Archives for July 30, 2009

Unless your abusive partner can feel shame for his violating behaviors, he will make no gains. That's why I say, no shame, no gain. By “gain” I mean, of course, the permanent ceasing of his abuse. This rules-out sociopaths who, by definition, will lack the capacity for shame necessary for personal reform. This is worth repeating, as basic as it is: the sociopath is beyond help, beyond reform. Only his victims can help themselves by escaping, and healing, from him. And yet shame alone isn't enough to produce gain. It's what the abuser does with his shame that's critical. If he projects his shame defensively into, say, “blame,” then he is going nowhere fast. And unfortunately, all too ofte …

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