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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we’ll call “Trista.”

I met the man who has been my husband for 30 years in a language school. He was serious, but could be funny, a bit shy, but also had a way with words. He had beautiful eyes and lots of girls were in love with him. I was no exception, but it was me he chose to go out with.

The relationship soon took off and we were a pair. Those first days were good; I had no idea I was dealing with a sociopath. When I took him to meet my mother, however, when things were very serious between us, she said that she thought he needed some “help.” I dismissed it.

I did realize how quickly he took offense for the least of things, and how quick he was to respond with offensive words to other people. Soon after we married I started to see more and more of his temper, that other people called a “short fuse,” but it was still directed to others, not to me. My time would come.

Controlling the money

My S was very controlling with money, getting angry even if I bought him a present that he thought cost more than I could spend. He continued to control me through money for all those 30 years, never allowing me to go to the supermarket on my own, not giving me money to any expense, and having screaming fits if I did anything like taking the initiative of paying for a small cheap portrait of our infant daughter. My friends and family thought him “odd,” and because I was so afraid that some people would do or say the wrong thing near him and trigger a terrible scene, I started avoiding most of my friends. We lived on our own with our two small kids, and provided that I would not ask for money or invite people who could get him in a mood, life was sort of ok.

Church was another problem. As a Christian, I was used to church life and he was brought up in a Christian environment as well. However, we could not be in any church together. Something would happen, something the preacher said or that other people said would trigger his horrendous fits of rage. I used to be terrified in church, paying attention to where the sermon would lead in case it would touch some subject that he would find offensive. I remember real terror while in church, till the last time he stormed out of the building and verbally attacked the pastor at the door. I never went to church with him again, but I also could not go alone, in case he thought I did not think him fit to go to church. This would cause even more problems. In the end I gave up church altogether, but not my Christian faith.

Holidays on his own

In the middle of the 90’s he started going on holidays on his own, to countries in Europe. I was never invited, not thought of, as I stayed behind to look after the house and teenagers. I don’t believe that he had one minute of doubt about the propriety of a married man in his 50’s going to holidays alone every year. I decided not to say anything.

I was still very scared of confronting him about anything; his rages were severe and I was scared because his eyes would change to look like glass when he was angry. He would scream not to touch him, to get away from him and his eyes would go big and glazed. Once when he was driving, somehow something we said got him in one of his tempers and he drove with fury near getting on the pavement, and barely missing a lady and a child. My daughter was in the car with me and we both thought we would die as well. He had no control over himself. A bit later on he started breaking things, like the Christmas tree, ornaments, and also pushed me against a table, I bruised my ribs and had to go to the hospital next day.

He got a job as a teacher in a University. He can somehow give a good interview and charm others, he is intelligent and cultured. Later on, when they see the problems, it is usually too late. His boss has already commented on his “glazed eyes.”

In love with Poland

As part of this job, he got a trip to Poland. When he came back, he was a man completely taken by the Polish life and people, in such a way that I can only describe as sick. My house immediately became full of Polish ornaments, his friends became only Polish people, he became obsessed by them, in the same way he became obsessed in the past by other cultures like the South Americans, the Russians, the Orientals. He had “phases” when he only talked and walked around people of those cultures, now it was the Polish. I knew it well, but could not foresee a new developement: He “fell in love” with a Polish … boy.

I was away for some weeks visiting my family and when I came back there was something different about him. He had bought a mobile phone, was using it every minute, and hiding in the garden to talk. I also got an email he passed to this boy and it was a complete sop, an email a man writes to his girl. I got the phone number of the boy, went to talk to him, who was only 20 (my S is 57) and did not know about the situation; he had a girlfriend! It was in my S ‘s mind; he interpreted friendship for another thing. This boy was his former student.

The S in my life even said after being discovered that he needed the excitement and when I pointed out the absurdity of a 57 married man who is a grandfather chasing a 20 year old boy who is younger than his son or nephews, he simply said “he had no one for him,” meaning, “I did not have to account for my actions to his family, since he has none.” He continued to behave in the most shameless manner, telling our friends that he was in love with a boy and alienating our friends even further, telling his family that both him and my son had Polish people in their lives (because my son had had a Polish girlfriend). He even asked me why I thought that I was God’s will for him and not that boy. I was speechless.

Mask slipped

From them on I argued with him for two years about the impropriety of such things, the absurdity of it, but he denies having done anything. When I talked to the boy I was made aware that he had invited him for a weekend trip and I got it just in time. He tried to blame me for his actions and denies having done me any harm or the children. However, our family is in tatters and I have filed for divorce with the support of my children. I have seen a counselor, who also saw him and he told me to leave him and that he has been cheating on me all my life. This boy was not the first one, but now the mask has slipped. Interesting enough, other people have used that term to refer to him, my friend said she always saw him as having a mask; my brother said that “his plug fell.”

