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After the sociopath is gone: You’re worth it!

In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It’s easy to forget that people don’t always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it’s easy to forget – you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place.

It’s one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say… Whatever it is they tell us we are — from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most incredibly intelligent woman they’ve ever met to the stupidest woman who ever walked the planet.

In their eyes we become less than we ever imagined possible because, in their eyes we do not exist. At least, not the ‘we’ we’ve known ourselves to be. Because their eyes can’t see ‘us’. All they can see is the ‘target’ of who they needed us to be while they stalked and plotted their way into our lives.

When I was first released from that relationship, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. And then I had to remind myself – believe it. It happened. “But how could he have done it?” my mind raced. “He said he loved me. Would never hurt me.”

Hah! Face it. He lied.

Facing reality of his lies is imperative to healing from these cretins evil passages through our lives. Believing they did what they did, said what they said, lied and deceived and cheated and coerced us into giving up on ourselves, is vital to our recovery.
And facing the truth about the sickness of their love, and our sickness while believing we were in love with them is critical to soothing our aching hearts and sorrow filled psyches.

So many times someone will say after they’ve told me all the things he’s done to abuse them, “But I still love him.”

And I always ask, “What’s in it for you to keep believing you love someone who treated you like that? Who betrayed you? Cheated on you? Lied to you with every breath? What’s in it for you to keep believing he is worthy of your love?”

Because after they’ve gone and devalued and discarded us one more time, we are the one’s who keep ourselves attached to their machinations with our picking at the scabs of the wounds they’ve inflicted at us, worrying the sore of their abuse with our repetition of their words running through our minds. We are the one’s who keep thinking about them, worrying about what they’re doing or saying after they’ve walked out the door one last time leaving us standing with the pieces of our hearts falling through our fingers into the puddle of our tears pooling on the floor.

It is not easy healing from a relationship with a sociopath. But, it’s a heck of a lot better than being in relationship with one.

When I was with the sociopath, I did not know up from down, left from right, in from out. Every day was fraught with some new terror, some weird and wacky story about why he couldn’t turn up, didn’t have the money to pay, didn’t have the guts to call, or simply didn’t do what he’d say he’d do in the first place. Every day was a roller coaster ride through his crazy-making words and antics, with me constantly searching for truth and order, fairness and kindness amidst the insanity that was his ‘love forevermore’. In staying with him, I became more and more sick. More and more incapable of seeing that it wasn’t that I ‘couldn’t leave’, it was that I kept telling myself, “I couldn’t leave.” because…. he loved me. Needed me. Wanted me. I loved him. Needed him. Wanted him. I kept telling myself I couldn’t walk away and trapped myself into believing I couldn’t because I loved him and he loved me.

He never knew what it meant to love. He never had it in him to love me. And, while I walked into that relationship with my arms and heart wide open to love, I stayed because my mind closed down and my heart broke up into a thousand tiny pieces with every moment I remained within his unholy arms.

When I was first released I wanted to believe he loved me, at least at some point in that tortorous ride — it couldn’t all be for nothing, could it? I wanted to believe it wasn’t all a lie or some sick game played out on the battlefield that became my life. In healing, I accept, He never loved me. He never could. It was always a sick game and I was the pawn who could never gain entry into his castle – because his castle never existed. And he was never the prince of my imaginings.

Poison doesn’t kill you because it loves you. Poison kills you because it’s toxic.

And he was toxic to my life. A poison I consumed with every breath I took whether I was in proximity to him or his voice was simply coming down the umbilical cord of the telephone through which he fed me my daily dose of lies.

In those first minutes and hours and days away from him, within the protective veil of No Contact, I came face to face with reality and accepted my truth. I never loved him. I wanted to think I did. I truly wanted to believe I did. But, in reality, I loved a mirage. A shimmering creation of his duplicituous creation. He was the chimera. Facilely capable of shifting shape to suit the weather, the time zone, the geographic formations around him.

I never loved him. I loved the thought of him. The idea. The dream.

In accepting the reality of my love of the idea of him versus the truth of who he was, I freed myself to awaken from the nightmare of his embrace. In my awakening, I opened myself up to all that is possible when I let go of living on cloud nine, squeezing my feet into too small high heeled shoes that inevitably trip me up. Feet firmly planted on the ground in my size nine hiking boots, and armed with my shield of No Contact, I strode fearlessly away from my need to hear his voice, to know what he was doing and saying and thinking. To make sense of his nonsense. To understand his machinations.

He did what he did because he could. It’s what he does. It’s who he is.

There’s no rhyme nor reason that can ever justify what he did to me or continues to do to others. Away from him, there’s no sense in spending my precious breath trying to make sense of his nonsense or trying to figure out if there is some way I can make him hear me, see me, look at me. There’s no closure worth being in contact with him. No point in having the last word. There’s never a last word with a sociopath. They’ll always think that one word is the opening to more.

He is the lie and I am free.

He will always be the lie and I will always be free — as long as I stay true to who I am, my values, beliefs, principles and ideals. As long as I stand up for what is right and loving in my life and turn up for me in all my beauty, warts and all and love myself for all I’m worth.

