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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 1-The Path

A relationship with a sociopath is a traumatic experience. The definition of physical trauma is a serious injury or shock to the body, as with a car accident or major surgery. It requires healing.

On an emotional level, a trauma is wound or shock that causes lasting damage to the psychological development of a person. It also requires healing.

To some degree, we can depend on our natural ability to heal. But just as an untreated broken bone can mend crooked, our emotional systems may become “stuck” in an intermediate stage of healing. For example we may get stuck in anger, bitterness, or even earlier stages of healing, such as fear and confusion.

This article is about my personal ideas about the healing path for full recovery from the emotional trauma caused by a relationship with a sociopath. I am not a therapist, although I have training in some processes and theories of personal and organizational development. My ideas are also the result of years of research into personality disorders, creative and learning processes, family dynamics, childhood development, recovery from addictions and trauma, and neurological research.

After my five-year relationship with a man I now believe to be a sociopath, I was physically and emotionally broken down. I was also terrified about my condition for several reasons. In my mid-fifties, I was already seeing evidence of several age-related diseases. But more worrisome than the premature aging was my social incapacitation. I was unable to talk about myself without crying, unable to do the consultative work I lived on, desperately in need of comfort and reassurance, unable to trust my own instincts.

I had been in long-term relationships almost my entire life. My instinct was to find another one to help me rebuild myself. But I knew that there was no safe “relationship of equals” for me now. I was too messed up. No one would take on someone as physically debilitated and emotionally damaged as I was, without expecting to be paid for it. Likewise, I was afraid of my inclination to bond sexually. The only type of person I could imagine attracting was another predator who would “help” me while draining whatever was left of my material and financial resources.

My challenge

So, for the first time in my life, I made a decision to be alone. Knowing that the relationship with the sociopath had involved forces in my personality that were out of my control, I also decided that my best approach to this recovery was to figure out what was wrong with me and fix it. At the time, I did not understand my role in fostering this relationship, except that I couldn’t get out of it. But I knew that what happened to me with the sociopath wasn’t just about him. It was also about me.

I also made a decision to manage my own recovery. I made this decision for several reasons. One was that no one else really understood the mechanics of this relationship. My friends offered emotional support, but they were as confused as I was about his hold on me and why I could not extricate myself. Second, I found no meaningful assistance from therapists who seemed unable to grasp that this was a traumatic relationship. Third, everyone I knew wanted me to get over it and get on with my life, which was simply impossible to do.

So I was not only alone, but proceeding on a path that no one else supported. I’m not sure where I found the certainty that it was the right thing to do. But I was certain, and I held onto that certainty through the years it took. Today, when I’m essentially at the end of the process, except for the ongoing work on myself that has little to do with the sociopath anymore, I look back at it as the greatest gift I ever gave myself. It was the hardest thing I ever did. And in its own weird way, the most fun.

Here is where I started. I knew that I wanted to discover and neutralize the causes of my vulnerability. I knew that my vulnerabilities pre-dated the sociopath, although he had exploited them and made them worse. I felt like my battered state and particularly the sharp emotional pain gave me something to work with that was clear and concrete, and possibly the emergence from my subconscious of a lot buried garbage that had been affecting my entire life. Ultimately, I did engage a therapist to assist me in uncovering some childhood memories, and then went back to my own work alone.

My personal goal may have been more ambitious than others who come to this site. I not only wanted to heal myself from the damage of this relationship. I intended to accomplish a deep character transformation that would change the way I lived. Before I met him I was superficially successful, but I was also an over-committed workaholic with a history of relationship disasters. Except for a lot of unpublished poetry and half-written books, I had made no progress on lifelong desire to live as a creative writer. I wanted to come out of this as a strong, independent person who could visualize major goals and manage my resources to achieve them.

Because I had no model for what I was trying to do, I did things that felt very risky at the time. For example, I consciously allowed myself to become bitter, an emotion I never allowed myself to feel before, because I was afraid of getting stuck there. I’ll talk about some of these risks in future pieces – what I did and how it came out. I learned techniques that I hear other people talking about here on Lovefraud, things that really helped to process the pain and loss. Some of them I adapted from reading about other subjects. Some of them I just stumbled upon, and later learned about them from books, after I’d begun practicing them.

Though not all of us may think about our recovery as deep transformation work, I think all of us recognize that our beliefs, our life strategies and our emotional capacities have been profoundly challenged. We are people who are characteristically strong and caring. Personal characteristics that seemed “good” to us brought us loss and pain. After the relationship, our challenge is to make sense of ourselves and our world again, when what we learned goes against everything we believed in.

What I write here is not a model for going through this recovery alone. I say I did this alone, but I recruited a therapist when I needed help. I encourage anyone who is recovering from one of these relationships to find a therapist who understands the trauma of abusive relationships, and that recommendation is doubled if, like me, you have other PSTD issues.

