10 tactics for child custody battles with sociopaths

Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.

Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:

I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.

By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.

The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.

I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.

The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.

Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.

Get him or her to walk away

If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.

You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.

Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.

Tactics in custody battles

I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.

If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:

1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.

2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.

3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.

4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.

5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.

6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.

7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.

8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.

9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.

10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.

Post your suggestions

I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.

If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.

813 Comments on "10 tactics for child custody battles with sociopaths"

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  1. Keep_going says:

    I don’t know what to do or where to go for help. I’ve been in a custody battle for 1 year with my ex, he’s a psychopath. I’m currently still fighting the legal system in a very small town in north Carolina which seems to have no rights for mothers or women in general. This man has (and there is solid propaganda evidence) WRONGFULLY claimed jurisdiction in NC. We lived in one state together, state A, he took a job opportunity offer in state B, so we both moved,even though separated, to state B. We left separetly. I ended up in state b, he never showed up, had our son, and ended up in NC and began working and living with his dad. I had to go up to NC, get my son, which took a week of constantly delaying giving him back. Before leaving state a, we agreed we would never go to court and settle things on our own as we would both be in state A. because of him, we then had to travel and meet in the middle, 4 states away, every month-to-month from the time our son was 2.5 til currently. He kept telling me he was still planning on moving to state B. After a few months, he tells me he’s not happy in NC, and I am also unhappy with job situations in state B, so we begin discussing moving to state C. HE AGREES and tells me to go out and investigate the area. I go.I have family and friends there and find the rent/ job situation is better. I send him notifications that we should discuss this option. On my way driving back to state b, where I live, I find he has taken temporary full custody and I have court in NC in 4 DAYS and he sends me an email to inform me this and says “you don’t have to show up”. I drove over 2,000 miles while finding a lawyer (the town he is in had 2- his lawyer and mine. Nearby lawyers were not willing to travel to their county) and finally arrived in state b awaiting the official court documents to see on what grounds he took my son from me. Every single item was fraudulent. He even claimed I was living currently in a city I had never even been to except to drive through, months earlier. His lawyer just wrote it all up without checking facts and took immediate action- custody away from me. I showed up in court in NC and the judge didn’t even want to hear our case because the sheriff hadn’t been served notice I was served. The judge ordered we continued month on month off until an official court date. That was April 2015. Come July, I hear “it fell off their radar”. We finally got a hearing for late October. The court house is 700 miles from where I live in state b. I keep hearing, from April til October, it will be “any month”. My job situation is NOT GOOD. I keep hearing it will be next month. “In a couple weeks, stay posted” etc. How do you plan your life like that?! In the meantime, I’m hearing I should make my life look obviously stable for my son. Have everything in place, his own room, sign the lease on the apartment in state c, find schools, etc. I do all this. Once I heard in July court would be in late October, I moved our things out to this apartment and have it all set. I scrounged my savings and worked odd jobs making ends meet. Our apartment is amazing, spacious, put together, clean, etc. His dad lives in a cluttered house with his dad and step mom, and him and my son share a bedroom. There is no private space and no kitchen table to do workbooks or crafts or eat meals as a family. I research everywhere what courts look for in a custody case to determine custodial parent. I nail all of it. October 26 is the hearing. I pack my duffer bag and fly from state c to state b, and drive 700 miles to NC for court. October 25 8 pm, I’m told we don’t have court next day. Maybe April. October 27 at noon I’m sent a text to come in at 2. We have court that day and the next. After that week, we’re told we will continue in early December. His whole family lied through their teeth on the stand, saying I abandoned my son leaving state a. I had piles of evidence proving otherwise. His family used the Bible belt small town “we go to church” as a rouse. His dad NEVER went to Church and here they all are lying. They had no evidence against me. I had BOXES. His lawyer asked the judge to make sure I wasn’t allowed to go back home (now state c) until the end of the next hearing. I had packed 1 bag for a