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After the sociopath is gone: Your best life yet!

There was a time when all I felt grateful for was the absence of his voice, for just an hour or two from the phone.

There was a time when what I was most grateful for was knowing he was somewhere else, somewhere where I wasn’t.

There was a time when I was grateful not to think of him, for just a moment, or an hour, maybe even, if I was really strong, for half a day.

There was a time.

And now, the times have changed. The times have shifted, the sands have fallen differently, ever changing, in the hour glass of the passing of the time when he was all I thought of, all I saw, all I believed I would ever live with in my life.

The times they have changed.

Today I gave a presentation to a group of about 50 people on how to make a difference — in your life, in the life of your community, in this city, in the world. My presentation as on behalf of The United Way, an agency that helped me get counselling when I first was released from the hell of that relationship that almost killed me.

I am grateful, I told the audience, for the support of The United Way because, they, along with my friends and family who stood by me, gave me the tools and the help I needed to start rebuilding my life. To start reclaiming all that was lost and so much more.

That’s the thing about a relationship with a psychopath/sociopath. The relationship leaves you drained — of all resources, of all energy, of all sense of self. We survived their passing through our lives and in the end, we wonder, will we ever breathe freely again? Will we ever feel like ourselves again? Will we ever trust, love, give our hearts again?

Recently, I was teaching a self-esteem course at the homeless shelter where I work. I asked the students, what are you grateful for? One man, about thirty years old, answered. I’m grateful for going to jail. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Because of being imprisoned, I got sober. And that’s how I want to live the rest of my life.

The conman experience was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. Sure, going through that journey was hell. I despaired that I would survive. I’m lucky I did. But, in having come out of the other side, I know, without a doubt, that that encounter freed me from my self-limiting beliefs that were keeping me from living the life of my dreams. That relationship forced me to look at myself and claim — I deserve all the world has to offer. I deserve to be free.

These relationships are hell. They test us. Try us. Destroy our belief in ourselves. Destroy our faith in humanity. And in the end, they leave us looking for a miracle, trying to find ourselves beneath the painful memories that keep us stuck in believing, we will never be free.

It’s all in our perspective.

We can look at their passing through our lives as the worst thing that ever happened to us — or we can look at their passing through our lives as the most astonishing thing that ever happened to us. We can find the value in their passing through or we can stay stuck in believing they were all we are worth. We can dig into the dirt of the turmoil, the angst, and the pain they dumped upon us and wallow in its weight, or we can dig out from beneath the dirt and claim our right to stand, fully illuminated in the sun of our new day dawning upon the truth of who we are when we choose to live up to our highest good, freed from the belief we are not good enough, not well enough, not enough.

We are enough. Just the way we are. We give enough. Do enough. Are enough.

Coming through the hell of that relationship I have had enough of living small, of living under the lies of someone else’s disorderly conduct. I have had enough of being who someone else tells me I must be. I have had enough.

Freed from believing someone else had the right to determine my worth, I claim my right to live up to my true value. I claim my right to determine my worth by every word, every deed, every action I take today.

I am not the woman who was abused.

I am a woman who has claimed her right to live freely in the rapture of now. I am a woman who claims her right to be all she is meant to be when she ‘turns up, pays attention, speaks her truth and stays unattached to the outcome.’ I am a Woman of Worth. A real WoW!

You are too.

If you feel less than, other than, bothered by or determined by his insistence that your only value is based upon what you give him or bring to him or what he gives you or says you are, shake yourself free. Give yourself the gift of knowing — he is just a conman, or conwoman. Their only purpose in life is to live off the well-meaning intentions of those around them. Their only purpose is to find their value in the devastation they cause in the world around them.

You are better than that. More than he could ever imagine.

Shake yourself free of believing he was the ‘worst’ thing that ever happened to you and embrace the reality of his passing through your life — you are free. In freedom, you can make choices that support you, nurture you and celebrate your magnificence.

Don’t let one man take the present of you and turn it into a burden for years to come.

Give yourself the gift of freedom. Acknowledge the gift of wisdom that comes with having lived through the experience of a conman in your life. Gift yourself the knowing — you are more than he could ever have imagined. You are more than you ever dreamed of. You are free to be your most amazing self because he is gone and you have nothing more to hold onto. The beauty of holding onto nothing is — you have nothing to lose. And with nothing to lose you are free to be your most incredible, amazing, magnificent self. Holding onto nothing, no one can take your most amazing self away from you.

Live it up. Live it free. Shift your anger and regret to gratitude and Live your best life yet!

I am!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May your life be filled with abundance, love and joy.



103 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: Your best life yet!"

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  1. Cat says:

    Spirit,
    I’ve been calling my ex that for some time now. I should have looked for teeth marks on my neck, except I think I would find more on my heart, in my mind, my psyche, anywhere he struck. I told mine the same and he hated it as well. What you did in the car was bust him and he didn’t like it. I know mine wasn’t sorry for what he had done; he was just sorry he had been busted.
    You are amazing. That you could go to college and get those kinds of grade with him around is incredible. Whenever I did something, no matter what it was, mine did it better and I was stupid, or so he thought. (Go give birth, buddy.) It’s just another con game. I didn’t know I had nice neighbors until he left. I’m finding out I really can live without a man in the house to do a lot of things. I’m learning to do them myself. I’m not stupid either. Life is a lot better than it was.
    I say thank you for this site every day. Whatever I say here, others will understand.



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  2. Spirit40 says:

    Cat, thank you! for your support…funny mine was 93 in his precentile for being “gifted” I would not call what he has a gift but a curse, yeah he is always smarter than me,did it better too LOL I started to be come curios when my sons friends came over and he was just “hanging out with them” let the kid have fun with his friends , he acted like a big kid ? mind you my son is like WTF ?? is he doing embarrassing me … what nothing wrong with that…. If your so smart than why dont you use your mind and work at a job…that pays you so you dont live off other people. Oh and the mine did it better always.. everything he had perfected…oh he could “show me how to do the dishes” but could he do them when after all his was just sitting around drinking on my couch…Cat… I feel ya what ever I write here others will understand…hopefully cause right now I am exhausted …all my hard work paid off got an A on my dev psych paper….woo hoo zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



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  3. libelle says:

    Dear Spirit, I would question the 93th percentile. Who did test him anyway?

    My father had a IQ-self-test-book and he repeated the test until he obtained the “Genious-score”! He had to outsmart a client who told him that he obtained a “very clever”-score in one test. LOL. X was also a professor in maths but also good enough to show me how to do the dishes HIS way! Soignez les détails!

    We still have the odd book, and I can send it to you if you need to “prove” that you are “supersmart” as well! (I think frankly you ARE and you do not need such a test as you live up to it). (((Hugs)))!



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  4. Cat says:

    Yay!!! Spirit! Good for you! libelle is right, you are super smart. It’s a step you took towards self-empowerment as well. And he’s not going to like that. Too bad, so sad. Keep doing what you’re doing. You really ARE amazing!
    I would question that “93” deal as well. He might be in the 93rd percentile for control and manipulation, but that’s about it. That will get you where? Nowhere, that where, in the end.
    It’s amazing, isn’t it, how they can’t find a job, can’t get off the couch, can’t do an “F”ing thing! Yet they know it all and sit there and critique you while their butt is super glued to the couch. I’m wondering how one learns so much by laying on the couch all the time. My ex is a kid too. He acts like one, but frankly, I think the kids are smarter. Can’t blame your son for his feelings. I would be the same.
    Congrats and hugs!



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