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Forgiveness, sociopathy and choice

Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.

Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.

Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.

My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”

This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.

The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.

Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.

Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?

Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.

Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.

Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.

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655 Comments on "Forgiveness, sociopathy and choice"

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  1. behind_blue_eyes says:

    Ana;

    Thanks. I need to focus on what I have and not what I don’t have…

  2. tobehappy says:

    Gemini….

    Wow, that must be so hard. I know how you feel. I have relatives who are disgusting too, at young ages…on FB…
    tongues out…sexual this and that…foul language.

    I am so sick of people I’ve allowed into my life also…that use me and suck me dry and then move on.

    I have cut so many people out…and its peaceful. At first, when the phone didn’t ring a zillion times a day…it was weird.

    Now, I feel great. I have my space to think, relax and get things done for ME. I don’t miss them and their drama, AT ALL.

    I spend time with my girls..my few good friends…and doing thing “I” enjoy. They are SO draining.

    I cut out my xbf, who was only in my life as a “friend” and my sister…all in one month. They both used to call me ALL day long…It was all about THEM. When I stopped giving and working around THEIR scheduals,…and stopped listening to THEIR drama…they couldn’t handle it. I was getting nothing out of these relationships. WHen I needed something…they weren’t there for me.

    Its disheartening that your own family and people you cared about let you down…but it is what it is. I chose not to accept it. If someone isn’t like me…a giver…a caring person…unselfish…i don’t want them in my life.

    Make room now for better people.

    I cut them out a few years ago totally…and I felt better. No more disappointments…no more “HUH?” feelings when they let me down….just total peace now.

    There are SOME good people out there…and those are the only ones I am letting in.

  3. behind_blue_eyes says:

    tobehappy;

    Great advice but don’t make the mistake I made. I cut some bad people out and let others that were not necessarily bad people but nevertheless bad for me slip away.

    Then some of the good people moved away or got married. I am now pretty much alone. I know a year from now things will be better, but getting there hurts.

  4. tobehappy says:

    I think that if someone is bad for you, you need to let them go, no?

  5. behind_blue_eyes says:

    tobehappy;

    By bad for me for example I mean those with a lifestyle that is unhealthy. For example, I try to avoid those who are heavy drinkers even if they are not abusive.

    If I followed that simple rule, I would have stayed away from the x-spath…

  6. geminigirl says:

    To be happy,
    thanks for your comments and support. Yes, it IS hard, but you know what? It gets easier the longer I am apart from these miserable excuses for human beings.! I no longer blame myself for giving birth to them, I no longer think,
    “Maybe they are right, Im the problem!’{They gaslighted me for YEARS telling me this!}
    I no longer feel any love for them, or feel obligated in the slightest to bale the older one out from her usual financial crises.
    Im out of the wood, and can now see the trees! I can now look dispassionately at them from a distance and think,
    “What sad sorry sick dysfunctional sociopaths!”
    I no longer make excuses for them, no they did NOT have a sad unhappy childhood. They had a very good, happy childhood.I worked 2 jobs for years so they could go to ballet, horse riding, jazz ballet classes, skiiing holidays, trips with the school, on and on.Their Dad was sober for most of their childhood, and he was a good Dad to them. He was president of the P&C at their school for years, so he could keep an eye on his girls. He learned to swim, even tho he had a withered right leg from Polio at the age of 15, so he could swim with his precious girls.No, not his fault either.Deprived unhappy childhood? Not guilty !
    Time to move on. Ill be like Oxy, and remember the years when they were sweet little kids.
    Love,
    GemXX

  7. tobehappy says:

    Gem….My g/f and I always wonder where are cute little children went! I enjoyed those years so much…when I look at the videos its just unbelievable the love we felt for them.
    But, they do grow into who they are…and sometimes they get influenced by friends they make…etc.
    A girl I worked with raised 3 boys..alone…no help from their father. She is very sweet and loving and now that they are older..they are never there for her. They spend time with their Dad and his new wife and she is abandoned. And she never had problems with them…worked 2 jobs, etc. She is heartbroken…literally. She is slim, a phys.ed. teacher…eats so healthy…and yet, she had a heart attack on the treadmill at the gym! They said it was from the sadness from her boys.

    I won’t let that happen. It’s not my girls…but my sisters and my x’s who were so selfish and hurtful. I try to understand that they are “disordered” emotionally and mentally, and I try not to harbor hurt and anger so that it doesn’t eat at me inside. It is what it is. I’m not giving to anyone anymore that doesn’t care about me from the heart.

    The years you raised your children were happy years that brought you joy. It was a time that was good. I look back and it seems like another life….and it was. It was a good time, lots of loving and happy times.

    Now my girls are teenagers..coming into their own. I did my job and now they can become who they want to be. Soon, they will grow wings and fly and find their own way.

    And I accept that. If they choose to love me or hate me…its up to them. I did my best. I’m sure you did too.

    I stay away from drinkers..cheaters…disordered people. They can’t be fixed and they will always hurt you. I tried to have a relationship with my sister, but she always lets me down and hurts me. She does this to her friends too. I will never let her back into my world. Her loss. She “loves” my girls…yet she didn’t care if we were all crushed by a fallen house during the storm. Thats not “love” and if I ever see her I will tell her just that. I got her number…one last time.

    I want NO ONE in my life who wouldn’t be there for me in a time of crisis. And, even though my circle is small…I know that the few people that love and care about me, are there for me. The rest is history.

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