week. I got a job in state b, worked and waited. December rolls around… January my lawyer and I try deposing one of my witnesses by phone since everyone in my support system is between 2,000-700 miles away. His lawyer THROWS it out and slaps me with a protective order motion. I’m also not allowed to bring any affidavits. No one knows when to go up to testify for me as I’ve been given sometimes 2 hours to 4 days notice. People have jobs and families. I get 1 friend to come testify for me, and they tell her to just go home, they don’t have time to use her. This was in February when we finally had court again. His lawyer said the phone deposition she was given notice for on Dec 28 for January 18 wasn’t enough notice. I’m given at most 4 days notice. His dad has twisted google documents and forged them saying he can claim him on his taxes Every year. He has claimed him every year since he was born, never saving the money or using it for our son. He said in 2014 I could claim him. He always has to have control “you may claim him” like its his call. But then he claimed him behind my back and my taxes got rejected by the IRS!!! HE USED THAT $ to get a lawyer. He told my family he wanted to rent their house before all this happened. They HAD a rental property for 40+ years. He purposefully did over $85,000 worth of damage in 1 month. They have no option but to sell it. Now in Feb, in court, the judge is saying “where I live, state c, is off the table”. Where I’ve set up a home and set up schools for my son is off limits. I even enrolled myself in school to get another degree to better my life and my sons. An associates on top of my bachelor’s. I had to drop out after already starting and making A’s. We have court the whole last week of Feb. The DAY BEFORE THE LAST WRAP UP DAY, my ex says he wants to negotiate. He delays court. Again. There’s so many parts to this I don’t know if I’ve gotten the whole story out. But again he delays it. We go negotiate. I have so many terms good for him and me and mostly our son. I don’t care about child support. I don’t care about expenses. I just want my son, with me, in state c. Living life. Nope. No no no. He won’t hear anything I have to say. He has an unfinished single room above an insulated garage him and his dad smoke WEED in that he plans on living in with our son. It’s one room with a “kitchen” in the corner. No divider between sides, like his room,our sons room. He tells me an apartment isn’t a home. He acts like his failing business is everything. His room above the garage is everything. It’s still not complete after starting construction in 2012. It’s 20’X20′. He says I’ll never achieve any goal and on and on. I’ve always achieved everything I’ve done. I’m not a quitter. He can’t hold a job because he has anger issues. He can ONLY hold a job with his dad. And can ONLY rent through his dad because of rental problems. He’s been arrested 16 times!. Day 2 of negotiations, our lawyers get involved and we come up with only HIS terms. Mine wouldn’t be heard. Again, I HAVE to move to a town two hours from his dad. I don’t know anyone there and rent is double what it is in state c. I would get primary custody, and thus child support. I don’t have a single job, housing, support, anything there. He pays for my moving expenses. Cancelling items, leases, movers because I don’t know anyone, etc, RE-licensing, etc But fine. I agree. He would get him every other weekend. Today I get the official papers in the mail, and he has CHANGED the negotiation. He stated first day of negotiations his plan was “to make my life a living nightmare” and these court systems are letting him get away with it! I’m NOT getting a fair trial. I’m being treated like a criminal. He has Nothing for our son and doesn’t intend to give him anything. His new terms are I move again, I pay for it, and we have shared custody, but he still only sees him every other weekend, meaning no child support or claiming him. I can’t afford this new city and I don’t want to. I’ve moved 3 times because of this creep. I’ve given up my life because of him. My whole life has been on hold and most importantly, OUR 4 YEAR OLD DOESNT KNOW WHERE HOME IS BEcAUSE OF HIM and the courts are allowing this!! State c is off the table cus I have no support system but I have plenty of friends and family there! And a home set up, and a job lined up, and grade A schools lined up. His dad threw him in daycare after daycare further unstabling him. He gets all his “good parent ideas” from my testimony, verbatim!! He harasses me through text messages DAILY under the rouse of concerned parent, oh I miss him so much!! Live our boy!” But then threatens me when no one is around. I threw the negotiation out and want to go back to court. I have so much proof against him but fear this town is going to keep my son there simply because he’s enrolled in the only daycare he has left to throw him in, that also turns into a Pre-K. I sent child services to their house to investigate, turns out they are FRIENDS, and NC protocol gives the person 3 weeks notice, (or some ungodly amount of time),and tells them exactly what they’re looking for. and his lawyer and the judge are FRIENDS, cracking personal jokes throughout trial. I’m disgusted!!!!! I’ve raised this kid since he was born solely on my own. His dad was barely around and not helpful when he was. I wasn’t happy with him or his constant drug use and drinking so I left him but agreed to still be near him for the sake of the child and now I’m getting really screwed by a psychopath and the tiny town legal system. WTF can I DO ABOUT THIS?? If we go back to court, if I win, I have to go to state b. He said he would move there to make my life a nightmare. If he moves we share custody. If he wins, which, knowing this court, is likely, then would my best bet be to go to state c, where I live, and appeal?? I keep hearing this case shouldn’t even be in NC in the first place. This is an absolute NIGHTMARE.