The healing path

Given all that, this article is the first of a series about the process of healing fully. I believe that Lovefraud readers who are far down their own recovery paths will recognize the stages. Those who are just recently out of their relationships may not be able to relate to the later stages. But from my experience, my observations of other people’s recovery, and from reading the personal writings on Lovefraud, I think that all of our recovery experiences have similarities.

Since my own intention in healing was to figure out what was wrong with me and fix it, this recovery path is about self-healing, rather than doing anything to or about the sociopath. However there is a stage when we do want that. We want to understand who we were dealing with. We may want recognition of our victimization, revenge or just fair resolution. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way. It is a stage of recovery, and an important one.

My ideas owe a lot to the Kubler-Ross grief model, as well as to recovery processes related to childhood trauma, codependency and addiction. I also owe a great deal to the writing of Stephen M. Johnson, whose Humanizing the Narcissistic Affect and Characterological Transformation: the Hard Work Miracle provided invaluable insights and encouragement.

Here is the path as I see it.

1. Painful shock
2. Negotiation with pain
3. Recognition with the sociopath
4. Anger
5. Measurement of damage
6. Surrender to reality of damage
7. Review of identity after damage
8. Rebuilding life strategies
9. Practice

The words here are very dry, and I apologize for that. The experience, as we all know, is more emotional than intellectual, though it taxes our thinking heavily.

From what I’ve experienced and seen, some of these stages may occur simultaneously. We may feel like we’re in all of them, but working particularly in one stage more than the others. In my case, I often found that I was “going around and around the same mountain,” returning to a previous stage but at a higher level than before.

There is no specific mention of depression in this list. This is because I regard it as a kind of brown-out of our emotional system, when we are simply too overwhelmed by facts and feelings that conflict with our beliefs and identities. Depression can happen at any time in this path, but feelings of depression are most likely to occur in Stage 6. Terrible as depression may feel, I believe it is evidence of a deep learning process, where our conscious minds are resisting new awareness that is developing at a deeper level.

This path is a model of adult learning. It would be equally valid in facing and surmounting any major life change. If you are familiar with the Kubler-Ross grief model which was developed to describe the challenges involved with bereavement, this model will look familiar. It is essentially an extension of Kubler-Ross into a post-traumatic learning model. The trauma may be the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a job loss or change, or any of the major stressors of life.

This is all about learning and evolving. If the path is traveled to its end, we emerge changed but improved and empowered. We have given up something to gain something more. The fact that this change is triggered by trauma may cause us to think that it’s a bad thing for a while, but ultimately we come to realize that we have not only recovered from a painful blow, we have truly become more than we were before.

What drives us to heal

The future articles in this series will explore the stages, their value to us and how we “graduate” from one to the next.

Our struggle to get over this experience involves facing our pain, which is the flip side of our intuitive knowledge of we need and want in our lives. Those needs draw us through the recovery process, like beacons on a far shore guide a ship on a stormy sea. To the extent that we can bring these needs up into conscious awareness, we can move through the path more directly, because it programs our thinking to recognize what helps and what does not.

Here are a few ideas about where we think we’re going. I hope they will stimulate some discussion here, and that you will add your own objectives to the list.

1. To relieve the pain
2. To release our unhealthy attachment to the sociopath
3. To recover our ability to love and trust
4. To recover confidence that we can take care of ourselves
5. To recover joy and creativity in our lives
6. To gain perspective about what happened
7. To recover the capacity to imagine our own futures

Finally, I want to say again how grateful I am to be writing here on Lovefraud. As you all know, it is not easy to find anyone who understands our experience or what it takes to get over it.

I have been working on a book about this recovery path for several years. The ideas I’m presenting here have been developed in solitude, and “tested” to a certain extent in coaching other victims of sociopathic relationships who entered my life while I was working on my own recovery. But I’ve never had the opportunity before to share them with a group of people who really know and understand what I am talking about.

I respect every stage of the recovery path – the attitudes and voices of those stages, their perspectives and the value they provide to us. So if you find me more philosophic, idealistic or intellectual than you feel right now, believe me that I have been through every bit of it. If you had met at different places on the path, you would have found a stunned, weepy, embittered, distraught, outraged or depressed person. I was in the angry phase for a very long time. I had reason to feel that way, and it was the right way for me to be at the time.

I believe the stages are a developmental process that builds, one stage to the next, to make us whole. I also believe that this healing process is natural to us, and what I’m doing here is describing something that has been described by many people before me, but not necessarily in this context.

Your thoughts and feedback are very important to me.

Namaste. The healing wisdom in me salutes the healing wisdom in you.

