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Problems with another boy adopted from Russia

On April 5, 2010, a 14-year-old boy from Hastings, Minnesota, carried a gun to school, waved it around in classrooms, and pointed it at several staff members, saying the words, “bang, bang.” Luckily, he had the wrong bullets in the gun, and it never fired.

Read: Charges filed in Hastings Middle School gun incident at KARE11.com.

It turns out that the boy had been adopted from Russia. As soon as his adoptive parents brought him home, they knew the child had problems. They tried for years to help him, but were unable to. Finally they gave up their parental rights and turned him over to foster care, warning officials—in writing—that he could be violent.

Read: Mom, dad warned Dakota County: Boy is a danger, at StarTribune.com.

Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.



51 Comments on "Problems with another boy adopted from Russia"

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  1. bulletproof says:

    strannik

    I really hear you when you say:

    And of course I would NEVER adopt a kid unless I knew the parents personally.

    You are very wise to have this attitude, when you adopt a child you also adopt all the psychic attachments, biological genetic components and you may as well adopt the parents because they are in the genetic make up of the child and that NEVER GOES AWAY …

    one of the fantastic characteristics of my sons adoptive parents was the total acceptance of me as his original mother, and the delight they felt at the prospect I could make a positive difference to his life (which was chaotic) He did settle as if calmed by the presence of his mother,he said no one could calm him like I could, in that specific way that stopped him from a criminal career. I think meeting me was turmoil for him, but it interrupted a bad path, and I swear, I think he felt the love he was craving and settled into the most beautiful human being you could meet.

    I love his adoptive parents as people, (more than my own parents!!) they are more loving and open and real. …but unless all come to gether there is piningand longing and I say RE-UNITE if you can because it’s the greatest feeling in the world to connect with not only your baby again but with the beautiful people you entrusted them with….full circle. awesome. not without heart ache.



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  2. bulletproof says:

    EB

    Thanks, and I am hearing your situation, wow, it’s just so sad. you say:

    It is my fantasy to find my BM, and have a wonderful reunion and be accepted into and be able to experience a ‘family’ type environment…..holidays etc….(she had 6 siblings)
    BUT….I KNOW THIS MAY NOT BE THE CASE…..with my liuck….her family is just as screwed up as my own!
    And by that contrast……I don’t need to disturb things that don’t need disturbing!!!

    yes you know of course her family will be screwd up, otherwise she would possibly have NEVER GIVEN YOU UP, and probably thinks of you and loves you just because you were inside her for 9 months and so much happens in that time.

    I was sent to a “convent” where they asked me to change my name, I refused…my parents “sent me there” because of the shame. I pretended to everyone I was on a holiday. Yes I KNow….sick…I promise I would never do it now…it was the most traumatic event of my life, and there was nothing more I wanted to do but keep my gorgeous baby boy….but a week later I was without him.#

    Words cannot express the blackness I went into…..and my baby son parallelled my distress by contracting a life threatening illness that was treated just in time…I only found out when I met him 16 years later that he could have died…would they have told me????



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  3. Twice Betrayed says:

    I think most of you know my story on how genetics won out regarding my kids, so I won’t labor the point. I know years ago, when younger and full of many fluffy thoughts, and world altering stamina, I believed differently. I bought a home and raised my two older children in the same neighborhood from the ages of 1 and 3 through three and two years of college. I was a stay at home mom, thanks to my generous father’s estate holdings, so my home was the main local gathering place, especially for latch key kids and ones left alone. I fed/watered/made kool aid, wiped noses picked up to/from school [some were left all night many times] and half raised, at one time or another, most of the kids in that neighborhood. Now, I don’t say this to toot my horn, but to make the point of knowing these kids well. Years passed and my daughter went to her 10 year reunion and asked me to come along, since she thought I would enjoy seeing many of the kids, which I did. However…..and you know where this is leading….MOST of them had turned out like one of their parents in particular. It was overwhelming! The seriously neglected kids born to the alcoholics across the street had indeed given the world several more. And on and on it goes.

    In my X husband’s family there were 3 males and 1 female. The father was a full fledged P, mother a really nice, kind lady. Guess how many demonstrate serious mental issues? Yes, every one.



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  4. roodyzoo says:

