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By September 20, 2010 16 Comments Read More →

I wasn’t that stupid

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

A Lovefraud reader recently sent me the following link from Wikipedia:

Psychological manipulation

The author of the article on psychological manipulation based most of its information on three books: Who’s Pulling Your Strings?, by Harriet B. Braiker; In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, by George K. Simon; and The Psychopathology of Everyday Life, by Martin Kantor.

The first two sections of the article are excellent. First, the author discusses the requirements of successful manipulation:

According to Simon, successful psychological manipulation primarily involves:

  • manipulator concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors.
  • manipulator knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be the most effective.
  • manipulator having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.

Then the author describes how manipulators control their victims. This was a catalog of all the behaviors we know so well—lying, denial, rationalization, minimization, etc., etc. Yes, I’d experienced all of them.

Vulnerabilities

Next, the article discusses the vulnerabilities exploited by manipulators. Here’s where I had problems.

According to Braiker, vulnerabilities that made one susceptible to manipulation included the “disease to please,” lack of assertiveness, a blurry sense of identity and low self-reliance. No, no, no and no, that wasn’t me.

According to Simon, susceptible people were over-conscientious, self-doubting, and had a submissive personality. I have none of those traits. Simon also mentioned naivete. I will admit that I was naïve, but not in the way this author defined it. So for me, that’s a “no” as well.

Then there was Kantor’s list. He described vulnerable people as too altruistic, too impressionable, too masochistic, too dependent, too impulsive, and too much of several other traits. Of his list, I had to admit that a few somewhat applied to me.

Kantor said vulnerable people are “too trusting—people who are honest often assume that everyone else is honest.” I am honest, and although I am well aware that dishonesty exists, I did not know that a man who was emphatically proclaiming his love to me would be lying.

I was too lonely, but not in all aspects of my life, only in that I was lacking a romantic partner. Otherwise, I had plenty of friends. And once in my life I was too impulsive—when I quickly said yes to James Montgomery’s marriage proposal. Otherwise, I took time to consider my decisions.

Overall, the list of vulnerabilities in this article gives the impression that only stupid, pathetic people fall for psychological manipulation. And that wasn’t me.

Meant to be

There was another reason why I allowed James Montgomery to manipulate me: It was meant to be.

When I was involved with Montgomery, it didn’t take long for me to realize that something was amiss.  He was telling me how much he loved me, and how rich and successful we were going to be. But I knew that on some matters, he was lying to me. I knew he was taking my money. Eventually, I knew he was cheating.

So I prayed for guidance. I prayed to God, my higher power, my guardian angels. And I kept receiving messages to stay with him, that everything would work out just fine.

I stayed, and things did work out, although not at all in the way I expected. The journey was painful. But I am now happier and more fulfilled than I ever was before the experience, in my lonely, naïve and impulsive days.

No, I wasn’t stupid. I did what I was supposed to do. It may look foolish from an earthly perspective, but my involvement with James Montgomery was right for my personal and spiritual growth.



16 Comments on "I wasn’t that stupid"

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  1. Ox Drover says:

    Kathy, your comment on September 21 is so well thought out and so on the mark in my opinion! GREAT COMMENT!

    “Used car salesmen”! Ah yes, I’ve bought that RR a few times myself! LOL

    Thanks for a great thought provoking comment!



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  2. Caylin says:

