Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Judith.”
I hope you read this, you know who you are.
I have remained silent for too long. I never used my voice to express how I felt about your actions toward me. I stayed quiet while you stalked and harassed me when I chose to cut all ties with you. I was too worried about what would happen if I spoke up. During that time, I thought no reaction from me would be best — and it was. I’ve since changed my mind and I have determined that there is a difference between “reacting” and using my voice to heal myself.
In the last few years, I’ve done well. I never went back or got caught up in your drama, despite of all your desperate attempts to suck me back into your web of dysfunction and misery. However, as a result of my silence, I have unexpressed feelings from the chaos, abuse, drama and dysfunction that came along with you. Now it’s my turn to speak up. I don’t expect that it matters to you; otherwise, you wouldn’t have done what you did — repeatedly. So this is for me to let it go, get rid of it. Whether you actually read it or not, is not my concern. I’m tired of hauling around old baggage.
The so-called divorce
I know it’s your belief that you have not have wronged me in any way. It’s truly sad that you are so disconnected from yourself and your own behavior. It was surprising when I spoke with you not very long ago; you stated that you believe that you were good to me. Perhaps in that narcissistic fantasyland you live in, but in real life — NOT. I was astonished when you called me in February to tell to me about your so-called divorce. I have to commend you, nice trick, calling from a number I wouldn’t recognize as yours. Yes, you caught me off guard, but only for a moment.
Your display of trickery was a clear indicator that you know I don’t want to be involved. I wasn’t surprised about the divorce part, although I didn’t believe you. That’s your cycle with females. Evidently my instincts have once again proven me right. Obviously I know your patterns too well. Was that some plea for pity or attention? Clearly, it didn’t work.
Funny how things change, eh? I used to feel bad for you when you would pull those stunts. Not anymore, HA. What kind of moron calls an ex for pity about the dysfunction in their marriage then pleads for me to help you because I am the “only one that really knows you?” Well … here’s some food for thought — perhaps that’s why I stay away? Does your wife know that you told me how much you loved me just several months ago? How about that you were pleading with me to help you because you need me? For a man on the edge of a divorce you seemed rather focused on getting advice from me for “your next relationship” as you slandered your wife and spoke of her insecurity while labeling her a “gold digger” and other undesirable adjectives. Oh … isn’t love with you grand. Sounds like you two have a marriage made in paradise.
11 years of history
I’m not entirely sure what goes on in that big old head of yours and quite frankly that’s a good thing. I’ll leave Pandora’s Box shut. However, maybe I should clear some things up for you. Let’s take a look at your actions toward me over that past 11 years, from my point of view. Yes, I have an opinion and writing is the only way I can get it all out without being interrupted with defensiveness when you don’t like what you hear.
You HAVE done me wrong. I suggest you stop fooling yourself and any other idiot around you that believes your fairytales. Oh, and for the record, you may want to clarify with your wife that I was not the “cause of your last divorce.” YOU were the cause of your last divorce. YOU lied when I first met you about your age and marital status, 11 years ago. I can only imagine what you’ve told her. Judging from the way you’ve slandered me in the past, and how well you play the victim role, I believe it’s safe to assume she’s been misled. Maybe a heavy dose of the truth will clear up any misunderstanding.
I was 19 years old when you met me, an adolescent not even a little bit interested in being romantically involved with you .You were self reportedly 26 — but that was a lie. In reality you were a few months shy of 30, certainly too OLD to be pursuing me. I was simply tagging along with the friend of mine whose pants you were trying to get in. It was innocent on my behalf; I thought I was being a good friend so I went along with her, that’s what teenage girls do. Meanwhile I got along with you and thought you were funny and I enjoyed talking to you. I thought it was cool to go to car shows and hang out. That was the end of it for me.
You were married
I had no idea that you were married. How could I? When asked, you said that you hadn’t found the right person yet. Meanwhile, you had a wife at home. Over a period of time, when I did find out, it was not even from you. You didn’t even have the dignity to be forthright and honest about yourself. Of course, you had an excuse for your omission of facts. According to you, the marriage was to get your green card. That should have been my signal to run as far away from you as possible and that you are a user. Instead, I felt pity for you.
When I confronted you with the truth, you led me to believe you had such an unhappy home life and nit-picked your wife at the time. I listened to you and I actually believed you. How could you bring me to car shows and public events with people that knew your wife when I had no clue you were married or how old you were? In fact, how could you bring me to your house and leave me in the car when you knew she was home and watching from the window? Why invite me to come to car shows when you knew she would be present? That’s rotten and she must of felt awful. Certainly, I have when you intentionally flaunted other females in front of my face in an effort to get a reaction from me when I chose to stay away from you.
You even stooped as low as pursuing my friend to make me jealous. I see that worked out well for you, HA. You did me a favor, you showed me you were slimy and so was she. I thank you for that. Does it make you feel like a man to instigate a negative reaction in a person so you can feel good about you? I guess you need two bitches fighting over you so you can feel worthy. In case you hadn’t figured out from the long history — I don’t fight over a man. When I have something there is no need to fight for it.
Hands down my pants
You clearly don’t think about how your actions will make another person feel or how the despicable things you have done can haunt a mind. Did it ever occur to you how awful I felt when you would put your hands on me sexually and force your hands down my pants? Or how about when you would force sex on me? My crying didn’t matter to you. You had to know when I told you to stop that I was uncomfortable with your actions, but you didn’t care. You just tried to get me to stop crying so you could finish whatever you were doing to me. You’re sick.
At 19 years old, I felt that I couldn’t tell anyone. I felt maybe it was my fault. After all, you were supposed to be my friend. Because of what you did to me, I felt dirty and ashamed. It took me until just a few years ago to realize that what you had been doing to me was sick and is, in fact, abusive. You knew what you were doing all along, that’s what you do.
