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Choose to break your addiction to a sociopath in 2010!

The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.

A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.

When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great… Then I use…I am an addict.”

Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”

Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.

During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.

Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.

If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”

OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?

Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.

Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.

You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.

You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.

Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.

Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.

Ibizan Hounds

Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.

Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:

Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?

How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?

Why is this so hard for us mentally?

A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath

Why you can be addicted to a sociopath

I don’t understand why I still care

Sheep can teach us about love and it’s pretty scary!

Love, sex, your brain and sociopaths



456 Comments on "Choose to break your addiction to a sociopath in 2010!"

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  1. slimone says:

    We’ll see you later then, Onestep. I wish there were sunshine here in the NW, nothin’ but clouds today. I am off to the gym for a dose of endorphins!

    Love to you…

  2. style1 says:

    Yesterday, I got over tired and didn’t sleep well the night before.. by early evening I found my self wanting to contact ‘him’… Like I felt tired, needed a hug.. needed some nurting and I felt like if I called him that it would make it all better or that I would get what I needed..

    So.. it was the conditioning that when we were together and I called or needed him, he was there for me.. and listened and comforted…

    Instead of making contact, I took a shower, then I ordered my fav pizza and made a salad.. and got into bed.. and talked on the phone to a few friends.. after a good night’s sleep and waking up today… I see my ‘ex’ clearly’ again… and all that was wrong and off about him and us as a couple..

    But yesterday.. I wanted to be in his arms.. and to his his words of comfort… goes to show… how important it is to keep yourself in a good place and to not make decisions or to meet new people or make decisions while tired, stressed or off your balance….

  3. hopeful6596 says:

    Slim,

    Thanks for the validation. I need a lot of that lately and I’m irritating even to myself. I am just so upset he is with someone else. But I just keep drilling into my head how sick he is and reminding myself of all the nasty lies, manipulating, gas-lighting and everything else he did. Ya know, normal people if they don’t want to see someone anymore, you’re honest with the person, and you don’t do outrageously nasty stuff within the relationship.The evening before I found out he was cheating again, he told me that he wanted me to feel safe with him. What normal guy would do that? Even though he seems so into this girl, this is no different than what he has done before with women. I just don’t have the rich family that may eventually be able to benefit him. He really, really is THAT narcissistic. Also, because I outed him to his friends and told him he would just do this again, it really feels like his attaching to this woman so shortly after (or before, likely) we broke up, is such an F You to me. Meeting one another’s family and friends. He’s saying, see–I can really do a real relationship–it was just you. And obviously, a big part of me buys right into it.

    I am going to the gym too, Slim, to make sure my butt doesn’t start dragging on the ground. No butt mopping!

  4. hopeful6596 says:

    One Step,

    I hope you are feeling better. I know it can be tough getting out of the house and facing the world when we our minds are so inundated with memories of spathiness. I’ve wasted so much time being depressed on this spathole, so I am taking your advice and beginning to LIVE LOUD! Today is the first day I am going back to the gym in over 2 months. Me not going for nearly 3 months is a big deal. I usually go 4-5 days a week. It’s such a stress buster and I think not going was to my detriment emotionally as well as physically, obviously. No more of that! There’s lots of life to live, many spaths to reject. Spaths–bring ‘em on! Not really. I say that in jest. I don’t really want anymore spaths in my life, but part of me WANTS to be tested so I can say right up front–dude, you’re a spath and I reject you. tee hee I hope you are enjoying your day, One Step. Also, I saw Justin Timberlake sing Halelluyah (spelling?) and it was wonderful.

    Hopeful~

  5. style1 says:

    I think also.. was gets me down and plays in my head is that his words of your are the love of my life..I’ve been looking all my life for you. All the others were just to get to you. You are my soulmate, my queen….
    and his actiosn showed it for awhile…

    It still is baffling to me how someone can say these things when it means little…as in were it true, we would be together for the well-being of all….
    I intellectually that they lie, contrive, manipulate.. but in my feelings.. it’s still difficult to conceptualize..

  6. lightsaber says:

    thanks slimone – Lovefraud is my refuge and sanity restorer :)

    one step – venting is very therapeutic…awesome to read about you letting it all out! I hope you got out today :)

    Sending warm wishes to everyone else – going to take some time for me tonight and catch up later

    I just wanted to share something kind of humorous (at least it is for me! LOL) I heard a bit of this song (one that’s always annoyed the piss out of me btw) today while out with my daughter, while changing the radio station in the car and I’ve decided that it’s the perfect theme song for my X NarcSpath.

    The song is “Just A Gigolo”, by none other than the grossly Narcy David Lee Roth. It makes me GUFFAW!!! :D

    He’s like a cartoon from HELL.

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