It has been five years since the sociopath was arrested and I was set free. Five years of growth, of change, of healing.
Five years of pain and sorrow leading the way to laughter and joy, abundance and gratitude.
Five years after the ending of that debacle, I am grateful that I no longer have to think about him, or worry about him, or do things because of him, or even for him.
Five years of growing into doing for me. Living for me. Turning up for me without fear.
What a difference time makes.
As I look back to those days when my life was narrowly defined by what he wanted, he said, he needed, he dictated, I am in awe of how far I’ve come, by how much has changed.
I am in awe.
Of who I have become, who I am, how I’ve changed.
In these five years I have found my voice and claimed my right to use it proudly. Sure, I had a voice before the sociopath rode in. And, I had a voice while with him. Even before him however, I never truly knew how to use my voice. I never truly knew the unique qualities of my voice.
When I met him, he told me how sweet my voice sounded. I believed him and asked him to tell me more. And he did. Beautiful, round, plump words of affirmation that seduced me with the sound of his voice echoing my words. And then, time moved on and his words became bitter and harsh. The sound of my voice irritated him and frightened me. I grew silent. Afraid. Lost. In my silence, I lost my ability to speak up, to voice my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas. I lost my ability to recognize my very own unique voice.
Five years since the moment of his arrest, I have found my voice again.
Hear me roar.
My voice is no longer a dulcet tone sweetly singing a serenade befitting his promises of love everlasting. Of gentle words calling out for his love undying, his love forever more. My voice is no longer a plaintive ode running away from the truth of his deceit and my betrayal ringing loud and clear through every note.
Today, my voice is a mighty roar. It is power. It is strength. It is courage. It is my truth spoken in love because I have the courage to stand up for me and speak without fear of ever being judged unlovable, unwanted, unworthy.
I am worthy.
Today, my voice is a song of freedom. Pure. Clear. Powerful. My voice carries. It carries me through tough times, hard times, over rocky ground and inclement weather.
My voice is strong. My voice is the sound of me standing up for what I believe in, what I desire, what I deserve. My voice is speaking up for me and speaking out against that which I cannot stand up for without fearing ridicule or dissension. With my voice I know, disagreement does not equal rejection. With my truth spoken clearly, I no longer reject my voice or allow it to be turned off by someone else’s assertions that they hold the only truth I need to hear.
My voice is fearless. My voice is caring. My voice is loving. My voice is unique.
Long ago I lost my voice beneath the sadness of loving a man whom I did not deserve. Long ago, I buried my voice beneath the sorrow of loving a man who was untrue.
Today, I claim my right to speak up. To be heard. To be counted on and counted in. Today, I let go of searching for meaning in someone else’s words because I know my own truth. When I speak for who I am and what I believe in, I am free to live in love with all of me. Fearlessly. Effortlessly. With grace and ease.
Once upon a time, I lost my voice. Today, I speak up, passionately, courageously, fearlessly. In having moved away from those days of loathing the sound of my own voice, I know what was can never be because what was with him was only fantasy.
Today, I step fearlessly into the truth. My voice is unique. Hear me roar.
And in my voice, I invite you to claim your truth as well. Your voice is unique. Let it roar.