It’s a slow seduction. You set it up that way, so I wouldn’t suspect what you were calculating. It’s the sex addict in hot pursuit. You would tell me you needed to “talk” to me, or you “needed” to see me. Do you know what it feels like to be forced up against a wall with an over 6 foot, almost 300 lb pound body preventing you from escaping as your clothes are being forced off? You must recall the time when you used wire ties to secure my wrists together so I couldn’t leave your apartment? You actually had the nerve to go to D.A.P. and allege that I cut your body with scissors. No, actually, fool, I got a hold of the scissors to try and get myself loose.
I became “difficult”
How about being pushed out of your van and throwing my flip flops out in the parking lot at night as you drove away because I became “difficult”? You were on top of me trying to get my jeans off, meanwhile you somehow managed to disrobe yourself on the bottom. Good thing I wore my jeans tight that night. It was clear you were not going to get sex from me easily so you became angry. The truth is, you lured me there to talk and what you really wanted was sex.
The sad thing is after that happened I was so upset about what you did to me and all I kept thinking was how stupid I was for believing all you wanted was to talk. I thought it was my fault. I couldn’t deal with myself the next day so I didn’t go to work and you actually called to see if I was ok? Isn’t that like punching somebody in the face and then asking them if it hurt?
I always felt like your actions were a result of something I did to deserve it. Truthfully, I didn’t deserve any of it. You knew what you were doing. All along, you had your eye fixed on your prey and it was an adrenaline rush each time I was around you. You wanted conquer me. Guess what? You lost.
Agenda hasn’t changed
Even after 11 years, your agenda hasn’t changed. In fact according to the instant message conversation you initiated with me in the fall, you stated that your heart still races when you see me drive by the shop. Do you divulge that information to your wife?
That admission was after you were telling me how you didn’t have many friends and you wanted to be my friend. Yeah right, friends, I’m sure. Not with me. I stopped playing along. You made me feel awful. I don’t need to be around you nor do I want to — ever. How could you expect that I would want to be your friend?
You have blackmailed me, tried to sabotage positivity in my life, told lies about me, you even went as far as dragging my boyfriend into it and even calling his job to complain because unfortunately he is your FedEx Ground guy. What was the point of calling FedEx and telling the history of you and I to his managers? How about when you told him that I was a liar and never to believe a word I said, as you had your notorious blank stare and flat affect. Do you really think he doesn’t know what went on between you and I? He does, all of it. The only one who looks ridiculous is you. Kind of like when you attacked him in the Pathmark years ago. You looked like an idiot with your entourage of little girls. I guess you thought that made you tough. I believe you’re a bully. Bullies are weak. They attack others to make themselves feel better about their own lack.
It’s sickening that over time, my perception became so skewed that I actually believed that what you had done to me over the years was actually love. Even after three years of no contact, you still worked your way back in. You told me your behavior was all a big misunderstanding. You just wanted me to see how much you loved me. So — court, stalking me, leaving roses and cd’s on my doorstep, calling from payphones so I couldn’t block the number, showing up where I was, calling the cops on me, running me off the road, instigating others to harass me, slander, attacking my boyfriend , physically attacking men that looked at me, is all love? Perhaps in your twisted, warped mind, in reality, not even close.
I wanted to believe they were all misunderstandings, my own lack of trusting myself at that time allowed me to trust someone as twisted as you instead. Not to mention the attention I was seeking. It was intoxicating, at first. I compare it to alcohol. I thought I was in love. Over time it made me sick, sad, depressed and addicted. I was addicted to what I thought was love. I have learned that it truly was not and never could be. I have realized that nobody else can give me the things I was looking for. I have them and I always have. It’s up to me to feel good about me.
You sought me out
I sure have come a long way over the years. There were plenty of times I wanted to die. I felt so depressed and lonely on the inside that I didn’t care. I certainly wasn’t taking good care of myself. An eating disorder, lack of boundaries, chaos, confusion about what love really is and allowing myself to be abused because I thought I needed to suffer in order to get love. I’ve learned that the law of attraction is true. I attracted you, a person as depressed and lonely on the inside as I was. The only difference is, I abused myself; you abuse others, primarily women. You must be really angry on the inside.
It’s scary to think that you actually sought me out. Don’t you think I knew what you wanted when you would show up at my job, trying to charm me? I guess showing up at my job was your last resort because you couldn’t find where I lived? Seemed as though you were shocked when I knew about the female that you have since married and refer to as wife. That mustn’t have fazed you, because you still put your hands on me and tried some of your slick moves. You tried to get your hands were you wanted them, down my jeans, as you were telling me how you and I should have been married with kids by then.
That didn’t work. I knew better .It’s funny how intelligence outsmarts cleverness. I was on to your scheme. I guess you’re left to playing games with your wife or whoever else will be naïve enough to fall for it. Not me. I’m no longer the “little girl” that needs your attention. It’s even disturbing that that was your nickname for me.
Boils down to hurt
So there it is, in a nutshell. That’s certainly not all of it but I’m tired of writing — for now. I could probably publish a book if I wanted to. Perhaps I should. I’m sure it would help somebody. I know I’m not the only person you’ve hurt. I guess that’s what it boils down to for me — hurt. I trusted you, I defended you, I covered up for you, and I was in love with you. I saw the good in you. My heart was genuine, you took it for granted.
It is what it is; I have no regrets. For all things there is a reason. I turned my pain into power and that’s good enough for me. I am stronger and wiser now. I went to therapy, I helped myself and I am happy and healthy because of it. I made the effort, which made a difference in my life for me and everybody around me. It feels good when grown men and women tell me that they admire my courage and how proud they are of the changes I’ve made in my life. To me, that is success. I realized there was more to life than you. There’s Me, my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my wishes.