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Letters to Lovefraud: The coldest man I’ve ever known

Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Marsha.”

I just wanted to write and share my story. I did some research on all the characteristics of what makes someone a sociopath. My father is a psychologist and knew my situation. He had mentioned the concept that my ex-fiancé was a sociopath after everything that happened to me and I didn’t think to ask him more about what that meant. After exploring this site with the symptoms, I realized that my dad was 100 percent right. Here’s my story:

When I met my ex-fiancé, it was through a mutual friend. He was charming, funny and seemed to be very witty and smart. He displayed himself as a go-getter, very ambitious, etc. We were friends for several months when our relationship seemed to get more serious. It was around that same time that I was living in an apartment that I loved within five minutes of my workplace. He lived in a fairly expensive high-rise condo on the beach, a condo that he owned, whereas I was renting.

He was a mortgage broker at the time and the housing market was steadily headed into the downfall. As we continued to date, his job stability as a broker seemed to be in question. Sure enough, about six to eight months into our relationship, he lost his job working for one of the major banks as they had some layoffs. He faced the challenge of paying his bills and mortgage in his condo as he waited for the opportunity of new employment.

Moving in with him

He created this idea that our relationship was headed in the right direction and that he “loved me.” He advised that really the only thing to do at this point would be to move in together. He urged me to quickly move into his condo so that we could play house in a sense and combine our incomes. Looking back I realize just how much I was duped.

I decided to give up my wonderful, beautiful, convenient apartment to move 30-45 minutes across the town to his location. I began paying him rent, month after month and not really seeing where the money was going. It turns out he was saving the money with plans to not pay the mortgage and lead his own self into foreclosure. He then anticipated that since we were not married he could just short sale the property in my name.

Now during all of this time, I let a lot of these financial plans slide through the cracks. I trusted him and figured that he had a plan. I didn’t know that this was a true con artist act in disguise.

During the span of time that I lived with him, he had kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend and stated that they had to keep in touch because he had known her for so long and that she was a friend. Again, I let this slide, even though I didn’t like the thought of it. Mainly because the communication was often and not of real purpose. Flirtatious, in many ways.

The marriage proposal

After one year of dating and living together I truly felt that I was in love with him. He proposed to me but even the proposal was cold and emotionless. We were arguing one afternoon and he laid the ring on the table showing that he had gotten the ring and that this should get me to stay.

This was never what I would have thought my proposal from the love of my life would have been like but again, love is blind and the sociopath can find a way to have you hanging onto a relationship that you know deep down doesn’t make sense.

He wanted silence

Needless to say, after several additional months his personality began to change and change and change. I never knew what personality I would get on any given day. He was oftentimes very irritable and mean. He was cold. I would come home from work and he would state that he couldn’t talk to me, he wanted silence. He would spend nights upon nights sleeping on the couch (by choice). What young engaged man chooses to sleep on the couch and not in the bed with his woman by choice?

It was as though all he cared about was the money that I was paying and the plans for the short sale.

He would talk sometimes about how people always betrayed him growing up and that he blames his father for being abusive. But, he rarely ever showed affection … kisses, hugs, terms of endearment.

I made excuses

I always would make excuses for him and say to myself … He’s just going through a lot right now … or he really cares, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Yet, over time it just seemed to be that he was purposefully being emotionally abusive and standoffish. He told me that I was too close to my family and should cut the close ties. It was almost as if he was jealous of my close relationship with my family and didn’t want that closeness to continue on.

Looking back, I realize that he didn’t want anyone else to figure him out. He didn’t want anyone else to realize that he was a fake, a fraud and that his love wasn’t real. His love didn’t mean anything.

He would always find a way to charm me, or reel me back in like a fish out of water, when I started to question his intentions or when I would take a stand. Then, there were other days where he just really didn’t give a crap.

I can’t say enough how this was the coldest man I’ve ever known.

Charmed again

After additional communication between he and his ex surfaced, along with his decision to allow a buddy of his (male) to come stay in our house for well beyond a few weeks, without asking me of course … I decided it was time for some separation. Although separation was there I still missed him. After a few days, he charmed me again and offered the possibility of my coming back home and things changing.

I came back, of course, and things didn’t change and he was as aloof as he had always been. The problem was that I still loved him and wanted to marry him, wanted to change him. Within a few additional days something very devastating took place … He cut the ties of the relationship with as much care or emotion as a gravedigger. Again, it was cold and at this point he devastated my life … he told me that he just couldn’t deal with this anymore and couldn’t be in a relationship.

After all I had sacrificed emotionally and financially, he was just easily done with everything. I took steps to move out. After that point, he didn’t call; he didn’t attempt to communicate at all.

I would have never been happy

At first, I went through hell. Replaying the events and wondering what I could’ve done differently. But looking back, he just wanted to live by his own rules … he clearly was a sociopath.

