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Life is different than I wished, but now I accept what is

By Ox Drover

I’ve been on the “Road to Healing” for a couple of years now, working on getting over the worst of the grief of my losses. According to the author of Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T, the greatest loss known to human kind is loss by deception. I have surely suffered PTSD from the extreme losses by deception that I have suffered.

Ms. Huffer outlines eight steps to recovery for her LAS (Legal Abuse Syndrome), which she shows as caused by the legal abuse that our unfair judicial system heaps upon the heads of those already abused by others. Her eight steps for recovery are basically the recovery from the grief of our losses that we all go through in our attempts to recover.

“Health,” though, according to my education in nursing school, is not a “state of being” that is absolute, but a point on a continuum from Illness to Health. Recovery, I think, too, is a point on a continuum that goes from “Utter Devastation to Recovery.” I have passed the midpoint on that continuum from the point of “utter devastation” from which I found myself after the death of my husband and the coordinated and serial attacks of the psychopaths in my life. I now find myself reaching a point on the Road to Healing/Recovery where I have reached the milestone of Acceptance of WHAT IS, and no longer pine and grieve over WHAT I WISH WAS.

I am no longer feeling the acute pain of grief, I am no longer angry at my abusers, I no longer want to do them harm, in fact, I can actually pray for them with a sincere heart. I don’t trust them at all, of course, nor would I break no contact with them, but the worst of the horrible emotions I felt upon discovering their betrayal are no longer afflicting me. I am closer to Healing and Recovery than I am to the Utter Devastation.

Now what will my life be?

I look in the mirror, and the wrinkles are still there. I get on the scale and the numbers haven’t dropped any. I look at my checkbook, and I’m down a great deal of money from when I started all this journey. I look at the newspapers and the economy is still in the pits. Saturday night comes and there is no one knocking on my door asking me out.

So, how is my life different now than it was when I was feeling the acute grief of the devastation? The facts haven’t changed at all. My attitude about “what is” has changed. I am no longer depressed about the people I have “lost” and I am no longer depressed about the things I have lost. I am accepting of these losses as real. I am accepting that it hurt to lose these things that I thought were mine, or the things that were mine.

I no longer hinge my self respect upon what these formerly significant others think of me. I no longer blame myself. I am able to place the blame where it belongs, on those that hurt me.

I was able to tell my story (debrief) to people who believed IN ME. I processed through the grieving; the denial, the anger, the sadness, the bargaining, and on to acceptance. I worked through my obsession with what had happened in my life. I learned to appropriately place blame where it belonged, and to deshame myself for allowing what happened to happen. I realize that I was conned, in some cases, for a very long time, by people I trusted. I learned that because I am a good and trusting person, I tended to trust others who I thought, wrongly as it turned out, were trustworthy.

I have learned to reframe what happened in light of what I have learned. I have learned that some of the things I “learned” as a child as “truths” are actually untrue.

Because I have gone through these processes in grief and recovery, I am empowered, and realize that I have the new knowledge of new truths that are grounded in reality. I can accept a reality that isn’t what I wish it was, but I can accept it for what it is. The fact that “life is not fair” is a truth. I was treated unfairly, but that no longer defines who I am. I am getting closer and closer each day to Recovery and Healing in spite of what has happened. In fact, because of what has happened to me, I am a stronger, wiser and more knowledgeable person.

Recovery is an exclusive road reserved for the brave who have faced and processed their pain. Debriefing was the first step. Recovery is the last step, which becomes a lifestyle of skilled problem solving. The veteran now meets and solves problems with honed wisdom, courage, and tools. (Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Huffer, Karin.)



48 Comments on "Life is different than I wished, but now I accept what is"

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  1. Joy says:

    Thanks guys, I know that I will never get the closure that I seek. That is half the fun for him, but wonder when I will stop longing for it. In waking hours, he is not so much there anymore, but at night when I’m asleep, he creeps in unawares. I guess the greater meaning of the dream is that I might have hopes to love again. Not right now but maybe one day. My boat guy was the only normal friend that I had in childhood. Always solid from a very traditional family. Successful and driven at a young age. Very introspective and at peace with himself. Doesn’t feel the need to fill every silent moment with words. He did make a point of stating that stability is important to him and that he is exactly the same as I remember in every way that is important. He knows that I’m lonely and vulnerable now and he didn’t try to take advantage of that which I appreciated immensely. Maybe someday a romantic gesture would be nice but for now the hugs and flirting will suffice. Thanks for all your responses. I love this place and those who frequent it with their support, understanding, and wisdom. I’m going back in a few weeks to see my friends and boat man again. My daughter wants to move there, and I’m considering being a dual resident. I miss home and my friends. And it would be nice to be totally removed from the Sp’s world. Don’t have an action plan yet but still strongly considering a partial move.



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  2. Tilly says:

    The latest man to woe me didn’t get far! I will never know if he was a p or not ( I am convinced he is), but the truth is NO-ONE has a chance to get anywhere near me at present. I have always had years between each relationship on my own (with just my kids)…(three to six years), only to end up with yet another p. But it has only been6 months since the last p.
    Now I have more insight, I was never without a p in my life as both my older two children are! ( They have a different father to the youngest).
    So this “poor” psychopath didn’t even get his first chance to humiliate me! Although I think he had a good try in the three weeks i knew him. His last text to me was “der”!
    I was rapt to hear that ox-driver is sixty two. Now I don’t feel I have wasted my life so much. If ox driver can feel that way at sixty two, then maybe I am in with a chance too.
    Thankyou Jim from Indy…your humour helped soften my hardened heart.



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  3. justabouthealed says:

    OxDrover….same here. Click with some fast, but both usually don’t say so or proclaim it in the same way a con does. Good advice from you.



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