At the moment he is still denying the boy was more than friendship, even after the fact that he took our wedding ring off and told me he was not married to me, didn’t want me, didn’t love me, and cried like a baby for this boy. I have all the evidence; he still denies it and makes me feel I’m somehow to blame. For two years I went nearly crazy because of his faulty logic, his coldness, his shameless deeds. He still denies that he has done wrong.

He has no remorse, no thought of me or the children about it all; he considers himself a good Christian who goes to church every Sunday but never learns anything. He said that when he did it (about the boy) I never entered his mind.

I’m now nearly divorced and have nothing else to do with him. He is still involved with the Polish, and is dressing up as a 20 year old himself, walking with groups of young people. My son is ashamed of him and my daughter says she hardly knows him. He couldn’t care less for me, his wife of 30 years. I was dismissed with a shrug.



269 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug"

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  1. OxDrover says:

    Dear Zen,

    Youu know, if you look at this, it is like you have “signed a contract” to be an INDENTURED SERVANT to this person.

    You signed an “illegal contract” because really slavery/indenture have been outlawed her for a number of decades. He promised you one thing, but delivered another, and because you signed the lease for the place, have it in your name, you are STUCK.

    HOWEVER—maybe not. I’m not sure how much money is involved, and whether or not you are supposedly “in lovej with” and/or sleeping with this clown, but even though the lease is in your name, right now with the RE market being what it is and peopole not being able to afford their mortage payments and or lease payments, and you don’t have a job anyway, WHAT’S HOLDING you back?

    I would contact an attorney and get the hell out of dodge. The attorney may be able to find a way to get you off the hook for the lease. Just as it is Muldoon’s choice about staying with the abusive SOB she is married to for “survival” it is YOUR choice to stay through the lease with this guy or not.

    Is it 1 day or 1 year or 1 decade lease? What are you WILLING TO PAY in the way of COSTS? We can’t DEAL WITH these TOXIC PEOPLE WITHOUT A PRICE TO PAY, it may be in our sanity, our mental or sexual health, our very lives them selves.

    Did you read about Dr. Leedom being one ofj the hundreds of young women that the serial killer photographed when she was 17? She dodged a BULLET by HOW FAR? He had already killed 3 young women at least and shortly after that photo of Liane he took, killed the next one?

    Did I ever think my P-son would try to have me killed, would play ahead by months or years olf a scheme to get a TROJAN HORSE PSYCHOPATH into my home and trust for the purpose of controlling my entire family? Sounds pretty way out doesn’ty it.

    HOW ABOUT THAT “CLARK ROCKEFELLER?” Sounds like a freaking movie plot doesn’t it? A bad one at that!

    I bet those people in California that he probablly killed (he stole their truck and drove it cross country and one of them was found buried in the yard of their house and they “disappeared”) never thought for one minute that some insane German would kill them and bury them in their yard and no one would even miss them for 25 years? DUH!

    There is a COST to even being close to these people and sometimes it is VERY HIGH. I had to make the decision to stay here and guard my “stuff” or get the hell out of my own house and HIDE. I am glad I ran and HID, it cost me about 1/3 of my liquid assets, but guess what—in the meantime, the bad guys went to jail and I’m still ALIVE! Cost vs. Benefit? Think about it. And, yes, I’m paranoid….but doesn’t mean I didn’t dodge a bullet as surely as Liane did.

    As far as what to “tell him?” I would not tell him anything, I’d just talk to the lawyer and see what he./she recommends, maybe a sub let or just evict him and or take off and go somewhere else after your lawyer contacts the lease holder.

    Go to sleep at night in the same house with him? I wouldn’t, but it is your choice….I don’t think you are crazy, I think you are intuitive but what YOU DO with that intuition is up to you. It is YOUR choice. God bless.



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  2. Zen says:

    Oxy,

    I have to laugh re the indentured servant for that is basically what I am. I have no life I never leave the condo I’m here 24/7 except on weekends for a few hours. It’s not horrible constantly but enough of the time to make me very unhappy. My lease ends in June a little over 2 months I guess and I am going back ‘home’ for little over a week soon for tax purposes. The funny thing he IS a lawyer. The monthly here is almost much as my monthly income, expensive.

    The sublease idea is good. Now I have to find a lawyer here that hasn’t worked with him. I can have my son stay here he lives in the area till I can sort things out.

    Again thank you.



