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Forgiving Yourself for Being Human

By Ox Drover

In my journey toward healing from life’s pains, and from the PTSD and the pains caused by the trauma from the psychopaths, I think one of the hardest things has been to forgive myself.

I was raised in an abusive Christian atmosphere with a terrible, impossible definition of “forgiving others,” no matter what they did, no matter if they weren’t sorry, or how likely they were to repeat the abuse to me. I was programmed to try to meet my obligation to “forgive” when there was NO WAY I was going to trust them again. How could I?

While this previous “definition” of forgiveness of others who are unrepentant has changed post-trauma to a definition of getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they did, but it does NOT INCLUDE restoration of TRUST or “pretending it didn’t happen.”

That done, I recently had an “ah ha” experience about “FORGIVING MYSELF” for the things I have done to others that were less than stellar acts. Acts that were down right nasty, vengeful, spiteful, etc.

Some of you may have read my little “parable” about how none of us would hold a grudge or get mad at our little pet dog that was injured and lying on the street with a broken leg, if we were to rush to our puppy’s aid, and in its blinding pain and fear it lashed out at us when we tried to pick it up and it bit us. That would be a totally different reaction on our parts from the way we would react to a dog that bit us every time we went to pet it or feed it, would attack us in our sleep or when our back was turned. Few of us would keep the “psychopathic dog” very long, but we would not at all be angry with our pet that bit us in his fear and pain. We would be understanding and compassionate, though the wound was deep and hurt like heck!

The old saying “there are two sides to every story” is one we have all heard, and many times that is true. There are in the above story two VIEWS—the one of the owner, and the one of the dog.

Many years ago I fell on some brick steps and hit my shin so hard that a huge bruise immediately rose up on my shin the size of half a large grapefruit. The injury was so unexpected, and so sudden, and so painful, that when my beloved husband reached out to extend me a hand to help me up, I immediately struck out verbally and actually SNARLED at him, “DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Another time, a couple of nights after my husband’s tragic and sudden death, a beloved friend of our family was there to console us, she had driven over seven hours to be there. She was very anxious and just kept chattering and chattering. In my pain, the sound of her voice was agony, and I asked her to please be quiet and go to sleep, which then upset her more and made her more anxious and she chattered louder and longer. I finally got up in her face and seething in rage, looked at her and told her to “Shut your lips, if another word or sound comes out of them I will hit you.” Right at that moment in my horrible pain I could have done so. I could actually have hit someone I dearly loved who is in no way anything but loving to me.

Looking back over these instances, I realized in my “ah ha” moment, that there are various things like this that I have done in my life that I am sure not proud of. In pain at various times I have struck out at the very people I loved who were there for me. I have also struck out at the psychopaths many times. I have said things and done things that I am sure not proud of. I have hurt people who loved me and were only trying to comfort me in my pain.

I also realized in my “ah ha” moment that I have not forgiven myself for these things. They still make me feel bad about myself, guilty, shamed, and imperfect.

How do I forgive myself for these things? Restore my own self esteem and trust in myself? I realize that I am human, and looking at the “parable” of the injured dog from the dog’s view point, I realize that those that love me realize, just like the little dog’s owner, that I was striking out in intense pain, and that those people still love me, and forgive me. That I also should realize that I have forgiven them when in their own pain they might have hurt me, so why am I holding myself to a higher standard than I hold others to? Why am I not allowing myself the same forgiveness that I extend to others, even the psychopaths?

I realized that I need to get the bitterness against MYSELF out of my own heart for being human. I acknowledge the wrongful acts I did in striking out at others, even the psychopaths, I feel great remorse for these acts, I have “repented” (made a promise to myself and others that I will not repeat this type of behavior), I have apologized, made restitution if I could, and in short, done everything I can to “make up for” these acts. The people I wronged (except for the psychopaths) have all forgiven me, and restored me to a trusting position in their lives, so I should also forgive myself and trust myself. Being in pain is no “excuse” for biting a lovingly extended hand, but it is definitely understandable.

My forgiving others, getting the bitterness out of my heart so that it does not hurt me, is important, I think, but forgiving myself, I think is just as important. My unkind acts or verbal assaults toward the psychopath did not “ruin the relationship.” If I had been perfect it would not have improved the one-sided relationship of all-taking on their part and all-giving on mine. My failure to please them was not my “fault” in any way. No one could have pleased them. My failure to see that and to cut the relationship sooner, to set boundaries and enforce them, rather than trying to placate them by allowing their abuse was not “right,” it wasn’t a good decision, but it is understandable considering the pain that I was in. It is now time to forgive myself for being human, for being fallible and making mistakes, and for even doing things I knew were wrong.



255 Comments on "Forgiving Yourself for Being Human"

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  1. Ox Drover says:

    QUOTE BLOGGERT7165: Also as I said in the other post I was reading an article today that had a quote, attributed to the Talmud and it is simple, direct, and profound: “We do not see things as they are; we see them as we are.”

    This, I think, is right on the mark when it comes to many issues in dealing with psychopaths. We did not see them as they really were we saw them as we were. And after the pain and hurt we often see others not as they really are but as we now are. The world goes from light to dark not because the world changed but because we changed. Nothing about people or the world was any different the day before we met the psychopath and nothing was different the day after we met them other than us.”

    I’m glad I read through the comments on this thread again, I hadn’t in quite some time. There are some pretty profound comments here. I think this one from BloggerT is one of the best!

  2. dancingnancies says:

    I agree, that is a really profound statement. It underscores the entire involvement with the psychopath, really. They observe you, try to mirror your fantasy, and then we, thinking that the smokes and mirrors, the flimsy cardboard cut out that they present to us is the real thing, begin to act as if they are the illusion they pretend to be.. we relate to them as if they were “Just Like Us” as they so eagerly try to present themselves.. that’s where the duping lies. Sooner or later we realize that it was Satan himself maneuvering behind the cardboard cut out, which has even included holes for eyes, to make it seem more realistic. To our shock and horror, we’ve invited the Devil himself into our gardens, into our homes, into our most sacred and private places ( our minds, our hearts, our souls ) all because we believed the mask. We didn’t see the pointy ears poking out on the sides, the spiked tail.. the blood shot, deviant eyes.. or maybe we caught glimpses, but our fears were only reassured with more lies..

  3. Ox Drover says:

    I can especially tell how I am different in my reading of the Bible now, now that I am no longer looking through the lens of my egg donor’s interpretation of the scriptures, and am more free to read them and interpret them for myself, without hearing her voice telling me that it really means “X” when it clearly says “Y.” Just an entirely different lens through which I view things, than I did before. Nothing about the words on the pages have changed, but only my EYES. Only my interpretation. Only my LIFE. BIG DIFFERENCE though.

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