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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: My journal entry about susceptibility to the sociopath

Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader sent the following entry from her journal. “About 2 1/2 months since the sociopath revealed himself for what he was, I’m now assessing how I made myself so vulnerable in the first place,” she wrote. “Shockingly I realize I likely still am… still am as vulnerable… until I do my next needed self-work: truly healing my relationship with myself. Deeply.” The following piece represents a step in her healing.

I was thinking about whether I’d ever be able to reclaim my memories, once sweet, once preciously loving, of the past two years… ever since the sociopath revealed himself for the liar and deceiver that he is via his cruel departure.

I am grateful for his departure, don’t get me wrong. But I am still in the midst of my ongoing process to try to make Meaning and sense. (I have kind of surrendered to the hopelessness of “making sense” of it all. But I will ever strive to find, make, imagine Meaning!!)

I have found a volume of meaning so far. No doubt.

However…. A few days ago I was thinking about what made me vulnerable in the first place. What was the “hook” that hooked me so completely, so effectively, so surely from the earliest of moments?

(I have found some journal entries from those very early moments. If I ever thought I didn’t inquire, didn’t challenge my experience, didn’t wonder about the rightness of my next steps… Well I found the proof. I DID do all the questioning I’ve come to expect of myself. I DID do all the challenging of the validity of the experience – not presuming it was True just because it was Good.)

NOW

The question: What made me vulnerable? What was the hook that got me (so) hooked?

It was those aspects about me that I could not / would not accept (and note to self: still have not accepted) as “acceptable.” The things about me that I KNEW eliminated me from the hope of being truly loved, the things that were wholly unacceptable… these were the juiciest of bait. (Shit. Who was catching whom?? Is the metaphor wrong, or Freudianly perfect?)

  • I was becoming quite and utterly convinced that I may not have the ability, the capacity to let someone love me, to trust someone when they claimed to love me, to be able to love someone wholeheartedly. Convinced that I may be so unacceptable that there is no one who could love me.
  • I knew that I was inherently unlovable … and the outward picture of that was: my (then) smoking; my housekeeping; my weight. But these were the reasons my logical mind needed as proof in order to say “see, not loveable.” Truth is … this belief exists first. Not the other way around. Note to Self: Come back to this point…
  • When he loved me IN SPITE OF… amazingly UNDIMISHED BY… these very things that I hated about myself; when he consistently stated, and effectively convinced me that these things had nothing to do with what he loved about me, that these things did NOT DIMINISH his love for me…
  • I suddenly see that it was this that allowed the walls of resistance, of fear and of negation to fall from around my heart. This acceptance allowed me to allow Love IN! I could suddenly for the first time let someone all the way in to Who I AM!! I let him in to the most intimate places in me because he proved to me that I WAS worthy!! To self: Who did I need convincing about!?? Who do I need convincing about today?
  • I let him in because he jumped over the hurdles of what I hated about myself. No need to mention that all of this “undiminished love” turned out to be merely the tool, not the truth.

MY JOB NOW:

To remove the currently, unfortunately still potent possibility of being hooked by another sociopath.

To remove these hurdles to ME LOVING MYSELF.

To accept every last ornery cranky nasty grimy part of myself as the whole loving loveable being that I am.

To finally learn what it is to LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. Because it is only this act, this change, that will remove the BAIT from the public square. To remove the possibility of being hooked again. To be able to BELIEVE the next person that offers me love, but not have to hand over my soul in the process!

I don’t know intellectually how I will accomplish this… the resistances in me can even now be heard along the fringes of my thoughts. But my desire for my life, my safety, and my desire to know love again, and truly this time, is strong enough that I think THIS will make it possible. THIS will motivate me to do the work I need to do.



30 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: My journal entry about susceptibility to the sociopath"

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  1. jules says:

    what is a beneficent sociopath i have never heard of this before but i now think that is the type of sociopath i was involved with. i read it in one of the above blogs. my s path made me feel unreal confident beautiful and extremely loved by him in the begining especially. i think as stupid as it sounds thats why i miss him still not the bad stuff but all that amazing stuff he gave out. and i am curious and would be jelous i think if he was like that with someone else in a way even though i know he will hurt her too in the end. i think that is why i wonder what he is up to now if hes with someone else ect.



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  2. alohatraveler says:

    Jules,

    He probably is with someone else and if he is, he is doing all that same stuff. The key is to recognize that you ARE all those things he said, even if you never met a guy who said all that before. (You know how guys can be doofs!) But the dangerous part is to think that when he was being “nice”… that was who he really is. And when he was being “mean” that was just the sociopath at work. All of it is part of the sociopathic mind. ALL OF IT.

    Tell YOURSELF all the nice things you want to hear and affirm yourself. When you find yourself thinking about him saying all the nice things we ladies like to hear, shut it off… go to the mirror and say those things to yourself. Or find some male friends, family, uncles, Dad, any good man that you know and ask them for an affirmation. You would be surprised what people are willing to do. This works well in a retreat environment, by the way.

    I did something like this a long time ago when I was going through a “there are no good men” phase. I called all the men in my life that I thought were good and gave them affirmation. One of them even cried.

    Anyway, what the sociopath said about you is true… you are beautiful, wonderful, clever, blah blah blah but I think what they have is a sense of what we are unsure of in ourselves and then they feed it to us like a feast. And we get hooked. That is why you were so hungry for those words and why it hooked you so bad and why you put up with whatever it is that you put up with. I did it too.

    Aloha, E.R.



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  3. OxDrover says:

    I am not sure how I missed this wonderful essay from Donna. I am working on just this right now. Looking at MY part in all the allowing myself to be victimized by all the Ps in my life. Allowing myself to be maintained in the FOG that obscured the REALITY of what was happening.

    Why I allowed “walk on me” to be tattooed on my back, and why I was the one to “apologize” when they complained that my bones were hurting their feet as they stepped on my back!

    Why I CHOSE to be so blind? Why I chose to allow the abuse that I KNEW was not what I deserved.

    I am applying these things to my life now, not just to dealing with the Ps in my life, but applying them to all aspects of my life and relationships…why I would feel “guilty” if I didn’t “please” everyone else in my life, why I would not set appropriate boundaries with everyone in my life.

    Now, I am lookiing at myself and seeing where I need to amend my boundaries and I am doing just that WITHOUT (for the first time in my life I think) feeling guilty.

    What a wonderful feeling to be able to do that! I’m still a bit “wobbly” on my new legs, but growing more steady each day. Almost ready to take off the “training wheels” to my new power. Still questioning some of the boundaries, but once I “see” each one for what it is, (not colored by the “old me”) then moving forward more confidently.

    Making decisions more confidently, with less “anxiety” about each one—realizing I don’t have to be “perfect” or “always make the right decison” to be OK.

    Being responsible for myself, and requiring that others be responsible for themselves—not jumping in to volunteer to be responsible for others problems. No enabling, no wanting to be enabled. Being INTER-dependent with those I love and that love me.

    A year ago I never even realized how good life could be—and I haven’t changed anyone except myself. The Ps are still Ps, and the enablers are still enablers, but by changing ONLY my reactions, and my way of looking at them, I have changed my entire life. LIFE IS GOOD. PEACE is GREAT!



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