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  3. OxDrover says:

    Dear Zen,

    ROTFLMAO you know, “HE IS A LAWYER” ROTFLMAO! That is the thing that makes this “funny” in a kind of backwards way,
    not funny “ha ha” but in a “my isn’t that a sad thing” way!

    Well, at least it isn’t a year or more.

    Well, at least it isn’t a big deal like “forever” and if your son can say stay around on a temp basis to look after things, then it might work out for you to just leave and get out of the way of him.

    It never ceases to amaze me how SMART people get hooked into SUPPORTING these creeps. I mean MATT IS AN ATTORNEY, and his creep was a LOW LIFE EX CONVICT and Matt fell for it and kept the pen hot writing checks for this guy! Henry is a bright guy, but tooooooo freaking kind and provided a “home” (not just a place to stay) and the guy used HIS bed to host his “friends” when Henry was at work!

    The get us hooked into BUYING INTO THE CON, because we think WE will get LOOOOOOVEEEE in return and all we get is a con job! And, an empty bank book!

    I was never “stoooopid” enough to give it out to some male partner, but boy did I shovel it out with both hands to my SON! All the while thinking and telling myself how “NOT” enabling and NOT gullible I was. Yea, RIGHT! Wanna be my SLAVE? Won’t cost you much! And when the lease is up, I’ll let you sign us again if you are a good girl and don’t complain! ahhhhhhh haaaaaaaaa ROTFLMAO



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  4. one_step_at_a_time says:

    Dear Zen and Oxy – i feel like i just watched a little miracle; a mixture kindness, vulnerability, wisdom and humour.

    it’s quite moving to read these last few posts.



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  5. OxDrover says:

    Dear One,

    Nah, not any of those nice things you said, cause according to some “folks” that say they know me,
    I am just a “nasty piece of work” (my X-DIL called me that) and “without compassion” (an ex friend said that)
    and I’m a “fvckin liar” (another x-friend said that right after I called him on cheating me)
    “insane” (said by several people including my egg and sperm donors, and several others)
    “a bitch” (seems to be common knowledge as I lost count of people who said that about me)
    “an abuser” (a “former friend” who tried to con me)
    “impossible to get along with” (said by a former P-boss I had called out for being a 2-faced liar)

    And I could go on, the LIST OF MY QUALITIES IS ENDLESS! LOL

    What can you really do, after realizing you have been duped, conned, skinned like a trapped coon, had your lard rendered, and the chitlins boiled, EXCEPT LAUGH about it and go on your way.

    Sometimes I get so mad I could chew rail road ties and spit out toothpicks, and other times I get so weepy and sentimental you’d think I was watching “Where the Red Fern Grows” or “the Yearling” or “old yeller” or something like that, but the bottom line is that we either get up or we stay down and “waller in it” and damned I am soooooo tired of “waller’in’ in it” that I think it is time we got up, dusted ourselves off and get on with the show.

    I know that EVERYONE has got to go through that “wallerin’ in it” stage for a while—and the Good Lord knows I did enough of it, and too much recently, so I’m about ready to get outside in the spring time sunshine and saddle up the jack asses and ride somewhere—maybe even rough shod over a psychopath or two. (((hugs))))



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  6. betsybugs says:

    Oxy,

    Love your vernacular. Being a single mom for years, I used to thank guys who called me a bitch. Not so fond of some of the other names especially coming from my family now. First I was the designated bird brain, then the silent (invisable) one and then the angry (evil) one.

    Their crazy making psychopath babble; lies, secrets, half truths and blame without reason has put me past tilt back onto fuggim’ even if they are family. I am so tired of being dismissed, precluded from, lied to and blamed that I finally believe my own truth. Hear that everyone? I FINALLY BELIEVE MY OWN TRUTH! No wonder I have been angry, I have been treated like a mushroom, i.e. kept in the dark and fed manure. Now I do not have to be angry anymore.

    Let me say it one more time just for the joy of it, I finally believe my own truth! Yeah!!!! It does not matter what they say or do. Oh God, please let me retain this freedom and joy of indifference to them. Amen



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  7. Betsy- so good to see you! Yes – Believe your own TRUTH! One of their big weapons is to make us doubt ourselves – so take away that weapon! Good for you.



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  8. Imara says:

    It boggles my mind HOW they manage to get pretty awesome (if I may say so myself)women and men!to actively doubt themselves and their very sanity!!!! Today I went house hunting all by myself for MY own new place.Then I realised that of all the homes we have lived in (4) I have always done the search the move the set up the EVERYTHING all by myself anyway…..he was always very conveniently too busy at work or travelling!!
    Today was the first time that I felt I can manage. I will manage… and that truth be told I have managed alone anyways!!!
    Now if I can find a decent job….I would shrug him off quite easily now!!!



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