    Speaking as an adoptee, and also an adoptive mom (one of whom is a SPATH), I will say, why adopt? Because adoption is LOVE my friends. It is a HUGE risk, but without risk there is no reward. There are over 143,000,000 orphans in the world who will go to bed, with no one to call mom and dad. Are all of them SPATHS? nope…but the usual percentage of the population who are SPATHS are certainly represented in their numbers, biologically that is, there are also a large number of older children who have been through incredible trauma, and may exhibit SPATH charactoristics, in different ways, and phases in their lives, but will not ultimately bear out a sociopathic diagnosis into adulthood. I have 11 children by adoption. 1 of whom, I believe is a true SPATH. He is 16 years old now, and sadly housed in adult jail. I had to make the impossible decision 2 years ago to terminate my parental rights to him, despite having a complete mothers love for him. He was in a residential treatment center in another state at the time, and of course the ultimate goal is always to return home. I could tell he was not “getting better” as SPATHS classically do not, (bear in mind he had had 3 different full psych evals diagnosing conduct disorder, and only because he was not 18, did he not get an anti-social personality disorder diagnosis) I had younger children at home, and since he had already attempted to perpetrate on one of the daughters, there was NO WAY, I could safely bring him home. He ended up going to a brother in law and sister in law, who were sure it was my poor parenting that was causing his “issues”. He lasted 8 months there, until he was in detention once again, and they refused to take him back. Following his next foster placement, he ran away, committed 8 felonies, and then was remanded to adult court, and now sits in solitary confinement (for his own safety) and will be there until at least October, while all of his charges are addressed, and he has trials. I still visit him each week, and am his biggest cheerleader. I love him to bits, but know that he can never live with me again. I cry each time on the way home from seeing him. I am not going to give a laundry list of what he was like at home, but I’m sure over time, bits and pieces will come out. Do I regret adopting him? Not for a second. I do not see the goal of my life being a comfortable existence. I want to do good things, maybe I will die trying. I also know though, that I can never, ever knowingly risk someone elses safety, who is vulnerable. I was GREATLY judged when I terminated my parental rights. I was seen to be a horrible failure. Thankfully though, I had so much documentation of help I had tried to access for him., years of therapy, medical intervention,respite, ect. ect. and ultimately it was the reports of the psychologists who said that the safety of others in house would be at high risk, were he to return home. Otherwise, I would have faced CPS charges of abandonment and been placed on Central Registry. I am thankful that his caseworker allows me to visit with him and remain a part of his life. My other adopted children do not face challenges any where near the magnitude of this son’s stuggles. They are more they “typical” kids…if we let every “horror” story of those like the gun wielding, fire setting, abusiive adoptive children color every adoption story, our world would be a very sad place indeed. I actually work as a social worker in adoption recruitment. I can do so, in light of, and in spite of, my own personal story with this particular son. I do so for the children who wait, who DESERVE a family to love them, and to have someone think they are the best thing since sliced bread. They do not deserve to be judged based upon anothers actions, yet so many more, now, because of this story, and ones like it, will wait.



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  5. OxDrover says:

    Dear Roodyzoo,

    Thank you so much for your post. Adopting 11 children does show where your compassionate heart is.

    I am glad that you recognize what your son is though, and that he will never change. Having a biological psychopath who is in prison for murder, I can relate to many of your challenges. Mine didn’t so a lot of symptoms til puberty and then morphed into a monster, by 20 he was is prison for the second time and that time for murder. I too tried to visit and continue to interact with him. Eventually, he tried to have me murdered.

    I am at least glad that the authorities listened to you when you gave up your parental rights. There is a blogger on here nnow whose natural son is 17 and she has been unable to get much more than a diagnosis on him, but can get no HELP and the courts, schools, etc. are simply “the valley of locked doors” for her. She has had to come to her own conclusion and get by the best she cann in FEAR of this son.

    I realize what you say about there being millions of children who need parents and not all are psychopaths. I’m glad you were able to save 10 of them, even having the one psychopath in the group. I am also glad that you were able to get him outside of your house so he could not harm the others, but I am sure the other children also paid a price for having this “brother” in their home as well.

    I eventually distanced myself from my son after trying to excuse him and fall for his cries of “I’m sorry” when I realized finally, that he is not sorry and he is dangerous. Even then, he still sends his exconvict friends to attempt to kill me, and the rest of his family for inheritence.

    I’ve taken care of foster kids, and adopted one who is a wonderful young man, as well as my two biological sons, but the psychopaths can’t be saved. I gave up my “parental FEELINGS” because he never had any love for me or the rest of the family, only manipulation.

    I’m glad you are here though, it is a good place with people who do empathize and understand. We don’t all agree but it is good to have someone who has dealt with this type of thing. God bless and Welcome.



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  6. Jewels says:

    Hi all,

    Just catching up – Tuesday’s the day I spend combing through LF…

    Conomo,

    May I suggest “Rational Recovery” by Jack Trimpey – it’s an easy to read – easy to understand book, and IMO, far more helpful than 12-step pity parties.

    It costs about 12.00 – less if bought used paperback through Amazon – and it saves you from suffering thru the drunkalogues and poor-me’s of the 12 steppers.

    Sound common sense advice that I have used with OTHER issues than overindulging. I rarely drink any more, but HAVE HAD anger issues (NOT acted upon) in the past, and the tools in RR can help you in a wide variety of situations and aspects of your life “right now” – it’s not a “I’m a recovering *whatever* – it’s more “I had a problem for a time, and I’m over it” type approach.

    Hope the suggestion helps. I’d recommend it for “getting over the ASPaths too – the principles can be adapted if a person has 100% will and half a brain! *winks*

    ~J~



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