10 tactics for child custody battles with sociopaths
Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
This hits exactly on what I have been going through – my daughter will be turning six this month and we are about to begin our 7th custody hearing (I finally left him when I found out that I was pregnant ans the first court appearance occured when he resurfaced 8 months after her birth and began threatening to steal her from daycare). My ex is a textbook sociopath and every hearing is a lesson in how he was able to twist and manipulate the verbiage from the previous court order. Documentation is KEY in these cases…. He lies like he breathes, but the burden of proof is on me, not him. Write down conversations, take photographs…things that seem unimportant at the time can end up being key, and with the constant stream of lies he keeps up, it can become difficult to recall a specific statement from several months ago. Writing things down has also helped me catch inconsistencies that I otherwise may have missed…. if I can catch a small lie, I can usually then dig in and find out what the bigger story is that he is trying to cover up.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s**tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ROTFLMAO
Hahaha!! Thanks Delta that was just what the doctor ordered. ‘oral’ !
I can relate to this completely.
My ex always told me if I left him he would never let me have the kids and he would ruin me financially and professionally. He has tried his best at every turn.
He used the fact that I had had an eating disorder almost 30 years before to prove to the courts that I was insane. And the courts bought it at first. And the fact that I was very timid in the courts in the beginning, especially when he represented himself at the protective order hearing did nothing to dissuade the judge. (The courts need training on family dynamics in domestic violence situations). By the time he was done cross examining me I was basically balled up in the chair, scared to death. The judge ruled not only that he was not guilty, but that “the abuse never happened.”
I have to admit he played the role that day, very professional and knowledgeable of how things are done in the courts. What the judge did not know was that he actually has had one year of law school.
I have kept a log of what I call weird behavior. It is now 22 pages long, single spaced. It includes him accusing me of holding the kids hostage, because their school was on a two hour delay and the school district where he lived was not. That he was going to turn me into child protective services because the kitchen sink had been stopped up (in the past tense, because I had already had it fixed). That I was in contempt of court because I had sent my son for a visit without his soccer jersey for a game. He refused to look in the bag again, so I called my older daughter’s phone and had her look, and sure enough the jersey was in the bag.
He continues to call me crazy and makes fun of my mom and sister all the time. He keeps comparing me to them, as an insult, which worked when I still lived with him. He had managed to create a huge rift with them, that has now been partially mended. He continues to threaten to turn me into the powers that be concerning my employment,etc. And threatens me constantly with new court actions. The record is one day last summer he sent me 14 different emails with these kind of threats.
When I tried to present evidence that he was sending me threatening emails at hearings, the judge refused to look at them. I sent some to the guardian ad litem that had to do directly with the kids and his response to the judge was that they were merely “Snitty.”
When I recorded a phone conversation where my ex actually threatened to kill me and played it to the police I was told me it was merely a “figure of speech.” When I recorded my daughter talking about her dad hitting her I was told I was abusing her by doing this. So there is no protective order.
Even now he refuses to cooperate on even the most basic things. The kids’ schools are out in two weeks and he is supposed to be able to have them for 6 weeks over the summer. And even though I have sent him at least 10 emails requesting to know when he wants them he will not tell me. The divorce decree states in one section that if we live more than 100 miles apart he would forfeit his summer rights if he had not told me by May 1. If we live closer local rule states about regular visits that he only has to give me 24 hour notice if he does not want them. We live 99.23 miles apart (My ex choose this house after the court documents came out), so he is saying he does not have to give me more than 24 hours notice. Thus far I have received no help from my lawyer about this. It is affecting my job now, because I am required to do some traveling over the summer and I can not schedule the dates for this, since I cannot leave my children unattended. And the early bird discounts have long since passed, so it has already cost me money.
Prior to the divorce being final the kids could not leave the state without the approval of both parents. He did not allow the kids to attend my niece’s wedding. He only allowed them to attend my grandmother’s funeral after berating my mother over the phone and calling her names (and it was her mother who had just died). He prevented our oldest from participating in a United Nations seminar that she had a full scholarship to attend. And he threatened me with contempt because I allowed our son to go on a school field trip that went less than a mile over the state line to a museum. (I wasn’t thinking about that magical line when I signed the form to let him go).
The final decree stated that he had to drive to the county seat and we had to exchange the children at the police station a more than 100 mile drive for him. I offered to meet him half way at a big box store with lots of cameras in the parking lot (I actually felt safer doing that than the police station). He refused stating I was again in contempt of court. In a fit of anger over this he actually came to my house one day when he knew i was gone and took the kids out to dinner, to prove he could I guess. The next week he even filed a court document stating I was in contempt over the meeting location. We now do all the exchanges at the police station. So he will even fight about stuff that is to his disadvantage, which I really do not get.
Over Christmas break local rule states that the custodial parent is to have the kids until 9am on Christmas day. His regular weekend was the first part of break. My ex looked at the school’s calendar that stated Christmas break began on the 24th (Monday). So he was insistent he should get them that weekend, which would have left me with the kids for 1 1/2 days of the break. He attempts to exploit ANY ambiguity.
RevJanice – I am so sorry for your situation. I just spent the weekend listening to stories like yours – they are so horrific. Heartbreaking. Please hang in there.
Best of luck – it is so easy for them to use children as pawns because they are so disconnected. My ex’s latest game is to pretend that he has an illness (he contested paternity based upon his pretend case of testicular cancer, so this is old hat)….like heart palpitations, kidney problems, and bombard me with phone calls telling me to take our daughter for various blood tests and MRIs. He recently told her that many of his teeth did not grow in, so I made a special appointment with the dentist in order to reassure her. This is purely an attempt in inconvenience, upset, and produce medical bills that he will not pay.
In our latest custody order, we added a clause that vacation dates must be provided to the other party by April 14th. I ran into something similar with him in previous years, she missed a summer camp that I had paid for in full because he snapped up his vacation days at the last minute.
Stay strong and keep thinking of ways to box him in with verbiage…I have a copy of our order where I amend the writing once he has twisted it to get what he wants. We have a court date coming up and i provided it to my attorney so that he knows what we need to address.
As soon as I brought up divorce way back in 1986, the first thing my spath said was that if I ever filed for divorce, he would kidnap my son and I would never see the kid again. It didn’t matter to him that he TOLD me to have an abortion; that he wouldn’t cut the umbilical cord; that he spent less than a half hour a day at the hospital visiting (It was 1981 and was in there for 5 days), actually the only thing he was interested in was the ‘new parent’s steak and wine dinner’ the hospital provided; that he never held the baby, let alone fed him or God forbid, changed a diaper; that he never bought the child a present, no clothes, no diapers, no food; that he didn’t care about medical insurance when he ‘left’ his job.
One time when he went back home to live with his mother, about a half hour away but in a different state, he wanted to see the boy, he was a little less than 5 tears old. We met in a mall, in my state. He then said he wanted to drive the child to my home. Rather than start a big fight, I let him but followed closely behind. He got into an accident on the way. No serious injuries, the spath’s comment :’see what will happen if you pursue a divorce’.
He didn’t want the child but the child was a very useful tool for him. He wanted a hold over me.
The reason I never got a divorce.
lost everything – All I could do is gasp at your story. They are so cruel and heartless.
delta 1 – thank you for the laugh, i really needed it!