Give yourself the gift of trusting yourself

It’s the holiday season, and many of us are running around doing last minute shopping, trying to find gifts for everyone on our list—and possibly, with this economy, on a limited budget. But what are we planning to give the most important person on our list? That is, what are we planning to give to ourselves?

This year, some of us have been forced to face the fact that the person to whom we dedicated our time, energy, love and money was a sociopath, thoroughly prepared to take everything he or she could from us. Some of us discovered this a year or two ago, and are still processing the awful truth.

When we become entangled with a sociopath, it shakes the foundation upon which we built our lives. Axioms by which we lived turned out to be flawed: No, not everyone can be saved by our love. Yes, when some people say, “I love you,” they’re lying. No, not everyone is good deep down inside. Yes, evil exists.

The turmoil can leave us feeling like we’re drifting without an anchor.

I’d like to suggest that this year, we give ourselves the gift of a new anchor, a new axiom. And what is the gift? Trusting ourselves.

Most of us knew on some level, early in the involvement with the sociopath, that something was wrong. The sociopath’s stories didn’t add up, the behavior seemed odd, the emotions didn’t match the words. But we doubted ourselves. We let the sociopath explain away our queries, or convince us that we were paranoid.

Then, as the entanglement progressed, we started to lose ourselves. Perhaps the sociopath told us we were insane. Perhaps it was easier not to argue. Eventually our lives no longer seemed to be ours.

Well, we’ve learned the hard way that we were right all along. So let’s not berate ourselves for not heeding our instincts. Let’s take it as proof that our instincts work.

We may have to start slowly, by consciously asking ourselves, “What do I want to do now? What is right for me in this situation?” But as we release the anxiety of the sociopathic relationship and listen to ourselves, we’ll find that we have the answers.

This year, let’s give ourselves the gift of trusting and believing in our own good. We can do it. We can emerge from this experience with hard-won wisdom, and move forward to create a happy and fulfilling life.

The Lovefraud authors will be taking a break for the holidays, and will resume posting after the New Year. We wish all of you a healthy, safe and Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, blessed solstice, or whatever you celebrate, and a wonderful New Year!

78 Comments on "Give yourself the gift of trusting yourself"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. libelle says:

    Dear all, my favourite recipe for Cookies are the “Brutti ma buoni”, “Uglies but Goodies”!


    Very easily done, and quickly gone. Enjoy!

    PS I told my boss about my resignation and my new plans yesterday, and I can tell from the reaction who likes me and who does not. VERY INTERESTING! Most seem to be very glad for me that I can really leap into a very bright future. (The long time coworkers who did not get it about the horrible carnivorating in our mini-team of 5 people.)

    Also my boss could not help by being feigning of being glad! He wanted me to be out, and here we are. Three months early, unfortunately for him. But as my sister and I told each other last week end: the threshold of tolerable pain is always determined by us!
    The secretary who was especially nasty said frankly well I will be slimey nice to you from now on because I want to be invited to the opening! I said jokingly Too late, no use, as I know you by now! (hopefully she did not notice that deep inside it was NOT jokingly at all!)

    The head nurse who deliberately closed the restroom and took the key so I could not go there anymore (and all the staff of the department, including 3 consultants and 4 doctors and 12 nurses and aides! had to beg for the loo key); well she was the first to tell me the “good news she heard officially from the CEO secretary” (as I had to resign not to my boss but the CEO!) and the “marvellous future” I was going to have.

    They all had no clue, and she just was nice to bring me to tell HER about my plans. I did not!

    And there are the very few ones who KNOW about it all, and sincerely and quietly congratulate and wish me well, and we do not need lots of conversation about it. It just feels very nice!

    I was asked last year by one of the highest respected leaders of my field, who is a long term friend who knows me pretty well and with whom I have already worked in the past. I am going to a VERY nice place, being MY OWN BOSS, we are building our own offices according to our own plans. I get along very well with his whole family, then I have worked in the area before and will have friends being already there, and I am not TOO far away from my family. Hooray!

    Maybe without the whole experience I would not have the courage to say Yes to this once in a lifetime offer, so in hindsight I must be glad for all the awful things that sharpened my inner S to have a stand for what I want and have the guts to GO FOR IT. Become a Dolphin! Thanks Kathleen!

    The snake (me) came out from under the rock!

    I feel like Gary Cooper at the very last scene from “High noon” when he is smashing the Sherrif’s star into dust, reaching out for Grace Kelly and walking slowly off as everybody is crawling out of their holes.

    For the rest, three months to go still. I will be as before, business as usual, grey rock and potted plant!

    Thanks to all of you, LF-gang, without you I surely would not have seen the whole picture, the manure that lies in MY Sh*t!

    Report this comment

  2. ErinBrock says:

    It’s good to hear you sound so positive!
    It’ll continue to be an eye opener….until the huge bash on your last day….HAHAHA!!!!
    You struck when YOU needed to…..and now you can go back and watch the legs go by you from underneath that rock…..and remember…..you MAY need to strick again, so keep that venom replenished.
    YOU HAVE THEM ALL BY THE BALLS!!!!! Watch the jelousy rage…….
    your in a good postition and I’m glad you can feel the power you have created out of a bad work environment.


    Report this comment

  3. geminigirl says:

    Have you heard the saying,Libelle,
    “When you have them by the balls, the heart and mind must surely follow!”
    You go girl!!
    Love, Gem/XX

    Report this comment

  4. ErinBrock says:

    Speaking of having someone by the balls….
    I found out the S #2 (business relationship) had “personal property” in a shop in town for repair….
    So….guess where you’ll find EB tomorrow……going to court tomorrow to file an emergency motion to ‘seize’ the property….to go against payment of the judgement….

    Not sure if I will have the shop owner (as she volunteered) tell S#2 to come pick up his property, wait until the s is walking out door and have sheriff serve him papers for the hearing I require AND sieze property on the judgement…..

    This guys’ a slick dick! I’ll tell ya…..
    He called me over the weekend and left a threatening message to stay out of his business and Im getting my attorney (a ‘word he uses frequently) to sue your ass, I’m gonna get you……..
    YA…dude PAY ME!!!!!
    If you paid me…..you’d never have any problem….BUT GUESS WHAT……I AIN”T GOING AWAY…..
    And your attorney threats DON”T scare me!!!!
    He’s a con, a car thief, a deadbeat dad, a scam artist, a check fraud, a lier, a perpetrator, and a total scumbag…..that I will continue to expose until my judgement is settled!!!!
    It’s a small town fucker….and their AIN”T ROOM FOR THE BOTH OF US!!!!!!
    Too bad you ain’t got no money to leave town….cuz the cops/courts and ME are on to ya!!!!

    Report this comment

  5. pollyannanomore says:

    They sound yummy! You must have amazing skills if you can professionally do this – guess it’s a bit like riding a bike 🙂

    Report this comment

  6. one_step_at_a_time says:

    i have an ongoing parallel discussion to my posting on lf, with a good friend – the ONLY one who has made space for my processing of this whole spath affair.

    in the last day she has wanted me to ‘meet someone’ she met online. the more we talk about what i want the more she brings a differing point of view – in this way the conversation itself is really two parallel monologues- not really a dialogue at this point. it was and will be. 🙂

    my latest email to her:


    ‘I really don’t think you are getting what i am saying.


    I too have *trusted* my own perceptions. i have been wrong. and more than once. remember g? and there are many others in my past. wrong wrong wrong. KNOWING THIS IS POWER. GOT IT?

    this is a long healthy healing journey i am undertaking. i do not need to sail the good ship stupid into the dating stream. i wanna build a safe skiff and find life.’

    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.