Kathy



657 Comments on "After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 1-The Path"

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  1. darwinsmom says:

    Sunflower,

    Your story sounds pretty familiar to me and actually not that different from mine… except perhaps the attractive part. I was NOT interested at all in the ex-spath when I first met him, nor even when he started to target me. The last thing I expected from myself was to even have a fling with him, let alone a long distance relationshit. And the last thing I expected was for him to be even be interested in the long distance relationshit. I basically rolled into it, thinking it was rather casual and meaningless. ANd yet before I knew it I ended up pulling him to me and kiss him. Before I knew it he started to introduce me as his fiance and his wife (though he hadn’t even asked me at all) and I started to think, “Why not? What’s the harm in trying? He’s not the love of my life, so I can get out anytime I want to. I’ll just postpone the decision.” And I postponed and postponed and postponed until he made the decision.

    It was all pure oxytocine addiction and trauma bonding for me. And it sounds like it was like that for you too.

    When it was over I had a good network of friends, family, a job, professional hobby career on the side (adventure tourleading in the summer). And it all unraveled before my eyes, except for the good friends and family. Lost the job, the trip with tourists in Peru was a mental and emotional hell. In just a few months everything else seemed to have died off, beyond my will. That’s when the depressive phase came and I felt a total failure. But that also made me re-examine myself and gave me time to do some healing creative projects, and made me decide to start an extra bachelor and master. Having a full time, secure job was not my priority last year. I went looking for interim jobs when I started to feel better about myself, more organized again (rather than dysfunctional) and needed the money. I had already had major insights by then about myself, and it wasn’t so much about him anymore. And while doing the jobs I noticed that I already had made a major leap in boundaries and keeping emotional distance from incidents and events. That did spur my recovery on, by gaining more self-confidence, because I could see I was having much better results. The job and socialising weren’t catalysts of healing, but they were like a feedback or a mirror for me to see where I was in my recovery process.

    For me my recovery process (and I include the unraveling part with recovery) took as much time as it needed. It couldn’t have been sped up.



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  2. Truthspeak says:

    Sunflower, the veil is, indeed, lifting and many, many truths are about to be revealed – most of them aren’t going to be pleasant because those truths are about US, not THEM. You’re on the brink of a breakthrough.

    Like the process of birth, a personal breakthrough can be quite painful, but there IS a point where amazement and epiphany merge after the breaking-through. You’re pushing your way through a thick membrane of guilt, shame, and cog/diss – all at the same time. Once the veil lifts, and your eyes become adjusted to the light, things become so clear that it would be comical if it weren’t so frigging tragic, at the same time.

    “Healing The Shame That Binds You” is (I think) the title of the most pivotal book that I”ve ever read about my personal recovery. I’ve read many, many publications that discussed narcissism and sociopathy in general and detailed terms, but there hasn’t been a whole lot in the way of recovery – I haven’t read Donna’s book, yet, and I am REALLY looking forward to the time that I can order both of them (along with Travis’ story). I digress….the book that I mentioned opened a tightly sealed door that I made the choice to pry open and step through. And, I’m so grateful that I did.

    You’re going to be FINE, Sunflower – really, you are. The healing process isn’t warm and fuzzy, by any stretch of the imagination, but the personal clarity is (for lack of a better description) simply breathtaking. It can be a series of the most empowering “Ah…HAH” moments we’ll ever experience during our lifetimes. Hang in there, and gird your loins and don your chain-mail. Put on your war-face and fear no darkness – you’re getting BEYOND that need for fear!

    Brightest and most encouraging blessings



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  3. Truthspeak says:

    As a complete aside and utterly off-topic, I really wish that we could all gather around a table with some good, yummy coffee and croissants, and meet one another. This site and each and every one of you has become so dear and important to me on my healing path.

    Hugs



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  4. Alive says:

    Back_from_the_edge,

    Actually I am in the same boat
    as you are in some aspects Dupey!
    I have found myself thinking just stay
    home treat yourself well and don’t ever
    look back and make the same mistake.
    I too am so tired and have some health issues.

    I guess I feel the need to allow myself
    to go out and date a couple of times to
    see where I am? Mostly because I want
    to be social like I use to be and I guess
    I am pushing myself a little bit to give
    myself a chance of a relationship or
    friendships. I don’t have many friends
    because I have no time for drama either.
    It is much safer being at home in my safe
    zone. But this is not where I want to stay
    simply because I am trying to stretch my
    muscles again and be apart of my community.
    Am I afraid? I am, yes…. Am I ready for a
    relationship that requires a lot of attention?
    I have this view point on that….that if the
    relationship can be supported both ways,
    from the man and woman with understanding
    then its a good thing,— if not then with due
    respect it wont last anyway as with most
    relationships or friendships. I realize that we
    sometimes have to give to a relationship
    more than the other and thats ok for a little
    while….. I dont think I am ready for a
    relationship that is going to commit. Not yet.

