lf1

Your voice. It counts.

When I was with the man whose lies no longer hurt me, I believed he held my freedom in his hands. I believed I could only be free with his love. With his words. His voice feeding me the lies I called the truth. The lies I believed were truth and was too afraid to uncover with my questions, with my doubt, with my fear he was telling lies.

Freed of him, I know the truth. I am free when I watch my words. When I listen to my voice. When I hear my thoughts and acknowledge my presence in my life – without measuring my journey against someone else’s belief they hold my freedom in their hands.

It took me awhile to get here. Here to this place where I know my value is found in everything I do and say. In every step I take to claim my birthright to be my most incredible self.

See, I believe we are all born magnificent. It’s the journey through life that robs us of our brilliance. It’s the road through where we came from, where we’ve been, that takes us away from where we are meant to be in all our brilliant light.

With the man whose lies no longer hurt me gone from my life, I am free to be all of me. Free to dance in the rain. To shout out for joy at the top of my lungs just for the sheer exhilaration of having a voice that can be heard. A voice I’m willing to raise. To speak up. To yell out with. A voice.

It is perhaps the greatest thing I lost throughout that relationship. My voice. My belief that my words. What I had to say, what I thought, what I wanted to speak of counted. For me. For those I love. For something other than just the filling in of the space between where my truth ended and the lies began of someone who could not hear me.

I swallowed a lot of words with the man whose lies no longer hurt me. I swallowed so many words I almost choked to death.
In freedom, I pull out all stops, unblock my vocal chords, polish up my song and sing for joy that I am free to give voice to what inspires me, encourages me, motivates me, sets me free. I am free to speak up and be heard. I am free to speak of what is important to me and know because it is important to me, it is important to my life.

You can’t do that when you’re with an abuser. Speak up, that is. You can’t speak up because his voice is always drowning out your words. His voice is pouring out lies and with all those lies, you can’t make sense of your own name, let alone who you are, what is happening, what’s going on, what’s the problem, what’s the issue. You can’t make sense of his nonsense because his voice keeps pounding in your ears, filling your mind with poisonous words that clog up your thinking and push back the sound of your own voice speaking up.

I never spoke up with the man whose lies no longer hurt me. I never gave voice to my fears, my tears, my sorrow, my confusion.

Except once. I yelled at him. It was on the phone. It was after a particularly long bout of his telling me how ungrateful, how selfish, how stupid I was. I yelled at him to STOP IT! He didn’t listen. He kept screaming at me.

I threw the phone across the room and I cried. Deep wrenching sobs that spilled out from my gut. Tears streaming, my voice silent as I stared at the handset where it lay on the floor a few feet from me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

I had no voice when I was with him. He didn’t want me to have one. So I made sure I didn’t. I always did what he wanted. My doing what he said was the balance in our relationship. As long as I toed the line, obeyed, played the role he created for me, dressed in the clothes he set out for me, walked the way he wanted, talked the way he needed me to speak, saying the things he wanted me to say, balance was maintained. As long as I kept my voice silent, there was no shift of power, no unsettling of the unsettling balance we maintained with my silence.

It is a fine line we walk when toeing the line of their abuse. It is the line of self-annihilation. The pyre of self-immolation. We burn the threads leading to our past, scratch out the road leading from who we were and who we want to be as we become all they want us to believe we deserve: Their victim. Their possession. Their object.

In freedom, I walked away from who he told me I was into the truth of who I am when I let go of believing I was safer if I just stayed silent.

I don’t believe in silence. Silence is violence.

The violence of his abuse was found there. In silence. It lurked. It waited and it tortured me with its need to keep me still in the unspeakable darkness of the web of his deceit.

No more.

Today. I am free. Today. I speak up. I speak out. I speak for what is loving and healing and kind and caring of me.

Today, I turn up for me and speak my truth knowing I am free as long as I walk in the light of being my most magnificent self, every moment of every day.

It is my manifesto. My right. My destiny. My truth.

