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The Mask of a Sociopath

By Peggywhoever

All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.

This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.

And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.

And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when…after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone…I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.

From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have…and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.

Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.

I equate the mask with a coin…beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.

I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful…seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.

After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).

They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you…that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.

It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone…within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again…unless there is something very specific they want from you.

And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.

It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human”…I prefer to think of them as aliens).

No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.



231 Comments on "The Mask of a Sociopath"

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  1. hottytoddy93 says:

    WOW…JUST WOW. this is SO accurate it’s like reading my story with my socio husband. unreal the way you all tell these things. exactly!!! he left when i was nearly dead last year. i caught him cheating and he kept telling profuse lies. i realized EVERYTHING ALWAYS had been a lie. he turned evil at that moment and ran away, left me and my daughter he adopted one yr earlier. he hid at his parents, filed an order of protection against me (i was 74 lbs & on oxygen at home), had his parents file orders too because he made me out to be the bad guy & he of course the victim, and he filed divorce alleging i had done something to him within 2 wks of leaving me. never had this “precious, loving” man even uttered the word divorce. now when we speak he cusses and yells at me. he had NEVER done that before. so WOW…YES, this is it!

    btw, i got a lot better after he left! no longer dying. INTERESTING how quick the turnaround…some suspect he was poisoning me. guess i’ll never know for sure. definitely psychological and sexual poisoning because i developed autoimmune diseases and cancer after our relationship began. he was sleeping with other women and then me in the same few hrs all the time. it made me so sick until he left. i am now federally disabled from it all. oh, and he left me with all the debt and i had to file bankruptcy too.

    his parents pressed criminal charges against me for calling their house to try to speak to him… “harassment?” God only knows what garbage he told them. i went to jail weighing under 80 lbs and not understanding what the hell was happening. it’s so twisted. NOW i know EXACTLY what the deal is. i didn’t know then what i know now from reading about this. it’s amazing how many people don’t realize what a sociopath is…TERRIFYING!



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  2. peggywhoever says:

    hottoddy93:

    We must’ve been seeing the same guy. Ha, they’re all (almost) the same, aren’t they. Just like out of the same batch of cookies, and using the same cookie cutter!

    Unreal, isn’t it?

    OMG, I have heard the poisoning from other victims. Did he have a life insurance policy on you? Mine tried (unsuccessfully) to get me on his life insurance (of course for my own protection…to pay off my house if something happened to HIM as I would presumably have been on his life insurance, too). Thank goodness I didn’t do that or I believe (truly) I would have had an “accident”.

    They say terrible things, all lies, and yes they are very twisted. Yes again, this experience can be frightening. Sociopaths are very believeable. I am sorry you went through this.

    How are you feeling now? You sound much stronger and healthier!

    Blessings and Peace,
    Peggy

    (P.S. Sorry I didn’t respond earlier…I am very much “in like” at the moment and having so much FUN I don’t check in here often!



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  3. behind_blue_eyes says:

    OMG, November 29th, 2008 — that is the date I met Jamie!

    Thankfully, I was not with him long enough to do any damage to me other than emotional. Consider the possibilities of what could have happened had the relationship continued and i moved 3000 miles to be with him, not knowing at the time open-heart surgery was down the road for me.

    Finding out abut him via an accident is a good thing too. Otherwise, I would have been really down on myself for “messing up” chances with such a “good guy.”

    From day one, we talked a lot about honesty and openness. While Jamie admitted he needed to be more open, I took that to mean about feelings, not about significant aspects of his life that he was hiding from me.

    In retrospect, I was actually a bit embarrassed about that. Jamie must have taken me for either being completely naive or a fool. Once I found what I found and figured him out, sometimes I wish I had the strength at that time to confront him. However, now I realize it would have done no good, There is no closure with a sociopath other than moving on.



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  4. OxDrover says:

    Dear Hoddytoddy,

    Yes, sorry I didn’t see your post to welcome you to LF I hope you are still here reading. Welcome! I hope you are somewhat better physically now, but I know it will take time for the emotional healing and I hope now that you know you were dealing with that can flow forward as well. God bless.

    Blue-eyes, you are neither naive nor a fool!!! Just human! Humans sometimes fall in love with their heart when their heads should have said NO!!! But that makes you human. Jamie doesn’t have the capability to fall in love–so what does that make him? Not sure but he isn’t someone you want a relationship with. At the very least he is DISHONEST. That right there is enough of a RED FLAG to make him a “no go.”

    Not being open from the start about an HIV+ status is deception, and deception by ommission is the same as a lie!

    YOU can make your own closure because you know what he was, what he is, and regardless of the package it comes in, a liar and a deceiver isn’t something you want.



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  5. Buttons says:

    Hottytoddy93, God bless you. You’re at the right place.



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  6. charles says:

    See, the reason I have felt Hinda Bakkali was a love scammer.. is because she truly put herself into my life. She seemed to really like me a lot.

    She was flirty and goofy with me. She wanted me to download whatsapp so she could keep in contact with me. She called me several times after I went back home to the USA. She told me how excited she was for me to come back to the UK.

    She arranged things with Imy so she could come with us on our tour. She told me about her crush she has on me, and on tour she asked me to kiss her.

    She was so kind, generous, sweet, romantic, and showed me so much attraction. She and I had intimate times before our Nikah. She was so seductive. She said if we had a nikah we could have made love as things were getting tempting between us.

    She seemed to be perfect for me. We got along so well, and enjoyed so many experiences together. It felt like we were soulmates. She told me we needed a nikah because of the intimacy we were having, and said we needed to have the nikah to do these things in a halal way.