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    • Keep_going says:

      His lawyer has dragged this out bringing witness after witness for a year and my lawyers been given a half a week. The judge is sick of it. I do not feel like I’ve been given a fair trial. There’s so much more to this, I can’t even get it all down.

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    • Keep_going says:

      His lawyer has dragged this out bringing witness after witness for a year and my lawyers been given a half a week. The judge is sick of it. I do not feel like I’ve been given a fair trial. There’s so much more to this, I can’t even get it all down. My lawyer fees are over $12k at this point, and I’ve had to put over 5K I miles on my car going back and forth to hearings and our “in the middle” meeting spot, just since October. He AND the legal system expect me to just pick up and move again and start life over again. Getting a job is a nightmare with several different states on your resume in the last year. He has set me up to go to state c, just to use that against me, telling the courts I was going to steal his son away from him. He tried submitting affidavits into the court that we’re dated a month and a half prior to me being sent out there! I’ve been living out of a single bag for 6 months with no end in site. And I have no idea what state I’ll have to be in next month or where I even currently live. Or where I’ll be living. He has made my life unstable and is convincing, successfully, to get the court to throw out the stable place I’ve prepared in state c. We were living in a stable environment in state a before he took the job opportunity offer that started this whole mess. He has caused all of this!! Then claims I am the unstable one!

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      • MomhasGod says:

        Sorry, just thought of this…do you have any proof he’s purgered himself or a really damning piece of evidence? If you do maybe present that right off the bat to an attorney in the state you’re trying to be in…might help…might not.

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    • MomhasGod says:

      Have you talked with a different attorney? There are rules to establish the child’s residency state. I’m currently dealing with my custody/divorce situation so I don’t know what else to say. I know God has done a lot for me. I still get frustrated and angry but I’ve recognized the times He has protected us. I know P’s love getting reactions/drama. I think it’s really important to stay calm especially while in court and it won’t do kids any good to see mom all frazzled out all the time…not saying you are (I recognize this is a place to vent and seek advice). Since you haven’t been able to get witnesses, perhaps you can see about getting avidavits so you can turn them in. Every state has a bar association, you can call them and tell them briefly what the issue is and they can recommend a lawyer or type of practice you need. You should be able to type in the County and then Bar Association. I think you should try the county where the case should be anyhow first. If you don’t go to church, then I hope you would consider trying it or at least a support group. Many women’s shelters offer support groups. You could try looking up domestic violence in your area and can find probably at least a hotline that can get you into a group. Remember that P’s are abusers even if you weren’t beaten. There is a wealth of support and advice that can be obtained by support groups. Domestic Violence advocates usually have someone that works with some legal background also.

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  2. sfctommy says:

    Good advice, but what if the sociopath knows the ropes well enough to keep from getting caught? Or better yet, when the sociopath is a woman, the court really doesn’t care as long as she isn’t a danger to the child’s safety. I know too many men in that situation.