I am a magnificent human being on the journey of her lifetime dancing in the light of being all I’m meant to be when I walk in freedom from abuse.

You can be here too. Dancing in the light. Singing out for joy. All it takes is letting go of the bonds that keep your voice silent. All it takes is speaking up. Speaking your truth. Speaking your joy. Living in the exhilaration of being alive in this crazy-mixed-up oh so beautiful world where you are free to be, deeply, profoundly, noisily, vocally, You.

You are amazing. And don’t let anyone else tell you differently. You are magnificent. Exactly the way you are. And your voice counts. And when we count our voices together, we become a mighty force. For change. For truth. For freedom.

Let your voice be heard.



58 Comments on "Your voice. It counts."

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  1. Delta1 says:

    Well everyone. I’ve gone a bit ‘posting dotty’ over these last couple of days and written loads on here in my excitement at finding people who understand my story. Hope you won’t think I’m being awfully demanding to post just one more thought!!!

    I just have one thing I’d really like to share experiences with people about and that’s the aftermath of the S N or P on one’s ability to get out and about and have a normal social life/family life.

    One thing I’m thinking about here is that in weaker moments I have Facebook stalked my ex. I really try not to do this, but I’m sure you’ll all appreciate the temptation to do this sometimes.

    My exN is a total Facebook ‘tart’ and has around 600 Facebook ‘friends’. He’s also got about 700 photos on his site of him at parties/social gatherings and whatever.

    I also have a ‘thing’ about Facebook – because it was a total instrument of fear for me – exN ‘cheated’ extensively on-line using FB chat and flirt applications and this caused many, many rows between us. (Oh yeah, MAJOR RED FLAG boys n girls).

    ExN was ar eal social chameleon when we were together. Great efforts made to get to the next party- then when at the party going round the whole room and flinging his arms around whoever would let him and taking cheesy pictures to ‘seal the deal’. He DJ’s so goes to a lot of clubs etc as part of that.

    To give exN credit he’s an accomplished social ‘slimer’ and good at networking/meeting strangers. Also he’s model good-looking and I noticed lots of women enjoyed having a link to his photo as he ‘looks like’ a very attractive fellow indeed. (A true Dorian Grey type!!!)

    Me – well I’ve got around 70 people on FB – actually I never really post much on there because of my job and need to actively keep information out of the public domain that could be used by some of my more dangerous clients if I’m not careful. I have been subjected to death-threats by clients in cases where ‘at risk’ children have been taken into care. But that’s a whole ‘nother story.

    Anyway. This has been a source of such low self-esteem for me. Logically I know that my choices are for good reasons and that there’s nothing wrong with a bit of mystery. Logically I know that having 2 or 3 good friends who you really love is a kind of gold that NPD ex will never experience. But still, society seems to love FB culture and the whole world seems to be run by narcissistic thinking sometimes.

    ExN would always use my FB presence to belittle me and try to make me feel like a ‘loser’. I guess what I hate is that his whole ‘you’re so unpopular’ mantra sticks a bit even though I don’t want it too!!!!!

    Also there’s loads of people in real life, whom I would potentially have been friends with in other circumstances that we met whilst we were together. He would ‘claim’ everyone that we met together as ‘his friends’ and even try to take over long-standing friendships of mine.

    When it comes to people we ‘both know’ I avoid them like the plague because in their ignorance of N’s S’s & P’s they can’t help but be duped into feeding exN titbits of information and I want total no contact – not even him knowing anything at all about me or my new life.

    People just DON’T GET IT. They believe him when he says he just ‘wants to know I’m okay’ and they fall into his manipulations sooner or later. Many people I knew in the past have complained that I’ve rejected them and been cold to them without being able to believe me as to why I ‘have to’ keep away from them if I’ve ever tried to explain.

