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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do I drop the restraining order again?

Editor’s Note. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Ursula.” Nine times, Ursula has filed a restraining order against her husband. Eight times she dropped it. She is due in court within a couple of weeks on the ninth order. He is pressing her to drop it, and she is wavering.

It has been 8 long years, 9 restraining orders and a child and marriage together. From the first date he brought 2 roses, one because I was beautiful, the second in I was worth it at the end of the date, go figure. Then he let me into the passenger’s side of the car and he came into through the drivier’s side and said I failed because I didn’t reach over and unlock his door before he got in.

Well, from there it became deep and full of drama, blamed, shamed, thrown out of cars pregnant, pitting wars between his family and I, lying about me to everyone so I would look bad and not him, lied about the abuse, told me to “shut the fuck up” on a daily basis, diabolical whore, devil woman, slut, stupid bitch, etc. Made me cry and then beg him to forgive me, for what I have no idea, I never knew how to love him right or be a good wife, mother, etc.

Nine Final Restraining orders that I dropped, except for this last one. He is telling me to do the right thing and vindicate him and clear his name because he is not an abuser, and I need to lie and say I committed perjury! Do the right thing, he says, and then HE will consider coming back to me after I build the bridge! Says he never abused me, I am psycho, crazy, turned his whole family against me and my own.

I feel totally alone and he has left us in financial ruin, and has no remorse, it’s all about him and his needs. He took everything I had, where do I go from here when I am so depressed and brainwashed?? DO i drop it again?? Or do I stay alone devastated and totally mind-screwed.



45 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do I drop the restraining order again?"

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  1. Delta1 says:

    Hi Dani S

    I know, I know, I know. This kind of ‘blindsiding’ thing is soooooooo horrible. I relate totally to the scenario where you’re going about your business peacefully and then – BOOM! you end up wandering onto a the emotional equivalent of a ‘landmine’ that you weren’t expecting, but for which the ground had been carefully laid much before you’re even aware there’s problem. Even worse the bomber is the person who’s already caused so much unendurable and gratuitous pain and who you’re trying so hard to ‘get over’. It’s so TOTALLY unfair. I mean TOTALLY!!

    I’m not sure what to advise you except to take a deep breath and resist the temptation to rush into explaining anything to anyone before you’ve had a proper chance to think it though and process properly.

    I know that there’s a specific event coming up that this is going to affect – but I would say………….there may be ways round this if you take some time and don’t panic.

    I do empathise because I had to miss out (in the beginning) on sooooo many events (a long-time friend’s wedding, god-daughter’s christening etc etc) because my exN would not stop turning up to everything with his new ‘target’ in tow for absolutely ages.

    Everyone in ‘our former circle’ was trotting out the whole ‘we can’t take sides line’ and it drove me crazy because no-one other than 3 close friends /family members could take a stand and say that he was abusive and that he should STAY AWAY FROM ME.

    I remember so bitterly that it was enough for exN to have some vague connection to the person having the event or gathering for him to ‘turn up’ at any social of any description – knowing that this would ‘ruin it’ for me. I know this was deliberate cruelty s on his part and from a desire to ‘try and regain control’ over me.

    I’ll say this though- the 3 people who saw through him are GOLD and the experience immensely strengthened & deepened my friendship with these 3 lovely people. Do you know what – it may have been worth losing ‘less enlightened souls’ who just didn’t get it!

    The other thing that happened from this really hurtful time was that I was forced to ‘get a new life’. I formed a band – am now doing really well with it and many of those people who were initially unable to see what was ‘going on’ with nasty exN are inviting me to parties and blah, blah, blah. But I’ve truly moved on and so ‘I don’t even care what they think anymore! I’ve evolved greatly and am not impressed by these ‘fairweather’ types in the slightest.

    Really good strategy to come to LF for help from some of the only people who really understand the way S’s P’s and and N’s operate!!! GOOD ON YOU!

    The only thing I can think of is that if you’ve been getting on well with ‘auntie’ you can hang onto the fact that if you ‘keep your cool’ and say well ‘it’s tricky because I don’t want to speak ill of anyone – make your own mind up, she may decide to ‘rebel’ against her sister (mother of 17 yr old if I’ve got it right?). All may not be lost, she may have reasons to think well of you and not be ‘blinded’. On the other hand ‘auntie’ is in a very difficult position and I think that you should acknowledge that for her. Maybe organise another event yourself later – don’t ‘fight over’ this particular get together – think of winning the war and not just the one battle!!!