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  3. MomhasGod says:

    I am about to go to the first Full Custody hearing in about 2 weeks. I was married to him for 15 years and have 2 children. He left me and he filed for full custody. Psychopathy was brought to my attention and everything makes sense and falls into place. It’s been about 3 months since he moved out and the kids are a ton happier since we are not all walking around on eggshells. I was shocked that he filed since he was not around much and hardly ever involved in their care. He wasn’t even excited when I was pregnant, didn’t want to feel my belly, offer to help out, feel the kicks, etc…like I said it makes sense now. In the 3 months he’s been gone he’s done some horrible things, some dangerous, and has neglected the kids which I’m actually grateful for. He only asked to see them 3 times and when I gave him option to meet at a public place he didn’t even respond. I ended up getting a temporary restraining order and we have to go back After the custody hearing. His attorney is filing a motion this week for him to get visitation rights but my attorney is going to fight for supervised visits. In the restraining order, issued a month ago, it was ordered he could have 2 supervised visits a week but he never even tried to set it up with the people that were supposed to be supervising. I’m trying to understand his current “game” and what my concerns should be if he gets unsupervised visits in the meantime. I know he can be charming, manipulative, and dangerous. I’m fearful for the safety of my children and my attorney knows this. My kids had to testify but not in front of us for the restraining order. My youngest, aged 8, picked up on how “dad’s lawyer is just like him and he’s probably going to tell him what I said and dad is going to hurt me”. I had no idea the lawyers were going to question my kids and I do think he’s going to tell him. Has anyone been through something similar that they can offer words of advice? My oldest son said he knows he’s going to threaten him and he wants to record it. I told him I didn’t think that was a good idea because it would probably make him mad. I didn’t tell him this but I think it would make him so mad that my son would probably be hospitalized. I’ve done psychopath research but I’m still in the beginning stages of realizing what’s been happening to all of us. My eyes are open now and I need to protect me kids. He knows they are the world to me which is also my understanding that could be a risk factor of him wanting to hurt them more.

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    • jm_short says:

      You have a number of things going for you…

      1. Your oldest son seem to be wise to him.

      2. You have filed for a restraining order. And he has not complied with the visitation that the court provided for him.

      3. You understand what you’re dealing with.

      4. You seem to have a good attorney.

      About your son recording his threats. Just because you have the proof does not mean you’ll use it. So there’s no downside to getting the proof. But there’s a great deal of upside if you end up needing it.

      You wanted to understand what he’s all about…… control and harming you. And he’ll use your kids to do so. A lot of what they do is to position themselves as the victim in an effort to minimize support. So try to keep the issues of visitation and support as separate as possible.

      If the judge leans toward non-supervised visits, ask for psychiatric evaluation of both parents. Unfortunately, this does not always work out favorably, but you may have a good judge or a bad judge. If you have a bad one, you can only hope to persuade him/her.

      Your little guy is just a baby. Don’t treat him like an ally or a confidante. He is neither. He’s a little boy whose parents are at war. Try not to discuss the issues with your ex in front of him. Let him know you love him and that you’re trying to settle the differences you have with his father as quickly as possible, and that what happens will be decided by the court.

      I know how difficult this can be, I’ve been there.

      I wish you all the best.


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      • MomhasGod says:

        Thank you for your advice and I’m sorry you had to go through it too. Psych evals are ordered but it could be several more weeks. I’ve done research and know they can manipulate test givers so it’s supposed to be court ordered. My research also mostly comes up with the courts not understanding how damaging psychopaths are. (He treated my oldest worse than my youngest, I’ve never told him this and never will but the ex doesn’t even think he’s his…repeatedly refused a paternity test to prove it…I assume it’s coming from his own guilt???)My oldest, aged 13, just said yesterday that the next time he has to see him he’s going to tell him he wants nothing to do with him. Again, I had no idea what to advise…this could be good and maybe he’d walk away, or bad and he’d have a temper. This is a “man” that did 2 things that would have eventually caught my house on fire knowing me and the kids are here just because I stood up for myself and didn’t agree to what he wanted. (I credit God with saving us by bringing it to my attention in subtle ways). I’m keeping faith but I’m scared because I don’t really know to what extent he’ll go to. I know he has a girlfriend, and honestly I do not care as I have no love for him at all, and lots of people have said that’s the best thing because he’ll focus his attention on her. This hasn’t happened yet and I don’t know when they met but she’s been spending the night since the 2nd week of January. I feel sorry for her because she has no idea and I think he only got a girlfriend because he’s too lazy to do anything for himself like cook/clean/laundry/lawn/etc. Do you know if they tend to back off once they get a new “victim”? Do you think it’s a good idea if my son told him to stay away or not? Thanks.

