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Sociopaths use our own dreams to seduce us

Not long ago, a woman from the Philippines contacted Lovefraud. She had been involved in a long-distance relationship (LDR) with an American man whom she met over the Internet. This woman, we’ll call her Juanita, fell in love with the guy, even though she never met him in person.

Juanita sent her story to Lovefraud—a shortened version is reproduced below. But first, a bit of background. Juanita is separated from her husband and has a child. But although she’d like to find a new husband, she is trapped, because divorce is not legal in the Philippines.

Looking for companionship, she turned to the Internet—which is what thousands of Filipinas do. In fact, the mail-order bride business, matching men from America, Europe and Australia with women from the Philippines, is booming.

Apparently some Filipinas have found love via the Internet, but not Juanita. Here is her story:

Bewitched from afar

I met G online over a year ago. I’ve resorted to this kind of medium because I’m hoping to find someone who could be a good husband and father to my child. Not a few women here in the Philippines have met their current partners through the Internet.

Although we only saw each other through pictures, some videos, and webcam meeting, G managed to deceive me not only through the chat screen, but also through daily phone talks that got me addicted. And although he didn’t ask for money from me, I did buy and send him stuff as my way of taking care of him. He did his share, too. But thinking about his efforts, it’s undeniable that he did those to earn my trust back after I caught him cheating online the first time. I should have learned my lesson from that, but I opted to give him a second chance because I loved him.

[The police arrested the American for chatting with a minor online and then arranging to meet her.]

Throughout his jail time for almost four months, G and I didn’t correspond. When he got out, he emailed me, apologizing for what he did and hoping that I’d still talk to him. I accepted his apology, thinking that his incarceration could have reformed him. And even if he said he had no intention of rekindling our failed affair, he wooed me back, saying he’s learned his lessons and would make it up to me.

Our “second chance” lasted for almost 10 months. He proposed marriage a week before his scheduled jury trial and sent an engagement ring that he crafted himself. He asked that I let him talk to my parents so he could tell them his intention and our plan. This move really made me think that he’s a reformed man.

With our daily phone talks, I didn’t think he would go online again to chat with other women. And thinking about it, he must be laughing so hard whenever he gets to make me believe that he’s being faithful with me—and that he truly loved me.

I discovered that he made another Yahoo account and replied via email to Filipinas who posted personal ads on craigslist. He was able to chat with other Filipinas again and lured three or five of them to have online LDRs with him. He even e-mailed a female best friend who has been in love with him, asking her who would he pick among the 11 Filipinas he was able to snag online.

I felt so betrayed. And I was very much sincere with him to the point that I defended him to my family and friends who disliked him. Apparently, jail time didn’t reform him at all because he did again what got him into trouble in the first place. And it doesn’t matter if he’s no longer chatting with women from Arizona or that he introduced me to his friends and siblings over the phone. Those acts do not erase the fact that he just used me and played with my emotions and vulnerabilities.

Out of anger for learning about his online infidelity the second time, I called him. My phone credits were limited, so he called back and we talked for two hours. He denied registering another account and flirting with other women online. I told him that I’m mad, yet at the same time I pity him because he’s really sick—a pathological liar and porn addict. I told him to stop victimizing women, for he has two daughters whom he would not want to be hurt the way I got hurt by him. Knowing what I know now about sociopathy, it’s doubtful if being sent back to jail and attending classes to modify his thought process and behavior could transform him.

I know by this time some of you are thinking how stupid and ridiculous I am for even spending time to narrate this whole drama. It was an online LDR thing, yes…but somehow, the way we behave online speaks of how we behave offline as well. And I was very much sincere with him, believing that we had a commitment.

I’m sure most of you will tell me to move on and celebrate because I got out of a relationship with a man who is troubled. And I agree with you. But at this time, I’m struggling to do that. And if you ask me why I fell for someone like him…I’ve got no answer to give because it’s hard to rationalize something irrational.

What G did to me is really painful. I could have offered the love I gave him to someone deserving. I really thought my search for my second and last mate is finally over with him, but I was wrong. And from this hurt, I find myself becoming ambivalent—shaking my way towards reaching the healing point because I’m still blaming myself for what happened, for allowing a man like him into my life simply because I succumbed to the loneliness of being a single mom, failing to love myself positively. I long to love and be loved, but not the way he subjected me to. It’s unfair, but I know I need to forgive myself—and also forgive him before I could move on completely.

Dreams come true

Juanita’s story illustrates an important reason why we fall for sociopaths: They promise to make our dreams come true, and we believe them.

