I have spent the last 3 months very focused on finishing Women Who Love Psychopaths with Sandra L.Brown, M.A. this book is admitedly sexist in that it is for women who have had relationships with male sociopaths, psychopaths and pathological narcissists. The book has been tough for me to work on as I have had to relive many aspects of the short 17 months I spent with a sociopath. I am anxious to move on and produce a similar work for men, because I dislike the over emphasis on male sociopaths. I also have come to appreciate loving empathetic men, and believe we need to give these “real men” more recognition and visibility.
Three events with the above theme have touched me recently. First, I was contacted by one of the officers of an organization called Fathers Supporting Fathers. I have had the good fortune to have several lengthy discussions with Nancy Lankford who is a lovely woman with a great deal of insight and compassion for fathers who have been victimized by sociopathic women. It was refreshing to find that there is a good organization trying to help fathers. Nancy seems very committed to really looking after the best interests of children. The organization also helps victimized mothers when they get an appropriate referral. If you are a father of children whose mother is a sociopath, I recommend you visit Fathers Supporting Fathers.
The week after Nancy and I first spoke by phone, a man who I have come to think of as a friend, phoned to say that in the midst of seeking to protect his child from a sociopathic mother, he had been charged with child molestation. Men have it so tough as they try to battle sociopathic women, because the women can play that “trump” card. Once that card is played, the man is guilty until he proves himself innocent, that can take years. In the meanwhile, the children grow up in the clutches of the sociopathic mother.
It seems we have two groups of people. Those who advocate for victimzed mothers and those who advocate for victimized fathers. Those who advocate for especially “battered” women, correctly say that false allegations of sexual abuse are not made very often. Well if you are the guy that is the rare case, it feels all too common to you! The second group are the hostile “fathers rights groups” that often support abusers. They correctly say that the law is biased against fathers when it comes to custody. Well from what I can tell, the law is only biased against non-sociopathic fathers. Sociopathic fathers seem to find a way to beat the system. Groups like Fathers Supporting Fathers are moving in the right direction, because they recognize sociopaths have taken advantage of the just cause of “father’s rights.”
Why do sociopathic mothers and fathers even want their kids? After all they are not capable of love, empathy or effective parenting. Sociopaths of both sexes have two motives. 1) To have a child to own and control; and 2) To continue to use/abuse the other parent through the child. A sociopath is empty without another person to control, use and abuse. Sociopaths are not capable of “shared custody” of children because they are not capable of sharing anything.
A mother wrote Donna this week with the following question (this is the third event), Donna has asked me to answer for all of you:
My ex is one of the not so smart sociopath’s and finally after many run ins with the law he finally went to prison for a few years. He is now out on parole. These last almost 5 years have been so peaceful without his craziness in my and my kids lives. He is now trying to get visitation with my kids. We are in the process of a court ordered evaluation to determine if he can have any visitation. I have met with the kids and the evaluator but he has not yet. My attorney and I requested that the psychologist (evaluator) do some pscyh tests. So I guess since we asked for it he also decided to test me – I guess thats only fair. I’m not really worried about what they will find out about my personality. I was definitely very naive and was easy prey for him during our years together.
I was wondering if you could answer a question? I have read that a sociopath can fool a lie detector test so I am wondering could he also possibly fool the pscyh tests. The one main test that the evaluator used was called MMPI. I am just hoping and praying that this will finally be out in the open, because it is real. And if he is finally diagnosed it will help so much in my fight to protect my kids. I have no doubt that he is a true sociopath and my kids would not benefit in anyway to be associated with him. My kids have not had any contact with him for 5 years.
I pray here that the court will leave these children and their mother in peace. The truth is that children deserve to grow up free from the sociopath’s pathology. Often these parents get “supervised visitation” then con the kids, then disappear again. The psychological tests are a good idea. The MMPI has L and K scales which estimate faking on the test and if these are elevated the test is invalid. The MMPI also has a “psychopathy” scale which will help confirm the diagnosis. Just to remind you of some data that I already put in another blog. Elevated MMPI psychopathy scores were asociated with dysfunctional parenting in one study. Mothers who had elevated scores showed:
1. Lack of warmth
3. Harsh/abusive discipline
4. Inconsistent/ineffective discipline
5. Poor monitoring and supervision
6. Aggressive values
To set the record straight I want to make it clear that the abusive husband and father does not abuse because he is a man. He abuses because he is a sociopath. The conning, manipulative, abusive wife and mother, doesn’t abuse because she’s a woman milking the system or man. She manipulates and cons because she’s a sociopath. When we make it clear what we are fighting then we can effectively do battle–together.