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Sociopaths are filled with empty promises that never turn into healing action.

Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind.

The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I’d awaken and find him sitting by my bed, reading the newspaper, holding my hand. He brought me what I needed and when it was time to come home, he picked me up and tucked me into bed at home. He cared.

What a different reality than the surreal world of being with the sociopath. When with the sociopath, I had to have knee surgery at one point in our relationship. He promised to drive me to the hospital, and never appeared. I took a cab. He promised to pick me up and bring me home from hospital and I had to call a girlfriend to come and get me as they wouldn’t let me take a cab by myself (which I was insistent I could do). Whenever I was sick, he’d promise to bring me ginger ale and I’d go thirsty. He’d promise to take care of me, and find 1,001 excuses for why he couldn’t turn up. And I let him off the hook every single time.

The reality was, his words were empty promises that never translated into healing action. And in my blind faith, my misplaced love, I’d deceive myself into believing his inaction was not his fault. I’d make the unacceptable acceptable by telling myself, ‘it’s okay. He’s got lots on his mind. He’s busy. I shouldn’t feel hurt by his inattention. He loves me.’

To quote Sir Walter Scott, ‘Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.’

In that relationship I desperately wanted to believe what he was expressing was love. I desperately wanted to believe he was my shortcut to happiness and so I convinced myself his inaction was not important. His assertions of undying love were what counted most. Truth is, lost on the road to hell, I was blinded from the truth of what he was doing and what was happening to me because I was fixated on believing he was my Knight in Shining Armor and couldn’t see he was truly the Prince of Darkness.

In healing from that debacle I know, promises mean nothing unless followed up with action. All the empty promises in the world cannot make dreams come true. Empty promises cannot turn up in times of need, they cannot rub an aching back or hold a trembling hand. Empty promises cannot be filled with love.

Once upon a time, I gave my heart to a man who was untrue. He is gone. In healing, I have opened my arms wide to the joy of loving a man who turns up when he says he will and is there in times of need. I am blessed.



250 Comments on "Sociopaths are filled with empty promises that never turn into healing action."

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  1. OxDrover says:

    Welcome Sunkiss, the only way to handle it is NO CONTACT. You have started that, and that is the first big step, but you must maintain 100% NO CONTACT, and tha tmeans also that you don’t try to figure out who he is with or wht he is doing.
    Read what I wrote to SHMG above and my advice to you is the same. Just post anywhere you want to, comment, tell your story, whatever is comfortable to you is what most people do.

    Shmg, you are very welcome. I am glad that people find this wonderful site, and that in any way I can show them support, there are soo many wonderful people on this site and the hosts are just absolutely GREAT! It is I think the BEST and most informative site with REAL information, as well as the blogs, comments and support.

    I know that NO contact is difficult at first, but I think you have made a GREAT START. Just hang in there and READ READ READ and LEARN LEARN LEARN–you will see the patterns in the behavior–the names and faces are different, but sometimes I think there must be a “psychopathic school” that teaches them the same tricks and tactics..either that or we have all dated the same guy! LOL

    It gets easier and better, I prominse you! (((hugs))))



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  2. sunkiss says:

    Thanks OxDrover. I am very good at not looking for him on myspace pages, dating sites, etc. I learned my lesson on that one about a year ago..(roll eyes) He had threatened suicide and I went running..sat with him for 4 hours..ended up in sex…I left…came home and had a wierd feeling and looked on Match and sure enough the status on the page said ACTIVE WITHIN ONE HOUR. !!!!!!!!!! If you could have seen the intense pain this man was in when I went there..the sweating and throwing up over being so worked up… makes me sick to think about it. I now know that even though his show of remorse that night was award winning, it was real..it just wasnt for me…he was sorry for himself.

    Tell me something in terms of not giving a rats ass what he thinks about me. Believe it or not, I have come a loooong way, but there is part of me that still seeths inside when I think of him thinking these things about me.

    Also, I think I am looking for someone to come right out and tell me that they did what I did too. (Back and forth..”playing” the part. I feel tremendous guilt over this. I know that I am not a bad person and I know that he is what he is but did that give me the right in anyway to carry on the way that I did? To mislead him if you will. I cant even really explain why I did except the fear thing. That and I must admit that when I was with him, we ususally had a really good time together. I was enjoying the honeymoon knowing all along that it wasnt right of me.