    In his book the Betrayal Bond which I’ve just finished reading Patrick Carnes mentions some stuff which may be relevant about how making the whole range of changes in our lives needed to get away from the S N or P in our life can be excruciatingly painful – if you’ve not read this – check it out maybe.

    In my own experience it’s taken over 2 years to ‘cull’ everyone from my life who had a connection with exN and fine new people to be with that were ‘not tainted by any association whatsoever’ with my exN. This was one of the the MOST painful and unfair parts of the whole sorry mess for me. In the end, I partly understood that this was a symptom of having neglected my own life/friends in favour of exN in the first place. I was so focused on the relationship I didn’t have as solid a network as after the relationship ended as I would have liked.

    I have no idea if something similar happened for you of course, so forgive me if this is ‘off track’.

    I guess I hope you are able to spend some time with people who do unequivocally love and care about you asap as this to remind yourself that there’s more than enough friends, relations and just general ‘humans beings’ in this world to ‘go around’.

    I know from my own shattered life that sometimes it takes a bit of hard work to find people who are ‘there for us’ at a time when we may feel too depleted to really give energy to creating the new happy life that we really deserve. Everything in good time………. ‘ I guess how you’ll feel will depend on where you are in your healing journey right now.

    I suppose that if ‘auntie’ doesn’t come through and ‘see the light’ and be a good friend – the only thing I’d hang onto is the thought that ………….”nature abhors a vacuum”. Who know what lovely person may ‘pop up’ in your life – just because there happen’s to be a vacancy there………….. just a thought. :}

    Anyway I hope it helps to know other people who’ve been there are wishing you well and are struggling with the same issues. We all go taken in by the N S or P in our life, but we’re learning better and we’re on your side hun!

    Blessings

    Delta1



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  2. breckgirl says:

    Hi all – I read the articles here regularly until about the last two months or so – been so busy with “normal life” – but still get the e-mailed links and check in.

    URSULA your thread has made me stop and reflect and has moved me to write to you…

    Please dear lady – go NO CONTACT. Learn what it means and do it – or you will spend may more years miserable.

    I promise you – if you do the work of recovering yourself and your life – you can be happy again, and lighthearted – maybe not as lighthearted as before your nutjob latched on to you but I promise – a better life waits for you away from him. No financial, emotional or any other entanglement can benefit you enough to put up with him.

    I know it is possible even when living with the devil a mere 8 minute walk from my own front door.

    I am now going on my 6th year of nonsense.

    My ex-N/S path is fully insane now – and he lives 4 blocks from me and believes alternately that he is God, or Jesus or a King and is constantly seeking his papers – his royalty papers or his resurrection papers.

    When I met him, when I was assessed by his calculating self centered mind and then wooed until I was in a state mentally the experts call Stockholm Syndrome he was not that far gone. It was his self indulgence in drugs, something I was blind to, that sent him over the edge and when I tried to escape him after 2.5 years he promised me we would never be apart – the we would always be together. He believes we are fated. (I want to vomit as I write this).

    I have put him in jail multiple times, at least 15 in the last two & a half years time – plus multiple stays at the psych ward. The judge has declared he is the kind that will kill his girlfriend (me) and yet bonded him out repeatedly. His psychiatrist (his attorney sent him to a top guy) sent me a Tarasoff warning. Google it and weep. His old friends have had him sent to the psych ward – always within two weeks he is out. I cannot understand how “The Front Porch Talker” was committed and this man we cannot seem to keep behind bars – unreal how the system fails us.

    The last time he went to jail (June 09) for his “big” sentence on 5 counts – he went for 16 months only due to timing etc it ended up being 5 months. He got out last November 16 – visited me twice which I could not prove – I and my babysitter who at the time lived with me but is now gone and who can blame her…heard my very locked down gates being rattled. Then two months later (January 10) he had someone call me – while he listened in and I had to play dumb and neutral – I knew if I showed emotion positive or negative he would think he still could manipulate me, say I knew nothing of him currently and maybe they should call his brother (whom he hates – a way of saying – go away that I knew would buy me some quiet)… He gives out my mobile phone number to people in jail – and I receive calls. It is horrifying. My number has been a business line for over 12 years – I cannot change it as there is no way to reach all my clients and let them know.

