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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This was all about him and all about what he needed

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.”

Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil …

 

He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.

My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.

As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.

Misogynist

It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.

Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.

I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.

Wants me back

I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.

I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.

It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.

Never going to work

Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.

I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.

Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!

They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.



434 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This was all about him and all about what he needed"

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  1. brighteyes says:

    Yes I am dependent, even though I want to fight it. I was ready to challenge him to leave everything and for us to live together but now after all the comments I have a sinking dread that I might get what I want. That he will agree and when we live together with my children as a family unit that will destroy everything.
    The magic we had during our affair has lessened I have only realised now. I am striking out with petty hurts and anger
    But I will have to take the chance knowing now that either way I loose.



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  2. LookingForTruth says:

    Wow, just came across this article, and it eerily sounds so much like my current PDH. Except the part about destroying my self-esteem and confidence – my PDH did manage to accomplish that for a time. I am still working on rebuilding those lost and buried parts of myself, little by little. It is hard to do when you still live under the same roof with them, and therefore still subjected to all their negative behaviors and all their daily lies. He is only still here b/c I haven’t found a job yet, but it is only a matter of time before I do.

    Well, the other part that doesn’t entirely fit is the sex part. PDH is turned off if I initiate things, b/c he is the one who likes to be in control of all things between us. If I initiate things, it makes him feel a loss of control. He has to be the dominant one in all things. He also likes to spend time making sure I am “satisfied” before we do the actual deed. This is but one way he feeds his ego, and but one way he maintains control of me (not any more, b/c I’ve stopped having sex with him). I used to think it was b/c he cared about me and my needs. Wrong. It is only about his needs in the end.

    While he’s “pleasing” me, I am nothing more than a sexual object to him. This is obvious when the whole time, he isn’t looking at me, but only at my body parts. There is no emotional connection taking place for him. He isn’t doing anything out of love for me – he only does what he does to pump up his otherwise frail male ego. What appears to be confidence is nothing more than arrogance in disguise.

    Arrogant people do not have good self-esteem. They only pretend to have it. Arrogant people cannot sustain themselves from within, like healthy people can. They have to resort to using others to build themselves up.

    While we’re doing the actual deed, there is no emotional connection taking place then, either. He is a sexual robot only going through the motions. And that part is over in a matter of seconds, typically-speaking. I’ve since learned that emotionally mature men, unlike my PDH, can delay their own gratification in this way.

    My PDH is an empty, emotionless man, who only pretends to experience emotions at times. Any emotions I perceive are nothing more than mirroring that he’s learned from me.

    With each passing day, I realize more and more how very sick and twisted he really is. I only pray that when he hits rock bottom, that I am not around to see it. And that when he does, he isn’t able to take me down with him. I fear that I will somehow be implicated in the ways he has broken the law, even though I had nothing to do with any of it. I cannot support my son and myself yet, which is why I have not blown the whistle on PDH yet (I still need his paycheck). Besides, there is a danger involved in exposing him. I don’t know if or how he might retaliate. In the interim, I don’t know what to do with the information, other than to keep it to myself. My family does not know what he does, though some of my friends do, as well as my therapist. There are others in the mental health community who also know. No one seems to have any suggestions about how to handle the situation. In fact, none of them seems to take any of it seriously, other than my friends. There has been no validation for what I have been through from anyone in the mental health community, only from my friends.

    I alluded in a very general way to my sister a few months ago that PDH leads a double life and routinely breaks the law, without telling her how. I got the sense that she did not even believe me, let alone take anything I said seriously. PDH lets his guard down occasionally and lets others see behind his mask of sanity, but not frequently enough or bad enough for them to think badly of him. All they really see is all the great stuff he does and what a “great guy” he is. They do not realize how much of a chameleon he really is. It is easier for them to slip into their own brand of denial. But I understand that, b/c it’s what I used to do too.

    Once I began to rebuild my own identity again, that is when I began to stop the denial of who he really is and what he’s really all about.

    One final note about this great article. PDH’s favorite response, when confronted with one of his lies by me, while he’s either got that deer in the headlights look on his face, or his eyes are darting rapidly back and forth, is “I have no idea what you’re talking about”…

    And I wanted to comment about what Skylar wrote – “My spath said, “before I destroy someone, I like to make them really really happy, so that the fall will be further.”

    Now, my PDH has never actually said this to me, but it is obvious to me this is how he thinks, all by the patterns I have noticed and his M.O. He tries the hardest to knock me down, if I am doing too well and if I am too happy. I’ve learned not to allow him to make me happy, b/c yes, if he does, that is when I fall the furthest, after he’s managed to knock me back down again. I’ve learned to define my own happiness, as well as how to create that for myself, b/c in so doing, I feel empowered. And when I feel empowered, he can’t touch me, try as hard as he might.

    I’ve learned that when another really loves us, they embrace our happiness, not try to destroy it.

    Miserable people are not capable of real love. They don’t even like themselves, much less love themselves. Oh, they pretend to, in their arrogant, narcissistic moments. But it isn’t genuine; it isn’t driven by good self-esteem and confidence. How could it be genuine for someone who goes around doing so many bad things to others, most of all to their spouse?



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