What is he doing now? I hear he is still living in the same place, filed bankruptcy and works out all the time to make himself look more muscular. He dabbles into drugs and is even further down the wrong path.

I’m just happy that I got out because I would’ve never been happy. He had no care or concern for anyone but his own self. I tried not to blame myself or get depressed. I try to realize that people like this, I call them users, don’t have a heart. They don’t care! They are truly sociopaths and will do whatever they can to win and to live by their own set of rules.

Please learn from my lesson …



414 Comments on "Letters to Lovefraud: The coldest man I’ve ever known"

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  1. Escapee says:

    Hannah

    ‘You’ve been his ‘back burner’ woman – they’ll be others, if not now, in the future regardless of whom he marries/dates. You served your purpose. I would say, forget about telling anyone anything for now – let him whirl and expend your energy on putting yourself back together again.

    As for him ‘coming over’ and the ‘high’ and then the ‘low’ – that’s what it will always be and the lows get lower the longer it goes on. Don’t allow him to use you in this way. It sounds as though, like many of us here – for all different reasons – you didn’t think you deserved better than this. This may be something you may think you need to work through to get to a better place. ???

    This is my take on your situation, as you asked. Start today, go ‘no contact’ (whatever it takes), take control of your life and keep posting here for strength.



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  2. blueskies says:

    I ditto escapee hannah NC!!! :)x (also – its prolly not a good idea to post your e-mail on here maybe you should ask donna to remove your post and re post – she has your email if people want to contact you)



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  3. Escapee says:

    Hannah

    Just a few other thoughts at this ‘desperate’ time. You are going to be very vulnerable so ensure that anyone you confide in is genuine. If you have ‘real’ friends – keep them around you as much as possible while you work through the pain – I know all this sounds obvious but it’s quite common to ‘retreat’ into your own bubble while feeling so ‘bashed’.

    What you bought into was an illusion. The ‘red flags’ (you will hear this phrase often here) were that

    1) He was staying with his girlfriend for financial reasons – your alarm bells should have been ‘clanging’. Would you really want a man in your life who would do such a thing? If this ‘man’ would do this to one woman, why then would he not do it to you? These are the questions you ‘could’ have been asking but you didn’t. This is one of the things that you ‘could’ learn from this experience. It’s all about whether you have been hurt badly enough to want to make better choices for yourself in future ….. but that may be for later.

    2) The Reptilian Stare – there is a weblink somewhere for this but if you google it, you will see it. It states that this is a ‘stare’ that some women mistake for sexual attraction – it isn’t – they are weighing you up. Personally, I think it can be a conscious act. I think some Sociopaths are aware that an intense stare can be construed by the recipient that they are looking into a ‘soul’ they already know hence the whole ‘soulmates’ thing that is so commonly reported here by victims.

    3) The highs followed by the lows are a facet of addicition to the ‘perceived’ loved one (I say ‘perceived’ because I think we fall in love with the ‘illusion’ they choose to create for us (the reality comes later – strangely, their true colours tend to emerge in many cases at the 4 month mark or so into the relationship. But this time you are hooked.

    These ‘red flags’ may help you to understand in hindsight how you got hooked in and, once there, stayed around so long despite all the unacceptable behaviour.

    Keep posting for strength.



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  4. Escapee says:

    Amendment (3) BY this time, you are hooked.



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  5. Hannah_Green says:

    I appreciate everyones comments so much. You are all totally right, and I feel like there are so many people on here that understand me….and I feel like maybe that was the problem before. No one knows how a sociopath can suck you in unless you’ve been involved with one.

    He called me twice today, left one voice mail that said “I love you and I miss you, please call me.”….and you know what? I didn’t. I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and I think that if nothing else is my motivation to never speak to him again. I miss being happy, and I’m going to do everything I possibly can to be happy, no matter what.

    But just knowing there are people out there that understand what Im going through may give me the strength to carry on and stand my ground!

    Lots and lots and lots of love

    Hannah



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  6. blueskies says:

    Hannah, I hope you dont mind me saying, but you seem much more ‘in control’ than when you last posted, a much less desperate feeling Hannah;) and that is wonderful to see:) Keep doing what you are doing (No Contact) keep reading here for strength and ask questions or for support whenever you feel you need to:)

    NC Rocks! No more sick and tired = lots more happy!x



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  7. Escapee says:

    Hannah

    Well done! If you falter, come back here and re-read your own posts and responses /posts from those here at LF who have given you strength previously. Ditto Blueskies really.

    When you’re going through hell, KEEP GOING!



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  8. ErinBrockovich says:

    How is Hannah doing? Check in and let us know.



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  9. muldoon. says:

    God..I could have written almost the same with just the names and places changed…Its like living with a schiophrecnic.



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