    Finally having exhausted every other person in his world who kept telling him to call me would mean a return to jail – he could not contain himself any longer and he openly called my home one night a month ago – my two young children here with a sitter who knew what to do. She got off the phone and called me about this strange man calling. I had her alarm the house and before I called the cops he called me on my mobile… He knew he was not supposed to call me but could not stop himself because of course the rules do not apply to him… I left a work meeting and drove the 45 minutes home in 25 minutes time. Kids asleep cops once again at my house I swore out a citizens arrest and off to jail he went. Let out on bond, then back to get a plea deal – given 4 months time for the two calls that night… They let him out to “wrap up his affairs” before he goes in on July 31. He has NO AFFAIRS to wrap up. Does not work, does not pay his bills, nothing… And so as his anxiety about going to jail mounts and I sit here four blocks away – financially powerless to move and a myriad of other reasons… I wait for the explosions that will undoubtedly occur before his next incarceration.

    ALL OF THAT and I can tell you truthfully – I laugh now more than I did for many years – I am contented now more than I was – I hate that I have this shadow in my life but I have let go of fighting it and I accept it. It is something I deal with when I have to and then – I am usually within hours of an occurrence – a reminder – I am able to move on and focus back on MY LIFE. My children, my home, my friends, my work, my sanity.

    Truly – I feel to some degree sad for people like him – he is terminally ill – there is no cure. But like any illness that could by contact harm me or my children, I avoid it like the plague.

    I suggest you do the same.

    If you are in a position to move then do so. If you can attend domestic violence counseling, I suggest group actually so you can see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE – then do it.
    Keep reading here.
    Go look up Stockhold Syndrome.
    Read the book “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft – read it – you will begin to understand how little his behavior has to do with you and how little chance there is of change.

    The simplest and yet best book I read that helped me learn what normal is since I was so far removed from any understanding of it after he brainwashed me beyond recognition, is “What Smart Women Know” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol – it in a simple and sweet way shares basic advice and things that any women who wants to be treated well knows. I was not born with or taught these simple basics but I want my girls to have them ingrained in their bones so when a N/S/P crosses their paths in life – which I know is unavoidable – they know what to do. GET AS FAR AWAY PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY as possible. Stay as unentangled as possible.

    Good luck to you. Sorry for the long response. Your post obviously has triggered in me a reflection on my own journey.

    When I filed my first retraining order in December of 07 they told me it generally takes women 7 episodes of violence before they will keep and maintain it – I maintained my order – I never dropped it but I will admit I did for a time allow him to violate it. I finally got a 3 year order in the civil courts and the criminal courts which generally give a one year order just gave me a new 3 year order as well.

    DO NOT DROP THE ORDER. Your life has so much more value for you and those that love you and that you love, separated from him.



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  3. ErinBrock says:

    Breckgirl:
    I agree and second your ’emotions’!!!!

    It is a long road…..and one we must not ignore, yet not allow to overtake us either!

    Good going on your follow through….I, like you, believe this is our only way to proceed!!!

    Great post! Thanks!



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  4. Dani S says:

    Delta1
    Thank you for your lovely message. I am up again after only sleeping 3 hours tonight….. You are so right about taking my time with dealing with this situation. I get thrown back into the old defensive survival mode where I feel I have to justify every move I make, but in the end people will believe what they believe for what ever reason and your words have picked me up and given me strength.

    I too did the big cull after the relationship ended and the ones that stood by me and never questioned me I love. I have moved on a million miles from the dark days. I am surrounded by beautiful people and have been in a new relationship for couple of months now.

    I guess I wouldn’t have been so effected if it was just anyone that believes the crap that dribbles out of his mouth but being someone in the relationship jig saw to my daughter really hurts.
    I am so happy, my daughter who is only nearly 3 has a great relationship with one of her half sisters and her mother has been of great comfort to me and for that I am grateful.

    When I finally left ex h s after my last beating the lies he told about me were soul destroying. He said things to everyone that would listen that ” he cant see our child because he believes that the child is not his and cant bond with it because of that.” That I stole from our business thousands of dollars also that I stole all his clients away and gave them to a competitor that is why the business went bad and he couldn’t pay his debts.
    True friends and family saw that after leaving I didn’t even own a car any more was in thousands of $$ debts and had to live with my parents with 3 kids for a year before I got back on track, it was obvious that I had not stolen 1 cent.

    It is funny everything he accused me of were things that he was capable of doing and was doing, not me!
    I hate that through his evilness he can still control and manipulate and god know’s what other things lie in front of me that I have no idea about.

