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The Golden Rule — and the Silver Rule

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

By Ox Drover

Jesus said to “treat others as you would have them to treat you.” I have tried to live more or less by this rule most of my life. I have tried to treat others as I would have them treat me. I have shown compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring and kindness to those who I hoped would also treat me with compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring, respect and kindness.

Unfortunately not everyone that I treated as “I would that they treat me” reciprocated my treatment of them. I always paid back any money that I ever borrowed, but I loaned money to those who would not repay me. I was kind and understanding to others when they didn’t pay me back the money they owed me. I was caring and compassionate when they treated me badly. I found excuses for why I should not be angry at them for their bad treatment of me, even though I had always treated them well.

While I tried to live by this precept of “do unto others as I would have them do unto me,” somehow it didn’t work on the “them doing unto me part.” Finally I realized that I had only gotten half the concept. I noticed that while I treated others well, and they in turn treated me poorly, I realized that I had one set of expectations for me, and another set for them.

Now, I am not saying that I should start treating them the way they treated me, or that I should borrow money from them that I have no intention of paying back, however, I did learn that I should have the same expectations for my friends that I have for myself. I should expect that others treat me well if they are to remain in my life. I do not have to treat others well and then bend over backwards to continue to allow them to treat me badly and not think “something is wrong here,” or as Kathy Hawk says, “this is just not working for me.”

I don’t have a pass to treat others badly, but at the same time, because I do try to treat others as I would that they treated me, it does not follow that I must allow them to abuse me. I would expect myself to act better than they are acting, so why do I think that me acting well and them not acting well is acceptable?

The Silver Rule

So I developed the second part of the “Golden rule” — the Silver Rule — and that is to not allow others to treat you more poorly than you would treat them. Do not allow others to treat you with disrespect and abuse if you would not treat them that way. Expect others who interact with you, who are intimate friends and relationships, to treat you with the same respect, caring and kindness with which you treat them.

I know we will encounter people at work and in our social lives who do not treat anyone well, and sometimes we can’t change that situation. But we do not have to allow ourselves to interact with these people. We can distance ourselves from them, not allow them to treat us poorly. For those people of more “importance” in our lives, our family and our closer friends, we can challenge them on this and say, for example, “John, I loaned you $50 with the expectation that you would pay me back this Friday as you had indicated you would. I expect you to repay me.” If “John” does not repay you, you are not expected to pretend he doesn’t owe you the money. Of course, you would never again loan him money.

My beloved stepfather had a “joke” he used to tell about a man who was always asking for and receiving frequent favors from a friend and never repaying them. One day he asked for a favor and his friend refused and said, “Look at all the things I have done for you in the past and you never repaid any of these things.” The man (obviously a psychopath) replied, “Yeah, okay, but what have you done for me lately?”

If we believe in and practice the “Golden Rule,” I think we should also start to believe in and practice the “Silver Rule,” and expect that others treat us with the same respect that we treat them. If people do not treat us as we treat them, the problem is obviously not ours, but theirs, and they should not be allowed inside our circle of trust and intimacy. The positions within our sacred circle of trust and intimacy must be earned by treating us as we treat them.



70 Comments on "The Golden Rule — and the Silver Rule"

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  1. Stargazer says:

    How are you guys doing, one step and oxy? I haven’t been around much.



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  2. OxDrover says:

    Dear Star, I am doing fine, thanks for asking! Getting stronger and more uppity every day! LOL Things are finally starting to come together in several aspects of my life and with my sons.’ I am starting already to get an attorney hired for my P-son’s upcoming parole hearing in January of 2011, and to fight his chances for parole.

    I contacted the first attorney we hired for him last time (in 2006) and paroles in Texas are ALL he does. He did the first part, the evaluation, for $1500 but after so many “major rules violations” came up in the 15 yrs my son had been in prison, including a knife fond in his cell and a cell phone found in his cell, he DECLINED to take the next $5,000 for the parole hearing because he said it would be a “waste of our money” and them my egg donor hired a woman attorney.

    We did all the things the first attorney had suggested, including getting prominent members of the community to send letters to teh parole board saying what wonderful people WE are and how we would give my son the best chance of a good life etc. BUT, out of a possible 0-5 years for parole, he got 4 years, and my guess is that the attorney and all we did got him a ONE year reduction in when he could go back to the parole board from 5 to 4.

    I have plenty of evidence that he participated in the conning of my mother and the theft from her, the affair with his former cell mate, the Trojan Horse P and so on, and I am collecting all the evidence and documentation and so on for presenting it to the parole board.

    I will hire an attorney. I asked this first guy who is apparently the TOP DOG in texas attorneys for your parole attorney if you can get him, if he will represent me, but if he can’t because it is a conflict of interest, I will ask him to recommend to me the NEXT BEST ATTORNEY for that purpose and I do NOT care what it costs, I will sell plasma if that is the only way I can get the money to hire the attorney.

