Sociopaths and sex: neither straight nor gay

Many women have written to Lovefraud about husbands who they’ve come to believe are sociopaths. They were astounded to discover that, not only was the husband cheating, but he was having sex with men.

Lovefraud reader eyeswideshut writes about this in a recent comment to the post, After he’s gone: looking at the sociopath through open eyes. She asks:

Now that I know he is also gay, is sociopathic tendency in married gay men not common as well? When I read the stories of the women in the book (“Straight Wives”), many of the men sound like sociopaths as well. Have you studied this phenomenon? Is it possible that gay men who choose to live the lie of married life are likely also socios?

To this, another Lovefraud reader, Leslie, commented:

On the third extended date I had with the SP, I turned to him one night, after we’d been together, and said, “Have you been with men?” Something in the way he’d made love made me think he had. He stared at the window and said in a monotone, “I have never made love to a man.” It was the same monotone he used to deny that he was living with a woman when I asked him that a year later. He was. I don’t have hard proof, but I know the guy had had sex with men.

Then alohatraveler commented:

I have heard from another victim of my sociopath that he was starting to get more “experimental” when she knew him. She knew him after me. He was expressing an interest in having sex with a man, but of course, with a woman present, because he was “not gay.” We both also saw an ad that he posted looking for sex with a transsexual. Then he placed an ad where he wanted a traditional type of woman.

“Not a gay bone in my body”

Shortly after I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, he proclaimed to me, “There’s not a gay bone in my body.” I had no reason to doubt him. But when I left him after two-and-a-half years, I learned a lot about his sexual activities:

  • He had sex with at least six other women during our relationship.
  • He was heavily into Internet porn.
  • He solicited gay male prostitutes.
  • He tried to arrange threesomes and looked for swinging couples.

In short, he wanted sexual thrills. The more different kinds of thrills, the better. I’m lucky I didn’t get a serious disease.

Screw anyone

Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have an excessive need for stimulation, excitement and sensation. They also have no fear and no inhibitions. From a sexual perspective, that means a voracious appetite and anything goes.

Dr. Liane Leedom writes that sociopaths only want two things. One of them is power. The other is sex.

So when it comes to sexual orientation, I believe sociopaths are neither straight nor gay. In short, they’ll screw anyone.

Lovefraud has heard from gay individuals—men and women—who were involved in gay relationships with sociopaths. I asked several of them if they thought the sociopath was actually gay. They all agreed with my theory and said the sociopath was not gay.

Sex with an agenda

This does not mean, however, that sociopaths are out of control. On the contrary, to them, sex, and sexual orientation, is just something to be used in order to achieve their objective, whatever that is.

Perhaps the most egregious example of this is the case of James McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey. McGreevey, you may recall, resigned from office after proclaiming in a news conference that he was a “gay American.”

The truth was that his political career was imploding under a series of scandals. As I wrote in a review of the book written by McGreevey’s wife, I believe the former governor played the gay card because it was the best way to spin his political collapse.

Sociopaths use people for sex, and use sex to get what they want. Anybody who suits their agenda will do.

If it suits their agenda to be married with children, then that’s what they’ll do. But if sociopaths indulge in same-sex relationships, in my opinion, it’s because they’re sociopaths, not gay.

156 Comments on "Sociopaths and sex: neither straight nor gay"

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  1. skylar says:

    they only want marriage because it’s part of a mask. The one thing they value is their mask.

    Yeah, it is some kind of epidemic.

    I realize that there are both male and female spaths BUT there is a certain kind of male spath that is rampant. It is the misogynist (woman hater). These are what is commonly known as a secondary spath. It doesn’t hate men, only women.

    I’ve run into a few websites where they post. It’s amazing how fucked up their heads are. They are even worse than primary spaths in their cog/diss.

    I was researching Sandusky and found a blog with some commentary. They were blaming women!! lol! unbelievable.

    They said that the feminazis were going to turn this fiasco against ALL men. They were so concerned that men were going to get a bum rap for Sandusky’s boy raping. They said that if Sandusky had been raping, or even just insulting women, he would have been prosecuted immediately, but because the victims were BOYS, nothing was done. Boys are expendable scapegoats, they said.


    Yeah, these are special types of spaths. They hate women and are in love with men, though they aren’t (AFAIK) cognizant of being sexually attracted to men. It’s the loss of the father figure, I guess.

    Yes, I know at least one of these types personally.

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  2. zizi says:

    Hi Hens,

    I completely agree with you I also do not think they are gay but rather opportunists. In fact the worst female one I came across was completely asexual. I think there needs to be more awareness in our community and people need to spot the early warnings signs (they are always there but we tend to ignore them). The longer you are in a relationship with a sociopath the more your reality gets altered by them.

    To myheart,

    They marry because they seek to control you. After marriage they see you as their property, this gives them a big rush. They also often do it for financial reasons or simply to blend in with society better. And often sociopaths especially Narcissists lose interest in sex once the chase is over as they have zero interest in intimacy. They might go with prostitutes or indeed watch porn but they often do not have sex with their partner. This kind of complete rejection of their other half is yet another one of their abuse techniques in fact, as their partners often end up feeling unattractive and unwanted.

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  3. Alexis says:

    Thank you for this blog!…Certainly many likely think they have heard everything!…I understand.I am a man,I was victim of a man-EVEN THOUGH WE DIDNT HAVE A GAY RELATIONSHIP!If anyone would read the letters he has written me in the course of 3yrs.or so,you would conclude we were having a “steaming”hot affair!….Nope.I am actually in ministry.I am 54 yrs.old.I cant believe I was taken in by this.What started as “outreach”,became “friendship”till I was the only person he had,so he said.I certainly had many chances to engage sexually,but that is not on my chart!My thinking always was,and I have a problem now-still is that sincere change on his part is possible,and that would require me-faithful to what I stand for-to “be there”?All of you who are thinking this is recent are correct.When I post the capsule version of the story,you’ll see more….any thoughts on mt :spiritual”position?BTW,He is a sexaholic-is it possible to be that primarily,socipathic secondarily?

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