    My motivation is to give myself a chance!
    I have never been in a corner like this
    spath relationship has put me in and I
    don’t EVEN want to let IT keep me here….
    after all he is remarried and like no
    problem on his way with his life…..
    I feel that I should be on my way also…
    doesnt mean that I have to remarry, just
    means I am going to do my best to be
    social and connect with another.

    As you can see I am trying to sort out
    my feelings on this blog in which I believe
    is helping me. Though many of us are on
    similar paths, there is variations of healing.

    I feel so sad that so many of us are so stung that we as women can’t get out and breathe! Maybe I am stubborn headed, but I can’t help it!

    I am so FOR YOU ALL! I want you to know that!

    Blessings and thank you so much for your reply!

    Alive



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  5. Alive says:

    Truthspeaks,

    I agree, I wish so much that there was a way for us all to gather around a table and have danish rolls and coffee! It would do us good I believe! In many aspects you all are my counselors right now LOL…

    Alive



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  6. petite says:

    hi all,
    yes, I wish we could meet. I have been very fortunate to meet Oxy in person and spend a few days on her farm and was nearly on the verge of meeting Sky, when my trip to USA was cancelled.
    when you do plan to meet, please let me know, I will make a special trip to USA to meet all you nice, caring and considerate posters.
    petitie



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  7. Sunflower says:

    Oh that would be a dream come true! I’m so glad I found this site, you are my best supporters and I am truly forever grateful 🙂

    Darwinsmom: Yes, I think you are on to something. My therapist says I have suffered tremendous neglect in my childhood and my dream has been to be loved. It was the one he used against me. When I think about it, I’ve probably never, since I was small, felt loved. I was not allowed to show any emotions, I’d be punished. My mother couldn’t deal with others being happy so if I had something good she’d destroy it. I rarely got any kind of body contact, like a good hug, so when someone suddenly came and gave it to me I was hooked right away. I had been single for many years and I was really longing for closeness. I see we share similar features in our relationships, I also had the same thoughts going on, except I didn’t like him. “And I postponed and postponed and postponed until he made the decision” – I can relate, yes.
    I can honestly say, based on this information, I didn’t love him. I’m sorry, but I didn’t. My brain loved the chemicals, it could just as well have been heroin instead of him.

    Thruthy: You are spot on. I thoroughly enjoyed the video’s and it really made me think. I’ve ordered the book and I’m looking forward to read it. Ok, I’ll hang on in there. It’s a breakthrough and even though it feels bad it’s really a good thing. It will serve me later on.



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  8. Back_from_the_edge says:

    Alive: (and hello to everyone else today!)

    😛

    I am doing so much better these days.
    I have the chaos and drama away from me,
    almost 99.9% (hopefully it will stick).

    NOW is the time for reflection and putting my mind, heart and body
    back together again. Not only has this experience devastated me
    emotionally and psychologically, it has also taken a HUGE TOLL on
    my body physically. It was just like wrestling with the devil ITSELF.

    “IT” was the ‘reason’ I eventually have found some peace and tranquility in my life; as ironic as that may sound.

    For two years + I believed all the death threats.
    I was threatened, manipulated and tortured into submission
    by this very charming, psychopath, who has been OBSESSED
    with me for almost 13 years now. Stalked and stalked and
    stalked some more. Not just by “IT” but by other minions
    it has recruited along the way. WHO KNOWS what is out
    there wishing me harm anymore?

    It’s alright. I have found the physical strength to allow myself
    the emotional strength to rise above this whole ‘roadshow’ and
    to see it for what it really HAS BEEN. A disordered person who
    desperately needs some help. Here, where I am, they can FORCE
    NOBODY into treatment of any kind unless a violent crime has been
    committed or it is done voluntarily. HEAVY EMPHASIS on the
    ‘voluntarily’. It’s all so backwards.

    Anyways: I cringe when I think of being with another man,
    these days. After everything I have been through, it isn’t
    likely I will ever cultivate any further relationships with a man.

    I enjoy my time alone, very much, and don’t feel I should have
    to take care of ANY MOTHERS SON. lol

    I am just about free now except for an occasional minion….
    We know how to handle minions, hm?

    :::BLOCK:::DELETE:::

    NC is just about complete.
    It will be complete when I change my address.
    Not ‘because’ of it but IN SPITE of it.

    Happy day you guys.

    Dupey



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  9. bluemosaic says:

    Gm All,

    Before I met my spath, I had a habit of starting my day in prayer and meditation. Today, I meditated on this quote I found here, frow an LF angel : )

    “be wise as a serpent , and harmless as a dove. ”

    Peace

    Bluemosaic



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