    I have never ever ever said such ugly things to a person about themself. Why do I feel so bad for calling him out on the cunning taker that he is? I think the fact that I had sex with him days before and laid with him and told him that I loved him has alot to do with it. So much guilt and confusion. I do love him….I care that he will be alright in life (most days, lol….some days I want him to be miserable, lol), but I know that any of the IN LOVE feelings are gone.

    How do I get rid of this guilt? Were my actions of going back with him 3 months ago and the things I said to him 4 days ago as horrible as I think they are?



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  3. sunkiss says:

    How do I get rid of this guilt? Were my actions of going back with him 3 months ago and playing the perfect part and then saying the things I did to him 4 days ago as horrible as I think they are? I feel like a fraud.



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  4. OxDrover says:

    Dear Sunkiss,

    One of the worst Ps I had to deal with (and I had several) was my own son. He is in prison for murder–cold, calculate, hateful killing of someone. Yet, I wanted to believe he could change, repent, learn to love, or at least see that the EVIL ways were not OK—I went back, I went back and I went back again because I LOVED HIM. He did NOT love me.

    I felt sorry for him though he had ruined his own life, I sent him money to make his years long stay in prison easier, so he could buy things for himself from the prison store. He pretended gratitude, remorse, learning from his past behavior, all the things I WANTED to believe. Finally, I realized that he is NOT REMORSEFUL, he is PROUD he is a cold blooded killer and can kill without remorse.

    I called him a “few things” too—and everyone of them was TRUE. I wished bad things on him! I wished him to suffer! Like he had made me suffer because I DID LOVE HIM. But now, I realize that my LOVE was wasted on someone who could or would not return that love, just because I gave BIRTH to him doesn’t mean that I have to feel GUILTY for cutting him out of my life. GUILT is what we SHOULD feel when we do something BAD to others. SHAME is what we feel when “the world knows we did someting bad” and we feel it reflects badly on us.

    Guilt and Shame help us to monitor our own behavior. The psychopath does not feel SHAME OR GUILT.

    If I lied to you, and you didn’t know it. I would feel guilty because I knew I had wronged you. I have a conscience and that conscience tells me it is wrong for me to lie to you. It should motivate me to quit lying to you.

    Shame is what I feel when everyone including you finds out I lied to you, and they and you no longer trust me. It is the PUBLIC humiliation you feel when you know people look at you and you say to yourself “They know I am a liar.” And you FEEL that shame.

    By responding to the psychopath by saying “You are an abusive person” (or whatever we say to them) we are not doing something WRONG. We should not feel “guilty” for saying the truth. We should not feel shame that THEY abused us. Though somehow it seems that many of us DO feel SHAME that we have been abused. Or guilty for not doing something about it (sooner maybe.)

    I no longer feel either guilt for cutting my son out of my life, or shame that he is a murder. He is an ADULT and he made his own choices. They were NOT my choices, and I did not want him to make these choices, I could not stop him from making these choices, so I have no guilt about his choices, and no shame about what others think about him (as my son).

    As far as I am concerned, the young child I loved is DEAD, he is certainally GONE, and the MAN in prison has no meaning for me. I do not worry about his health, or if he is well or not, he is a STRANGER to me. I don’t worry about the other million + men and women in prison either. They are also strangers to me. I feel empathy for their families; their wives, husbands, children, parents, friends and for their victims. I feel empathy for the people in prison who are innocent of the crimes for which they are convicted. I feel empathy for the mentally ill people in prison who should have been more protected by society in other ways—but for the psychopaths I am just glad that they are there and for the time being they can’t hurt others as much as they could if they were free.

    So, go easy on yourself…Guilt and shame are two emotions that we can work on how we think about them and it will help us with our FEELINGS. Be good to yourself, that is of the utmost importance right now. (((hugs))))



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  5. OxDrover says:

    Free, you said that so well. I absolutely agree with every word you said. It sounded like you were describing me, and my own guilty feelings. Thank you.

    “We shouldn’t own any emotions that have been projected onto us by someone else, but when we don’t have boundaries, we don’t assert our rights and so we take on the blame from our abusers like a sponge…”

    TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN!!!!!!!!



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  6. OxDrover says:

    LEARNING ME,

    I brought this thread up for you to read in case you haven’t read it. I think it might be what you need to see that though they “promise” the moon to us, they never ACT on those promises—many times they purposely get a woman pregnant in order to get a legal and long term hook into her, so don’t believe a word he says about wanting a family with you. (((hugs))))



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  7. angelarun2001 says:

    loved this post!

    I’m glad you found the man who is real and there for you.

    actions speak louder than words…sociopaths are so full of sh!t



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