. This incredible nightmare that has become my life since I met this man, is not entirely my fault. It is a little bit my fault. I am more cautious now. But his behavior is not my responsibility, as awful as it is. And nothing I did was so bad that I deserve what has happened and is happening.

No, I didn’t choose this. Even though my mother said it today. Even though the cop that was supposedly on my side (after I received a death threat) said this after they brought him in for questioning, and then reduced the whole thing to a “domestic matter.”

I didn’t choose the nightmare. It chose me. I was just a little too naive to tell. I am not anymore.



304 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I did not choose this guy"

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  1. Ox Drover says:

    Not sure how Petite is doing, she is away at a conference and then to China for a week or two on vacation…with the guy in the group…so haven’t heard from her and can’t call her either. I’ve been down in Texas until Sunday so was out of touch myself without even cell service and no internet. I’ll hear from her when she gets back and have her report how things went.

    One, sounds actually like you are doing much better to be ABLE to compartmentalize. So that is a good thing.



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  2. one/joy_step_at_a_time says:

    oxy,
    ‘the eye of the storm’ is that quiet place in chaos, and i am there more and more in regards to work, because i have o choice if i want to preserve my gains toward sanity.

    i had an opp. to publicly slag the spath recently, but i couldn’t figure out what the outcomes might be, so i didn’t. self-pro-tection is the name of the game.

    besides, when the time comes that i can and do see the outcomes, i am sure the evil *c* will still be in need of slagging, as she will run her cons until she draws her dying breath.



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  3. Penny says:

    Dear Ox Drover,

    Thanks so much for your response. I hear U loud and clear. We so get one another. I made the choices I made then because I didn’t know what I know now then. I had no idea that the behaviors I saw then were signs that something was seriously wrong with the person I was dealing with and to make things even more confusing, he was very sweet and good to me at times. I had no idea that the ex was showing signs of a very serious psychological disorder for which there is no cure. I had heard the word sociopath before, but like most people had no real understanding of the word and that such people exist in everyday life. I didn’t see the full scale monster I was dealing with until I left him after our child was born and refused his requests to reconcile. After this, my life was turned upside down and my inner peace was robbed from me (my loved ones lives were also turned upside down as a result of them not abandoning me and my child during this period). It seemed to happen so fast. My life became a circus. Things got so ugly and nasty and I didn’t do anything to provoke this kind of behavior he was constantly throwing my way at all costs even if it involved using our child. He did not hesitate and would not show the slightest bit of guilt, shame, and remorse for doing so. The show just continued and he continued to project the false image of the loving and involved father (I thank GOD that people have now been able to see through the facade and now see that there is something not quite right about him).

    I’ve since learned from my costly mistake, but I am not the only person who has ever made a mistake. I will not allow others to continue to make me to feel stupid and guilty for making my mistakes. My mistakes as painful as they have been to live with has made me appreciate a lot of things I took for granted and has also made to become a lot stronger and wiser. I now know that there are such things as personality disorders and I now arm myself with this information. Now when I see signs from another that anything is wrong, personality disorder or not, I’m gone.

    I’m so grateful that Donna created such a site. One that allows us to see that we are not alone and one that allows us to talk with others who “get It” since most of the people we encounter outside of this website don’t.



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  4. ErinBrock says:

    One/Joy:
    Good self control…..don’t do something you don’t KNOW the outcome to!
    As tempting as it may be….self control and discipline when dealing with a spath is KEY~!!

    Like jumping into a cool inviting pool in 110 heat….when you can’t see the bottom!



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  5. Ox Drover says:

    Dear One stepper,

    I agree that it is best to NOT jump off into a pool where you cannot see the bottom. Good job in restraining yourself.

    Penny, I’m glad that you are healing and growing and learning, because you have paid a HIGH PRICE for the TUITION to the University of Hard Knocks! I paid tuition a bunch of times but kept flunking the classes! LOL I think I have a PhD now! LOL

    Keep on protecting your child and taking care of yourself! I too am grateful to Donna for this site as I think it saved my sanity!



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  6. one/joy_step_at_a_time says:

    EB – I learned to ask myself that question from listening to you.



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  7. Dances with Moon says:

    wheres akitameg? did I pith you off? hope you aint dancing with that pos……!!!



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