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        • jm_short says:


          Typically, a Psychopath will make one child a “Golden Child” and the other will be the “scapegoat.” and their roles may change over time.

          As to your son telling his father he doesn’t want to see him, this is not good timing to do so. Your soon-to-be-ex will turn that into “parental alienation” and it will bolster his case for custody.

          The custody action is to cause you pain and cost you money. Does he really want custody….probably not.

          What your son should do is to let the therapists know of his fears, and the bad behavior he witnessed. He could also tell the same thing to the judge if he gets that opportunity.

          You’ve likely read the relationship with the woman correctly. And the children will be used to bolster his claims that he’s Mr. Wonderful and you’re the problem. Your children should always be able to reach you while they are “visiting” with him. Do they have their own phones?


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          • MomhasGod says:

            Thanks again. We’re waiting on a court appointed Guardian ad Litem so I will let him know to just talk to them. I know he doesn’t want custody, never had patience for them, easily annoyed, neglected the few times they were in his care. He tried having family time maybe once a week but always ruined it with his tantrums…literally tossing board games if he even thought he was going to loose, etc. The boys have seen enough to tell. My oldest has a phone. If he ends up getting them does he have to let me contact them or vice versa or does that have to be outlined in the order?

    • elizabethbrooks says:

      So weird. I could comment on so much of everyone’s stories here, as I’ve been thru it all… but your comment about how he didn’t want to feel the baby moving and kicking in your belly struck me cold. That was my sociopath ex. We went thru a 5-year fertility struggle (he had a profoundly low sperm count), so our first son was finally conceived thru in-vitro. And Ex never wanted to touch my stomach, feel the baby move, etc. I was so mystified why that was. What a loon.

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      • MomhasGod says:

        There’s a lot looking back that I could say “I’m such an idiot” but I’m choosing to believe there’s a reason for everything. If I left him years ago then I probably wouldn’t have realized he was a P and probably would have agreed to more visitation. My eyes are so wide open now, I have to stay strong for my kids. Did your ex end up getting some custody? Do you have any other advice? I go tomorrow for him trying to get unsupervised and later this week to a different judge for the first custody hearing. Thanks!

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        • jm_short says:


          People in authority will often blame the mother for her children not wanting to see their father. It is a very difficult phenomenon to deal with.

          If the custody hearing precedes the psych evaluations, your attorney could ask that a determination be postponed until the psych evals are complete. The less negative comments you make about him, the better.

          Also, if he sees you struggling over his visitation, he’ll put more effort behind this battle. Be calm. Simply ask that the court review the psych evaluations before making a decision.

          Don’t get into a pissing match with him. In fact, don’t speak to him at all. If he speaks to you, turn to your lawyer. Say what you need to her and have her speak for you.

          If there were any instances of child abuse in which the children were injured and photos were taken, or hospital records exist, you have a better chance of persuading a judge that there is a problem. Without those, characterizing him as abusive is a dangerously slippery slope.

          One of the things you could ask for is that when he has visitation, there be a drop off point and pick up point (friend/relative) so you do not have to interact with him, and that all communication be made through your attorney, not with you directly.

          He gets his jollies by making you miserable. If he can’t get access to you about the kids, and there are witnesses to his visitation conduct, he’ll probably get tired of visiting. He’ll know he’s under scrutiny.