    Because of your post I am not going to get upset, auntie said she will drop 17 year old in for visit, but we cant go to her house as she has a 6 year daughter and she may dob on her! God how crazy is this?lol
    I pulled back from the 17 year old in the beginning as she was ringing me every day crying, and her grades were suffering, I had a break down and was said to be suffering Post Traumatic Stress so I didn’t think I was doing her any favours at the time when I was such a mess. In hindsight if I stayed close to her things may have transpired differently but who know’s. Spath’s just make a complete mess of everything don’t they.
    Yes and as mine tries to parade around with the new victim on arm that he is greatest! grrrrrrrr

    What amazes me is how convincing they are. The 17 year old mother’s was a victim of his lies, cheating,stealing, conning, violence but yet she gives him credibility, I would have thought she of as all people would understand where I have come from and what I have been through but she was really angry, so what ever she has been told must be good! Auntie said she will try to find out what it is that have turned that side of the family against me! And as I said to the Auntie her sister is feeling really betrayed at the moment finding out we have re connected. I don’t want to be caught up in any drama’s and at the end of the day I feel for the 17 year old. She has been through so much her self and I dont want to cause her anymore pain as much as I dont want it or need it also.

    Ex abandoned all his daughters, somehow I am sure that that was my fault in his eyes. Truth is his older 2 girls are getting older and he cant lie and con future victims with them in the background knowing the truth and he assaulted the 17 year old xmas before last by throwing her into a wall, that was the last time her saw her. And her mother still protects him, weird!
    She must still be brainwashed by him even thou they now have no relationship any more, or maybe she blames me for that?

    Thanks so much for the post you really have made me feel better, lucky we have LF! lol
    You go girl with the Band that is fantastic. We all need an outlet and music is a wonderful way to get out what is inside us! My new partner is Muso as well! Anyhoo I am going to try to get some more sleep as it is now 5.54 here in Oz and it is going to be a long day lol 🙂 🙂 🙂



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  5. shabbychic says:

    breckgirl, glad to hear you have been busy living your life,
    even though it’s with -as you called it- a shadow.
    I have missed you,
    thank you for the great post!!! Good advice.



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  6. Dani S says:

    Delta sorry for the enormous purge!!!! Had a great day catching up with the 17 years old and all her siblings and step siblings. She dropped in for about 2 hours and for the first time ever we sat down and talked as adults about everything! She know’s me and know’s the truth and that is all that matters! She will be 18 soon, so hopefully we can have a normal relationship before too long. The kids miss her so much and I am extremely proud of the girl she is today! 🙂



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  7. ErinBrock says:

    Dani….Good for you. Heartwarming I know!!!

    I believe kids will always see what they need to see in their own time. And the more they are ‘pushed’ away from someone, the more they ‘see’ why.

    XXOO
    EB



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  8. Delta1 says:

    Oh yay Dani S. Thanks for your message as it’s really good to know that I was able to help a little.

    I’m very glad indeed that things have worked out so far with 17 yr old and auntie.

    Really once we go ‘No Contact’ the healing begins, your life is going to get better and better if you keep your antenna up and ‘doing what your doing’.

    I think you deserve a treat after all this drama – a lovely long bath soak (with bubbles) or something pampering to reward yourself for getting through this little ‘crisis’ so well this time.

    Blessings

    Delta1



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  9. Dani S says:

    EB you are so right!!!! kids do eventually get it! I was so disappointed the day I woke up and realised my own parents were not perfect lol, Hope everything is going well for you at the moment and you have some peace from the madness for the time being. I love your strength and conviction, your children have a lot to admire in their mum or should I say mom! The more crap the ex gives you, the stronger he is making you, be proud!

    Delta Thank you again! I did treat myself to nearly a whole pizza, god I hate for being an emotional eater LOL! but what a day of such mixed emotions….. Now I am searching for the lolly jar! Maybe you are right a soak in the bath with bubbles and some bubbles in a glass is the go!

    The 17 year old told me she has taken up Martial Arts for the past 18 months for the sole reason if she ever runs into her father again she wants to kick his arse for the past 17 years of hurt, betrayal and abuse. She says to her own mother that she no longer has a father! I love her strength and like EB look out she is turning herself into a machine not to be messed with and I am so glad unlike her mother she can see her father for the evil spath he is and has every intention of wiping him for the rest of her life. She also told me when we were married her mother gave him the her key card as he needed money for something and he cleaned the whole account out $4,000, the money she was saving for her first car. I had no idea, I am sure I only ever knew what that man was up to about 10% of the time! I hope Karma comes in the form of a very big angry Elephant and squishes him like a helpless ant and then poo’s on him!!
    🙂 🙂 🙂



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