Today, these boots are made for walking. Away from abuse. Away from deceit. Away from anything or anyone who believes they have the right to tell me who I am, what I can do and where I can go.

In walking away from the belief that I loved him, I walk into the truth that I deserve love and joy and all that is good in this world. In walking away from him I leap fearlessly into creating my best life yet, of living this moment without fear that I will fall into the arms of someone who believes they have the right to take my life and make it theirs.

Nobody has that right. And I’m not giving up my right to live my life in joy and love and wonder, creating my best life yet for all I’m worth.

And I’m worth a lot.

So are you.

I survived an encounter of the sociopathic kind. I am no longer a victim of his abuse. I am a victor on the path of success, creating beauty and love in my life today because, I deserve it!

So do you!



459 Comments on "After the sociopath is gone: You’re worth it!"

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  1. ElizabethBennett says:

    I faced a major fear today and I feel good about myself for doing it. I am not afraid of much but I am scared to death of the dentist. I hadn’t been in something like 16 or 18 years due to some childhood pain that I experienced there. I went today and I found that I have my first cavity I’ve ever had in almost 39 years. I have one regular sized one and another little tiny one. I am going to have them fixed next month. My teeth look so much better and it’s another real good reason to not pick up the cigarettes again. I put them down again yesterday morning.

    I am still struggling with the feelings of emptiness since the drama is going away. I still think about her all the time but I have not had any email contact with her since the 17th and haven’t seen or talked to her since 7/22. I feel like I should be happy cuz the drama is gone but I just have to face the emptiness and not run from it. I am trying to do good things to take my mind off it. I started reading a book and I am knitting and exercising. Hopefully by the time I go home on 10/23 it will be easy to just act like she isn’t there. I may even end up taking off and going elsewhere for three more months-IF I don’t have a full time job waiting for me.



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  2. aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

    yes, oxy, its a massive intramural fibroid instead of ovarian mass. BUT the pap still has yet to come back, even bein done stat.
    the spath is my exhusband. my bf is not a spath. we just went about everything wrong. and now are not currently together, again. im leaving him alone and he will contact me me soon but its been very strained. hes running like a scared fool n need him stablized cuz i need someone. i havent even told him (like I sed, im leaving him alone, no matter wat, even this crazy mess in my life). i dont just need SOMEone, i love him and im mad at me that i do. im worried i am ruined becuz of my trauma with spath.



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  3. aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

    oh elizabeth i DO understand the emptiness. wat to do with ur life, now that u have one again! i spent 2 mos doin nothing else but basking in his absence once spath left. enjoying my girls and getting them normalized. it was wonderful. but if i hadnt had them i would have been quickly bored and lost. im still bored sometimes lol. how to fill the hours. how to find ur life again.
    Important questions. 🙂



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  4. Ana says:

    (((One Joy Step)))
    I am here for you if you need me. DON’T let those bastards get to you. Just take care of yourself FIRST and let them come in second. Make you’re boss be a boss..

    I hope you are OK and let me know how you are doing. I wish I could give you a real hug, cup o’ tea, ice cream and a massage, esp. the tootsies.



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  5. one/joy_step_at_a_time says:

    Hey Ana, thank you. – again foiled by the limits of technology!

    i fell asleep on the couch and then woke and can’t seem to sleep in the bed. I have another week on these antibiotics and i am just a mess.

    I am very very angry over what is happening at work, and trying to not step in it. but i will quit if this doesn’t change. i can’t think of anything that i can say that doesn’t make me look like a raving lunatic or insubordinate. Except, ‘i quit.’ You know, all i have is trust – and i do not extend trust now after it has been broken. part of why i can do the work i do is that i have a boss who is an ally. I have tried to stay away from others who i know would cause roadblocks – and i have landed right in it by asking that this subcommittee be formed. although they are part of the board, i am driving the committee and these two pissy boys don’t like it. i am beside myself with worry. literally.
    i can’t do this. i can’t be in this stressful situation. It will take days to get resolved. And now i don’t trust them, so that will not be resolved. that;s a broken relationship, and i know that my heart cannot take that.



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  6. one/joy_step_at_a_time says:

    lizzy, you said: I feel like I should be happy cuz the drama is gone but I just have to face the emptiness and not run from it.

    lizzy, why do you feel like you should be happy? to me it seems an odd thing to expect so quickly – you need to give yourself some time to get there. as you said you need to face the emptiness and not run fro it – in that practice and in the space created by hanging in there- that’s the space happiness can grow in.



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  7. super chic says:

    one joy, I am hoping you feel better soon and that
    you get the upper hand at work.
    Sending good vibes over to you !!!!!!!!!!!
    Hope they help in some tiny way, or in a big way!!!



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  8. one/joy_step_at_a_time says:

    thanks so much chic
    – i have been wondering how you have been doing as you seem to deek in and out so quickly I never get to chat with you.

    the work situation is hard, so thank you for your good vibes!



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  9. Ox Drover says:

    Hey Chicky, where have you been? Catch us up on what is happening in your world!



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