          I wish you the best of luck dealing with this. Stay strong. It will be in your rear view mirror before you know it. This is a phase you need to go through to get to the other side.


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          • NoMoreWool says:

            Many states now have a system of child exchange points so the parents don’t interact with each other at dropoff/pickup times. It also has the added benefit of documenting whether each parent is following the custody schedule.

          • MomhasGod says:

            There has been so much drama. Visits are still supervised for now. He was over an hour late to the mediation and he semi-showed himself. It was voice recorded so I hope the judge listens to it. The mediator warned him many times he could get a deputy to escort him out. Evals are ordered but I don’t know when they will start. My lawyer asked for it to stay supervised until later. A guardian was appointed so hopefully they will have a say. The mediator scolded him to for not asking for any visits so I guess his lawyer talked him into it so he had his first supervised and first time he’s seen them since mid January. He gave my youngest money and my oldest nothing. My kids haven’t had a chance to speak on their behalf yet…they were supposed to at mediation but didn’t have time since he was so late. When my lawyer finally got maybe 5 minutes to speak she pulled out a piece of evidence he didn’t know I had and he was ticked…the most evil eyes and he started mouthing threats to me but nobody else saw. We were ordered to go through and pay for a website for all communication/visits. Last night he put in for a visit today at his house…just me and the kids! I called the supervisors and they haven’t heard from him at all since the last visit and aren’t even available today. Found out Monday that the courthouse was holding the divorce papers so he got served at the courthouse, I thought he was already served so he had another outburst and walked out. There’s a ton more but it’s just too much. I’m hanging in there and he doesn’t realize he will not break me.

          • NoMoreWool says:


  4. MomhasGod says:

    I’m hanging in there. He refused again to turn over the children’s belongings even though there was a court order so now he’s in contempt. He’s been spotted with 2 different women multiple times by different people. One of the women has a baby. He was spotted also playing with another young boy. We had a hearing yesterday and of course he lied and blamed everything else. He did admit knowing I was scared of him but he didn’t know why. He agreed to a 3 year restraining order last week but told the judge yesterday that it was dismissed and there was no active restraining order. The judge and 3 officers looked at it (I had brought a copy), and they all said it was active and enforceable. They judge told him he wasn’t buying what he was feeding him and he was found guilty but he of course said he was going to appeal it. The psych evaluator called yesterday to set up the first appointment. I don’t know what to bring yet but plan on getting statements from others to hand over. He is not only causing problems for me but has lost all of his employees due to “hostile work environment” and many others have seen his past and recent horrible side. We were ordered through the court to communicate online and the courts can see everything we post and what time we logged in. He has made many inconsistent statements and statements that reflect he is not complying with court orders. I feel like I am living a real life soap opera. So, even though this is a battle that is still ongoing, my faith is strong. I know God is working his ways and I feel confident it will all work in our favor to help protect my kids. So far he still has only taken one supervised visit and has not contacted the supervisors again for another…again I am so grateful for this. People are now offering more support on our behalf also as far as testifying if needed. Financially….I am almost in ruin. I am really considering the advice given to suggest to him to give up rights and then I would not ask for any support. I really think that he wouldn’t take this option though, I feel he thinks he can “win” and wants to destroy me.

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  5. NoMoreWool says:

    MomhasGod –
    Wishing you the best of luck in this. Every case is different, and you are the best person to decided if it is worth asking him to terminate his rights. In my case, I had my lawyer point out to his lawyer that if he didn’t want any financial responsibility to the kids, he could always give up his rights. That stopped the whining about the minimal child support (that I will never see) pretty quickly. The case still dragged out as he went through multiple attorneys and finally represented himself. The judge wasn’t taken in by his word salads or his pitiful acts and eventually I prevailed. As far as I am concerned, the financial ruin was worth it for the peace of mind knowing that my children never have to be abused by him again. I hope you are able to come out the other side with your children into a healthy and happy life.