    She told me she wanted to have me in her life, and never drift apart. She wanted me to move to the UK. I made personal life sacrifices to make sure I moved to the UK for us to be together.

    After so much time together, so many experiences.. I truly thought she really had fallen in love with me. So when I had the nikah with her, I didn’t expect for her to tell me in Egypt that she didn’t love me. After the nikah, she was less intimate, and didn’t seem to be all that into it.

    I was on honeymoon with her in Dubai, and I didn’t expect her to be away. She setup plans to be away without even asking me if that would be ok with me. The first of the trip was me getting her a number of expensive things in the mall. Then, she was away with her family, and also she arranged a friend to fly in from out of town. Both of these plans couldn’t include me.

    I was so excited to spend as much time with her as possible, but it appeared to me she was looking for more ways to get herself away from me. When she was away, and I was just feeling bummed about being alone and missing her.. I didn’t expect the way she treated me about it. Instead of seeing that I missed her as being a sweet thing, seeing the value I held having her in my life.. I couldn’t understand why she accused me of trying to make her feel guilty, and say I was childish and selflish.. and then she spoke of some negative feeling she didn’t believe would ever go away… and she wanted to leave and not spend the remainder of our honeymoon together. I didn’t understand why she twisted me missing her, into trying to make her feel guilty, or tell me how childish and selfish I was — simply because I wanted to spend my honeymoon with my wife.

    I couldn’t understand why after she told me she wanted to take my last name that she would treat me the way she did so suddenly. I thought for sure after all the history we had together, that she and I would make up when I simply left because she was treating me so harshly suddenly. She was being mean, manipulative, twisting my words around, distant, and avoiding me.. I told her if this is how she was going to treat me, then she could go back to her life.

    Looking at all the things we had done together, I believed she and I would be together for the rest of our lives. When she asked me for a lot of expensive things, I gave them to her without hesitation– because I truly believed she and I would be married for the rest of our lives, because that’s what she said she wanted.

    So when she wouldn’t make up with me.. wouldn’t give me a chance to get back together with her after I left.. I couldn’t make sense of it. I really couldn’t.

    Sure, she was mean to me and twisted things around on me simply because I missed her.. and suddenly treated me in a very different way than she always had through all the previous months of having each other in our lives. No one is perfect, and I fully accepted her with all my heart.. I wanted her – that’s it!

    I was willing to forgive and let all that go.. and just get back to normal.. but when she continued to be very mean.. and not give me a chance.. I started to look at all the things I just barely got for her which cost quite a bit. I started to feel that her intentions for having a life with me were a mask in order for me to provide her all the trips, money, and things… then suddenly end things after she received these things.

    Simply guessing whether our relationship was fake, because she wouldn’t make up with me.. caused her to ask for a divorce. I was further shocked. Didn’t she know how much she meant to me? Didn’t I mean something to her? She was the one who told me she had a crush on me, and that she never wanted to see us drift apart. Now she was treating me this way, and wanted a divorce? I felt scammed after getting her so many things.. and canceled her ticket.. but canceling the ticket came with an undo button, and I still tried to make up with her.. but she wouldn’t.

    So all of a sudden she was telling me she didn’t have feelings for me, didn’t love me, and to move on.. let her go. But this was immediately after she received so many things from me, and attempted to get her house paid off, and get a new expensive car for herself.

    I was always happy to get her the things she wanted, but my goal was to keep her and never let her go.. and I simply just wanted her to keep treating me with the respect she always had shown me. Suddenly, that respect was gone.. and it wasn’t coming back.

    She became very cruel. She was calling me names. She was accusing me of what I did or didn’t do. She made assaults against my character. She made several disparaging remarks, and even went to traffic monsoon groups to cause fear among others involved in the business. She had to be removed from these groups.

    On the front end she was very beatiful, wonderful, sweet, kind, loving, religious.. but then suddenly she showed me a whole different side to her.

    I did still love her, and tried to salvage the relationship– but at each attempt I found that she was so unwilling to be understanding, sensitive, or show me any of the sweetness she once used to show me. She became heartless, cold, and unfeeling. She was unsympathetic, she began to lie, and berate me.

    So I looked at the context of all this– immediately after she received so much money, trips, and things.. she was suddenly finished. Suddenly she didn’t want to spend time with me and chose to treat me with great disrespect instead.

    Suddenly after receiving so much, she did all she could to remove me from her life. It appeared so clear to me that she had gotten married for the wrong reasons. She wasn’t married with me for me, or to keep me.. but it did appear that way from the start.

    Nothing I did came without an undo button, and certainly nothing I said or did couldn’t be forgiven. She simply chose to use these reasons against me, when at first she was the one who suddenly pulled herself away from me, and treated me the way she did.. her actions and treatment towards me showed me the true intentions. She really didn’t want me, or have any real feelings for me like it appeared she had before the nikah.

    Such a short marriage… and her now telling me we just aren’t compatible.. don’t have enough in common.. but before the nikah it did feel we were perfect for one another, and she truly gave me many reasons why she felt we were compatible for having a happy life together.

    Such a short marriage and all the ways she benefited from me.. all the money she received from me.. trips.. expensive things… all these things in such a short time.. then suddenly over. It truly does appear that she only intended to use me. From that point forward, she had given me a glimpse for us getting back together, and I gave her more money, more trips, and she has tried to get more things from me… but in the end, she has told me simply she doesn’t feel anything for me.. nothing would ever happen between us ever again.. and to move on.



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