    I tried to keep 3 of the friends who were most special to me, but of course when he sensed this he went all out into attack to ‘claim them as his’ and manipulate both them and me in really negative ways. All the time saying he ‘doesn’t understand why I don’t want to hang out with him’ as he ‘wants to be my friend etc etc’. ARRRGH

    The only bright spot is that a couple of people I haven’t spoken to for a couple of years recently got back in touch saying ‘wow we miss you etc’. It may be dawning on them that they’ve been duped and it’s flattering to hear they miss me. Still I know I can’t really hang out with them, they still insist that exN is basically an ‘ok’ person though with a few flaws and that he genuinely wants to be friends with me.

    I’m so fed up so have to restrict my life all the time! It’s become so that paranoia and restricting my life have become a habit. I’ve moved town, jobs, changed my entire social circle – but he still finds ways to try to vicariously control or manipulate me!!!!!! It’s bad enough the restrictions that ‘the job’ places, without this too!

    I mentioned today that been out quite a lot recently and will soon be ‘touring’ with the band I’m in – really nothing fancy at all. A mutual ‘friend’ says he’s well aware of our band doing reasonably well and is wanting to turn up to one of my gigs. He knows him turning up at a gig would tick me off to the max. He knows that even this friend talking about him possibly coming would be totally unwelcome and upsetting to me. Darn and blast him. I told the friend that I can’t prevent him turning up but that there will be trouble ‘for him’ if he showed up. I told her she didn’t need to understand anything else except my take my word for it.

    I love my band – I love creating music and having ‘a voice’. I’ve even written some songs about the experience, I love being part of the band and the ‘rising like a phoenix’ which this represents to me. I’m going to have to resolve this ‘public/private’ thing somehow it’s quite a dilemma for me.

    And I was doing so well today! Do they have some kind of psychic radar for knowing when you’re ridding your energy field of their toxic presence & b/s!!!!????

    Ta everyone

    Delta 1



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  2. neveragain says:

    Use the “block” feature on fb. click on him and then click on block. It means you can’t see him and he can’t see you, even on friends pages that you both post on. Your experience will be that he is off fb, and his will be that you dropped off fb. Set your privacy setting so that only friends can see any of your stuff. Get rid of any “apps” Register again on fb with a fake name, so you can search yourself and make sure you are comfortable with what shows up. You can even take yourself off all searches. Be invisible except to the people YOU friend. You don’t even have to have the capability for people to ask to be your friend. You can be pretty private if you want.

    Focus your energy on what you can control and let the rest go. Draw two circles. Label one “in my control” . Label the other “out of my control”. The stuff that is in “out of my control”…let it go!

    One thing that is within your control is knowing what is on his fb page. Block him (he won’t receive any notification….if he looks for your page, it appears you deleted your account) and stop being interested in what he is doing or saying. Is there some creep from grade school or high school that you would rather puke than know anything about them? Picture that person sitting on a bench, and put this guy (in your mind) right next to that person. Let those feelings of “get off my planet, I never want to see you, yuck!” that you feel for the creep transfer to this guy. So that you no longer want justice, you no longer want revenge, you no longer care what others think of him, you just want him GONE.

    When (and it actually rarely happens) someone says something nice to me about a P/n or “why won’t you be friends”, I just say things like “why do you ask?” or “Just not someone I want in my life and that’s all I will say” and I change the subject.



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  3. shabbychic says:

    Hi Delta1, I read your story on the other thread (ugh, just horrible with the MIL thrown in there too, jeez)… and I can relate to your post above (I have been a Facebook stalker, now I just feel weird about it, but I still do it even though nothing interesting is ever on there, but have found photos through other friends, oh my). That sounds so wonderful that you are going to be touring with your band!!! What a great way to get your feelings out!!! Anyway, thanks for writing, I always learn from everyone’s posts.



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  4. OxDrover says:

    Dear Delta,

    Don’t worry, post as much as you like! It helps.

    There are several threads here on how there is collatteral damage to friendships and relationships, and that is just how it is.

    When people try to talk to you about him or give you information state to them “I really do not want to talk about my former relationship with John” if they insist, then WALK away. That still will not keep these people from telling him about you! I think what you are already saying is okay too. They are NOT going to ‘get it” anyway.

    Many of us have found it is just easier to delete these people.



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