    I think just the fact that the inmates MOTHER AND TWO BROTHERS are saying DO NOT LET HIM OUT, is going to raise some eye brows if nothing else. So, will get my ducks in a row and get on with business and if I lose, and he gets out, then we will hit the trail and go into hiding. When I left before I felt that the entire world had fallen out from under me, but I now realize that this place, this house, this farm, is nothing but a piece of real estate. it is NOT sacred, it is NOT holy, it is just a place to eat and sleep and live. I can find lots of other places to be and as long as I am safe and P-FREE I will do fine. Maybe I will move out to Oklahoma and go into the landscape and purple paint business with henry! LOL ROTFLMAO



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  3. Stargazer says:

    Oh, Oxy, I pray that he doesn’t get let out. I find myself at the moment wishing he would just get murdered. Is that bad? What a lot of time and energy for so many people to waste on a worthless and destructive person. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you prevail. I think you have a very strong case, especially being his mother.



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  4. Stargazer says:

    So apparently the sociopath who tried to play me had posted some really nasty threads devaluing me and the other woman he played. Neither of us saw the threads before they were removed, but she is quite upset. I am not the least bit upset and don’t care what he said about me. Do you guys know “Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters”? I feel like I just completed chapter 4. “I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.” I’m hoping I can move on to Chapter 5 soon: “I walk down a different street.”

    The other woman is extremely sweet and very intelligent. I directed her to come here to learn about these tools.



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  5. one_step_at_a_time says:

    Hey Star,

    been sitting here trying to do my 2008 taxes (um yah, that’s 2008) i have been trying to this for months. kept laying aside to deal with dying boy.

    I went out this early evening! to hear some music at a solstice celebration – lots of kids and laid back folk. very nice!

    AND I danced, SQUARE DANCED. it was awesome (like in my sock feet with 5 year olds) I had such a good time. This duo (banjo and fiddle) play virginia hill music and they will be back at this bar playing once a week in feb. So, I have me a new social activity!

    Today, was a bit difficult. Some interpersonal stuff to deal with that rattled my head, but I think I will be okay. And I did have a moment when I came out of the dance when I choked up with tears – used to call the spath and talk about what i did during the day – so it was there – that missing the boy who never existed. if he hadn’t been DYING AL THE TIME, I would have had the BEST time with him 😉

    as it was we laughed all the time and I miiiiiissss it. 🙁

    but onward and upward. let’s hope we be moving out of national player’s week soon! 😉

    i actually expect the next week or so to be a bit rough in terms of spath activity. the holidays bring out the loony in most people, and when it is sooooo close to the surface.

    😉

    i don’t want my dad in my life anymore. so the next few days may be interesting. i am not making any move to spend time with them. i have no money, no car – nada. there are no presents this year. i sent a card. no one can come here, cause basically i have to have the windows open most of the time due to toxins and cig and pot smoke from the neighbors. and i can’t get to or handle the dogs at their place. if he calls and offers to take us out to dinner i will go, cause i want to see my mom – otherwise it will just be a phone call to my mom. he, can go fuck himself. he stole a whack of money from me, and i am damn near homeless and he doesn’t have the care for his last child who still speaks to him, so he can truly go fuck himself.

    It took me a long time to see what a bastard he has become. I never needed help in my life till now – and they didn’t have one extra cent most of my life – but they do now, and he doesn’t care (mom is too ill cognitively to help balance him out). so he can fuck off.

    have i said f&*k enough yet??? maybe not. i’d like to know who he thinks is going to take care of him in the next decade as he declines. someone mentioned this to me the other day….i suspect he plans to blow his head off when he starts to feel decrepid. (he once told me he would. i told him he better damn well do it out in the woods, cause it would be incredibly selfish to leave that f%^king mess for someone else to clean up in the house)

    even the spath thought he was an $%^&*()

    oh and i did the first evaluation in THE BETRAYAL BOND – GOT A 14 IN THE BETRAYAL BOND SECTION.

    Ya don’t say. 😉

    have a good good night star. bet your are sorry you asked now
    😉

    one step



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  6. babydoll says:

    I also encountered a sociopath this past year..wow .. it was an E-Ride like never before. This man took to me at a street fair and began an instant relationship while I was traveling away from home. It was partially my fault, but he took over after the invite. He was the good looking cutie pie, madusa eyes, great charm, and he wanted to get it on with the romance. He catered to all my whims, we played games and he just wanted to kiss and giddy up! I fell for this crap and enjoyed the Romance bad, but the manulipation for money was right in his sights. I was rich .. and the preditor was ready for me. He started emailing with love letters, working on an apt w/me I fell for all of it until I got stuck shortly after with all the 12 mo rent, an auto I lost, con games, lies, stealing then taking me out with my cash! Mixing lies/truth together to get what he wanted. Had to have that stimuation real often, gambling debts, no money, and bi-polar as well.
    The stress on me was 100% until at times I caved in. The verbal abuse over the top. Eventually shoving me around, acting crazy, telling me I love you, you feel so good. Giving his kids his petty cash living off me for nearly 10 months until one day I walked out cold & never looked back. Yesterday He called to say he missed me, he thought about me all the time, he was sorry and I would understand!? He had forgot to tell me he was a convict. I did not return the call.
    The End.



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