    Hi Everyone,
    I am not sure where to start a new blog or topic and if that is even allowed so here is where i will write what’s on my mind. I am asking for support now and i thank everyone in advance….. I have mentioned that i am new here and that my now ex-bf had beat me up pretty severely and is sitting in jail.Just a litle info. to refresh anyone’s memory who might like to comment. I was served a subpoena to be in court on Nov. 22, 2010 at 8:15am. I was told by my victim’s advocate that i probably wouldn’t have to show up since they had quite a few very troubling and brutal pics of my face and neck that they (DA) could use, so i was shocked and then i got Peode!!! I was mad because this man sp, is still holding onto his inocense/ not guilty plea. Being told that if he had made a guilty or no contest plea that they would not need me to testify. Okay, if this person had any remorse at all for what he did to my face, my sense of safety, anything that i am being put through now then i feel he would cop a plea to save me from having to go to court to testify at all. If i don’t show up then i get a bench warrant, go figure!! I am thinking that him and his attorney think that i will be like alot of other DV victims and not show (for fear for my life or love for the sp) Well this is where i feel very strongly why this is happening and it has to do with my spiritual growth. i have read Donna’s reasoning as to why her sp had been placed in her life. I am on the same page in respect to my life and my spiritual lifes plan. I had (unrecognized) before reccently been affected by soooo many sp’s durring my entire life. Now with all of them getting away with abusing me in all sorts of ways and always getting away with it. I had been left with losing my R.N. career due to an emotional breakdown that tore my life apart. I am now disabled due to Mental diagnosis’ like PTSD, DID, Major depressive disorder, Panick disorder (all of which my sp-xbf new about and used it all to his advantage)these are left over after-effects from repressed childhood trauma (severe to say the least)Now i was angry that the DA wanted to use me as a pawn to get a conviction!!!! But now i can see that this is the spiritual circle that needs to be completed inorder for me to move on as a whole human being. All of the abusers that i had been abused by in my life had all gotten away with every rotten thing that they did, all of them! Now as scary as this is to me it is time for me to finally POINT my finger at my abuser without fear of not being believed, fear of being killed, beaten, tortured, or fear of being thrown under the bus to save the abuser (which i have to add has been the worst part of it)So as i have read Donna say that she had those red flags in the beginning, prayed about it often (sounds like)and felt the need to stay. So did i. I was mad at myself for not taking heed to my spiritual guidance/my intuition, that this man was unsafe and i stayed anyway. Now i know why!!!! Having been so abused and mentally manipulated, especially durring my childhood, everything and everyone either wasn’t remembered or everything was a big fog but the energy of the traumaS had remained in my energy field to this day causing me great distress from paranoia to panick attacks, etc…. But now, even though this man that is in jjail is not one that had taken his turn abusing me when i was young his energy is the same! Using fear tactics and manipulation to keep me down and getting great pleasure from it. So i am convinced that this is bringing some if not all the closure that i need so i may move on and not have to deal with this type of person again, atleast without first hand knowledge of what kind of beasts these perpetrators are and knowing in my heart that i can spot them and that i can protect myself from them if neeed be. Does any of this make sense to anyone??? i hope so. ANyway, I mentally put this man and all the other perps that i have had in my life into the cage where my ex-bf sp will be sitting durring our court appearance and i am going to point my finger at him when asked if the man who did this to me is in the court room pretending that all the rest of (sps)abusers from my past are sitting with him. This will be a very deap healing process for me and this is probably the reason why i met the creep to begin with and that is to help me heal from the traumas from the past, it may also be healing from past lives as well… Thank you all for listening. I hope i put this in the right place. Donna, thank you for putting all the time and effort that you do into this site and thank you to the rest of you too. Light and love, Caylin



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  3. trimama says:

    Dear StrongSurvivor…oh my! Your story is mine!
    I met my psychopath before he went in for a three year prison sentence. We developed a relationship over that time and I believed in the man I was getting to know. He was careful not to make “prison promises”. But he very definitely lead me to believe he was something he was not.
    He was no more ready to participate in a relationship than a teenage boy.
    He is 42.
    In the year that he has been out, thing have been pure chaos. The list of hurts—and lies—is endless. He is so believable. He knows just how much sincerity to work in order to be trusted.
    And each individual issue is explained away. When I look back at all of the problems that have occurred, it becomes clear that this man is a psychopath. He meets every single descriptor of the disorder.
    And still I find myself loving him. I do believe that I am the only one left in his life who cares and is able to help him navigate life. What I fail to see is that no one else is left because he has abused their love and kindness.
    He has moved on to another female, a young woman. He changed his phone number. I have no idea where he lives.
    I hired a private investigator so I can gain some closure and move on. For some reason, having the facts about him, for once, feels refreshing. I have only had smoke and mirrors since he was released from prison a year ago. For once, it may be nice to have some concrete proof of what he is up to.
    Yes, it will hurt terribly as well.
    I appreciate anything anyone has to offer to heal. I look forward to reading “The Betrayal Bond”.
    Thank you.



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  4. michelebt says:

    The last book I was reading when my sp left me was “What Good is God?”. I knew something was missing from my life. Since I have started going to church I would disagree with some of the comments about church giving you the skills to identify evil. It is actually the Bible that gives you all the tools to identify the evil. It is whether you choose to pay attention. My husband was a deacon in his church long ago but when we married (in civil court), he found all things wrong with each church we went to. Now I see that he could tell these churches were to strong to walk in and manipulate. The church I go to now – a coworker is a member. He really did not want to join this church! He started to go with his new victim, but I believe he has already got in between her and her church going. He already broke her faith by luring her into a relationship with a married man….maybe this is her test too.

    Thank you to all who post here…it has helped me understand what I was dealing with and how I want to move into the next phase of my life – sp free!



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  5. Michelebt,

    In some ways, church makes us more susceptible to sociopaths. We’re taught to forgive, turn the other cheek, look for the good in everyone. We need more instruction on discernment. There is evil in the world, and we need to be able to recognize it and walk away.



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  6. michelebt says:

    Yes it is the perfect pick-up place. During my Divorce care group we were talking about “forgiving” in a Godly fashion….it is not forgetting. And, the forgiveness does not have to be verbalized to the abuser. Just between you and the big guy….he’ll sort it out, you are just letting go of it for your own sanity. So the group really puts the emphasis on learning to be “single” without being alone. The loneliness is whats gets you….feeling disconnected – from family or community. What is the line from “Show Me The Money” – you complete me. No person can fill that space….



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  7. somebodysdream says:

    Like Donna, I feel I have not yet been spiritually released from the sociopath I am legally seperated from.
    He has done unspeakable cruelties to me and the children over the past 6 years.
    Other than AlAnon I have no support group.. I blocked him from the phone and email and just pray a lot.

    Currently he is flaunting his association with a 38yr old married woman(he is 20 her senior) and draining the remaining mutual assets to be her sugar daddy.



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