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  6. MomhasGod says:

    The kids and I are ok but I am really frustrated with the “sit and wait” aspect. Last night was the 4th time he disobeyed a court order. I called the cops and they just talked to him. I saw him for about 10 minutes just flailing his arms and kept wondering “how long until they cuff him”. They all ended up shaking hands and chuckling! What has this shown him—that he can just keep doing what he wants because nobody will enforce anything and there’s no consequences—so what’s he going to do next? Is it common for P’s to drag it out for years?

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    • NoMoreWool says:

      He will drag it out for as long as he enjoys manipulating people and getting one over on cops, court, etc.

      Are you documenting all of this? I had videos and recordings emailed to trusted family/friends as well as a handwritten journal kept inaccessible to him in a place where it could be found in case of a homicide investigation, with copies of the journal kept in a separate location.

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  7. Diveteam says:

    I was married to a female sociopath for 10 years. We have 3 kids 3,8,and 10. I have known for years that she was this. I have educated myself to protect the children. I am very aware of what I am dealing with. This woman has commited very provable welfare and federal tax fraud. not known to me at the time we were still married but I found out after she manipulated me out of our house. I had to travel to make money to pay bills. Once I discovered the crimes and my own possible coulpability I contacted the correct state and federal offices. They were given all the details. And they did agree with the conclusion that she was guilty. We were divorced, which was started while I was out of town for a week working, and because I was on the road working she was given custodial custody. Because she would not allow me back in my own home, I had to seek more work where I was working at the time which was 2000 miles away. In a nut shell I found my self homeless. I was able by hard work to get back on my feet and start from zero at 55 years old. Of that I am impressed that I was able to pull it togather to do so. But the point is my children need their father. What about the crimes? Nothing has happened to her because she is a single mother now and the family court systems are biased in favore of the mother. And in some cases that is good. Here it is not. For example, my 8 yearold girl is now forced to go to therapy because she was molested by a local person who is a teen in the area who has been a problem from the day we moved to the are. My girl told her mother and her mother said she was making it up. My girl came to visit me and told me and I called my ex and again she just said she didnt believe. I got cps involved and they interviewed my girl. They believe her.
    Let me just say that my ex is who I claim, I have years of proof that she is a sociopath. She is a text book example except one this. She has a very high IQ and is very calculating. Ok and now half of this comment has been lost into internet thin air. Sound like Im at the end of my rope? You have no idea unless you have been here. Is there any legal help out there from an attorney that knows what I am dealing with. I am strong I am secure but I fear for my children.

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  8. Diveteam says:

    I apologize if I sound impatience, This has been going on for so long and I have spoken to many people about it and every body agrees and everybody has the same reaction” “Well, we believe it all and yes you are right to be concerned for their safty. And yes they would be better off with you, even part time.” And they say;”you have to go to court and get custody, which they just are not going to give you because you live out of the area” That is even knowing what happened to my girl and knowing that the mother defrauded the state for a number of years and still is. But none of it seems to matter. Ask the kids what they want, and they want to live with me. Does not matter. Why not just move to kentucky? Yes yes I realize this and I am doing everything in my power to make that possible. Keep in mind that I have to pay court ordered and agreed support everyv month or they will lose their house.By the time I can move back to the area I will have kids that are going to college.
    . .I will check back here for any help this site might offer and I do thank you all for any advice I might receive.

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    • Diveteam – I am so sorry for your situation. The sad truth is that the family court system is woefully ignorant about the damage disordered parents do to their children.

      Children who have been in situations like you describe and have “aged out” — grown up — say that what helped them the most was knowing that a parent believed them, believed in them, and kept trying. So while you look for other solutions, stay in contact with your kids. This may be tricky, because sociopathic parents often try to block communications. But that should be your effort.

      Then, document everything that happens. The time may come when she does something that provides you with an opening to get the children, so you want to be ready. Or, she may just get bored of her situation and decide that she doesn’t want to bother with the kids anymore. Be ready to step in.

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