This is especially true with online dating. As explained on Lovefraud’s Online Seduction page, when we correspond with someone over the Internet, vital information is missing. We can’t evaluate the person’s appearance, body language, grooming and tone of voice. We don’t even know for sure if we’re corresponding with a man or a woman.

With so much information missing, what do we do? We imagine the person to be what we want him or her to be.

And, according to Dr. Esther Gwinnell, author of a book called Online Seductions, we take it a step further. “Because you have none of the usual cues to bring you back to reality,” she writes, “you may begin to attribute important qualities to the person, especially idealistic and romantic qualities.”

Trapped and lonely, Juanita was dreaming of love, and thought she’d found what she was looking for. The American, however, simply played with her dreams, perhaps just to amuse himself.

That’s why this whole experience was so painful for Juanita. Even though she talked to the American frequently, she was never physically with him. Much of the relationship, therefore, was in her own mind. She couldn’t end the relationship by kicking the guy out the door. She had to kick him out of her mind—and out of her dreams.



25 Comments on "Sociopaths use our own dreams to seduce us"

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  1. distraught says:

    I know this is a bit off topic for this thread, but I had to share it. I was watching the Blues Brothers movie this weekend and one of the scenes totally captured the sociopathic hold these people have over us. Carrie Fisher, who plays Jake’s (John Belushi) girlfriend has him trapped in a tunnel where she is about to shoot him with a flamethrower for leaving her at the alter. Jake offers up about 40 different ridiculous excuses about why he didn’t show up for the wedding, then he takes off his sunglasses and gives her a sad puppy dog look. She drops the flamethrower and they start kissing passionately. Then he throws her to the ground and he makes his escape. Such a ridiculous, comical exaggerated scene, yet it isn’t far from the truth is it? Thanks for your support here, it is keeping me strong. Be well this week!



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  2. Beverly says:

    The book ‘Art of Seduction’ – have any females read it? If so, what type of men is this book aimed at?



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  3. Fighter says:

    Beverly

    We wrote this article almost 3 years ago CLICK HERE

    It should give you a lot of insight into how Art of Seduction is used by pathologicals.



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  4. Beverly says:

    Thank you Fighter. I have gained much information from reading your very informative site and have shared with my friends. It was as a result of the article you ran, that I bought this shocking book. I have read some of the stories and they are truly appalling.



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  5. freeagain says:

    Hi I’m just new to this site. Aloha totally agree with you about running. I’ve just recently (5 weeks now) fled my marriage. I battled so hard with “God can heal anything” and I know God can do anything but in the meantime I knew in my heart I would die if I stayed. I mean that literally. I don’t usually go around thinking someone is going to kill me. He has been trying to contact me with “I see now you were right”. I don’t believe him and I really never want to see him again. I thank God that I got out. God does not want us abused. Everywhere the disciples were imprisioned they escaped when they could. Jesus laid his life down but that was his purpose. Before that when they wanted to kill Him (over the cliff, he got away).

    I also strongly feel that control and manipulation are spirits and I will never bow to those spirits. It is for freedom we have been set free. If I do bow down to those spirits, it strenghens them (this is my belief).

    My desire for everyone “suffering” under sociopathy is to get out.

    God bless all of ye



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  6. OxDrover says:

    Freeagain,

    And God bless you my dear for having sense and spirit enough to escape.

    I too believe that “God CAN heal anything”–but He does not MAKE anyone love Him, and if a heart is set in “darkness” and “without feeling” that person is separated from the right (as in right and wrong) Ps CHOOSE to do what they do, they KNOW right from wrong, but choose wrong because they like it.

    Please do not let someone else’s “interpretation” of religion and God’s will make you feel guilty for fleeing. I had been taught all my life that “forgivess” meant that we must “pretend it didn’t happen”–in other words “trust” them again…Read the story of Joseph in the Bible, when his brothers who had sold him into slavery came before him, he TESTED them before he even revealed who he was, to see if they were better men than they were years before.

    To me, “forgiveness” means to “get the bitterness out of your own heart” for YOUR sake, not for the sake of the Psychopath who has hurt you, it does NOT mean to me that I must ever trust him/her again.

    My new look at faith sustained me, and brought me closer to God, a loving God who does not I think want anyone to submit to abuse by anyone–not their husband, child, mother, father, anyone.

    Our Ps have chosen freely to behave in an evil way, but we must be wise and flee their control. God bless you my dear.



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