Someone asked me the other day if there was anything anyone could have done that would have made a difference in what eventually happened when I was with the sociopath who is no longer in my life.
Had I been forced into a program that made me aware of what was happening within me while I was with him, would you have gone down so far, they asked?
I do remember the craziness in my head while I was trying to justify his actions to myself, and pulling away from my friends as they tried to pull me into reality. We’ve talked a lot about how they felt so helpless watching me disappear before their eyes in my attempt to become invisible. They wanted so desperately to help me. And I wanted to be so far beyond their help because I could not bear their pain added to mine.
In retrospect, at the time, everything was so wrong within me, that I simply could not hear anything outside of the howling inside my head. Their love hurt because I didn’t believe I was deserving of it.
Today though, it is the love of my daughters, my family and my friends that has helped me heal. Their love has given me the strength and courage to trust, have faith and believe in me. Their love has reconnected me with my divine truth, love is limitless and I am connected to the circle of our love because I am alive.
About the only thing that would have changed the course of history at the time, would have been for them to perform an ‘intervention’. Lock me away somewhere for a couple of weeks, where I received professional treatment to unhook his unholy tentacles wrapped around my mind. But who knows what would have happened when I was released?
Back then, I was pretty sick. I didn’t know about No Contact. And I definitely didn’t know about sociopaths and abuse.
Today, I do.
Since receiving the miracle of my life when he was arrested May 21, 2003, my healing has been a journey of discovery of me.
In those first critical moments of freedom, I did not ask why, why, why. I accepted I got my life back. It was a miracle. It was up to me to treat it with respect.
For me, that is the greatest gift I gave myself. To not ask ‘why did he do what he did?’ but rather, ‘what happened to me?’. Where did I go? How did I get so lost?
In those first heady days of freedom I focused on understanding sociopathy and narcissism so that I could learn as much as I could about what had happened to me. I learned about the behaviours, the red flags, etc. But I didn’t waste my energy trying to understand him. He is the lie. That’s all I need to know to heal.
When I write, He is the lie. That is true for me.
From hello to good-bye. I love you to I hate you. You’re beautiful to you’re ugly.
It was all a lie.
And I have no room in my life today for lies.
When friends or my family ask, but what about this, or what about that, I tell them. It was all a lie. There was no truth in him.
If I spend my time trying to figure out fact from fiction, all I am doing is trying to prove — I wasn’t so stupid. See, this was true. That’s why I fell in love with him.
Truth is. I fell in love with him because I believed his lie.
When I discovered the truth, I was so enmeshed in his lie, I couldn’t find the truth in me. And so I sank.
He did a lot of horrible, terrorizing things to ensure I stayed hooked into his lies.
In accepting the truth, that what he did was based on lies, I am able to accept that the hooks are also lies — and in that truth comes the power to let them go.
I still have moments though! Every so often he’ll sneak up into the back pockets of my mind and settle in for a little visit.
That’s when I have to turn up for me and say, go away. There is nothing in you I believe in. Everything in me I do.
And when the tears and fears and sorrow become too great, I simply breathe, look up into the sky and see once again the limitless possibilities of my life today.
And in that action of looking up, I surrender and fall once again, in love.
Was he my addiction? He manifested for me all that was out of harmony within me. He played the discordant note that set my psyche ajar and tilted my world so completely I almost slid off the edge.
In accepting him as the catalyst of my opening into myself, I let go of the need to remember him in love or hatred. As a catalyst, he exploded when I stepped into the light of my life and freedom to be all of me.
I can no longer look to him, however, as the reason for my angst. He is gone. If I am in angst, it is because I am off-balance and reacting to a circumstance or situation in fear. So, I breathe and in that breath my memory is triggered. I am who I am, beauty and the beast, joy and sorrow, fear and love — and in that breath, I move into love so that my fear becomes just a memory of something I knew or didn’t know to be true for me today. Back then, I feared the past. I feared the future. Today I fear neither. I cannot change one nanosecond of what happened and the future will only be revealed through my courage and beauty and truth today to live without fear that the future will simply be a repetition of the past. Doesn’t have to be.
In fact, in the choices I make today, the past will never be my future because I make choices that honour and support me on my journey in freedom.
That’s the gift of freedom today.