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Make your truth your reality after the sociopath is gone

A caterpillar spins its cocoon without conscious thought of why or when or how. Nature propels its spinning ways until, possibly out of sheer exhaustion, it falls asleep to dream about flying free of the cloying nature of its weave. When the time is right, its metamorphosis from one state to another is complete and a butterfly is born.

We are not the caterpillar, being transformed by forces of nature beyond our control. We are human beings, doing the things that put us in control, or out of control as the case may be, of our transformation. Often, laden with our self-limiting beliefs, we resist change like a cat resists taking a bath. We claw and spit our way into reverse action, spinning protective webs of the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, in our desperate attempt to hold ourselves in place and ward off change. James Belasco and Ralph Stayer wrote in their 1994 best-selling book on leadership, Flight of the Buffalo, “Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have—and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.”

There is no truth in his lies. No light in his darkness.

When I was involved with the sociopath, I couldn’t see what I would gain by leaving him. I had a litany of excuses as to why I couldn’t leave and I defended my right to stand by my man as I vehemently rationalized my right to stay. I couldn’t look at possibilities of leaving him because I didn’t see that there was anything I would gain by giving him up.

Released from that relationship, it was a case of ‘grow or die’. While with him, I was the living, breathing, walking dead. I didn’t resist change so much as give up on the possibility of change ever happening in my life because I could not see that I could have a life beyond the realm of my existence with ‘him’. I could not see the end of the story without him in it. I had completely submerged my identity into his. Tied myself to him within the sticky cocoon of his lies and my own self-limiting beliefs that said, “I am no one without him.” “He is all that I deserve.” “It’s all my fault.” “He’s right. I’m stupid.”

I look back on the woman I was and wonder, “Who was she?” While I also wonder, “What on earth was she smoking?” I know that woman was me. I love her for the abused and battered woman she was. She was me, once upon a time. She is not me today. In that moment of release when the police walked in and arrested him, I knew I had to take a leap. The choice of staying with him was gone. Was I going to grow or die under the weight of blame and shame and sorrow and guilt that threatened to bury me alive? It was up to me.

My choice is to grow and live free of his abuse.

I chose to grow and live. Making the choice wasn’t a slow process. It was a moment in time when the police took him away and left me alone with the devastation of my life. In that moment of crisis I took an evolutionary leap into the void. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know what I was going to do. But I knew I wanted to live. The rest was simple. BE committed to DO what it takes to HAVE what I want. To be free of the past, I knew I had to rethink my thinking. Brush up on my existence. Retool my perceptions and reclaim my human experience.

That is the way of change, of evolution, of revolution. It isn’t a linear line moving predictably forward. It’s a circling spiral rising up within us. Sometimes, we slip back, or halt along the way as we catch our breath and regain our senses. Sometimes, we soar upwards, ascending through earthly matter outwards into the vastness of the universe, catching momentary glimpses of the greater truth that exists beyond our consciousness, out there in the universe amongst the glittering stars of our existence. In those moments we know the truth: We are creations of wonder. Divine reflections of the miracle of life. Children of God, of Buddha, Baha’ula, Allah. Whatever you call it, we are divine beings of spirits rising.

While it isn’t a painfree process, healing from these relationships is a joyous journey away from darkness into light. It’s like writing. Every morning I face my screen and wonder, what will I write? The screen before me is blank and often my mind feels almost as blank! I tell myself I don’t want to write. I think about cleaning the toilet, taking the garbage out, anything to avoid that which I must do. Write. As I sit in front of the computer I have to let go of my fear of writing and fall into my joy of creating words that have meaning. I have to let go of my resistance to being part of a change that creates words that have meaning for me and might or might not have meaning for eyes I cannot see, somewhere out there in the delicate web of the Internet. I close my eyes, take a breath and leap. In that moment of suspension, I trust the process of creation and trust the creative process to appear.

That’s life. Living in the moment, suspended between what was and what could be, existing in the now of creation, spinning dreams only we can weave. When I write, some days, my words flow. Some days they appear in sluggish protestation of the time of day, my tired state of mind or simply my resistance to creating value in my own life.

Be. Do. Have. And Give Back.

In my BE. DO. HAVE. frame of mind, I accept that change is a necessary part of living and I create the change I’m living. There is only one way to transform a blank screen into the written word and that is to let my thoughts flow out through my typing fingers. There is only one way to transform the pain of a realtionship with a sociopath into the life of your dreams. End the craziness. Stop his lies from holding you back from claiming your beautiful life today. Claim your right to be free of the past. Step into the moment unfettered by the sticky cocoon of his devious way of being and make your truth your reality today. Make it real and make it happen and love yourself with everything you’ve got. You’re worth it.


Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

5 Comments on "Make your truth your reality after the sociopath is gone"

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  1. Grace63 says:

    My ex, the sociopath in my life, lied, cheated, and convinced me to give him money with numerous pity plays. He also stole from me, opened up four accounts using my social security number, forged my name on checks etc. Most of these incidents were in 2005, and he covered his tracks very well..lawyers and police tell me that the only choice I have is to try get a Judgement against him…because I do have a Promissory Note for $160,000.

    We stopped seeing each other three months ago. I had to get a restraining order against him to stop calling me, and emailing me badgering me for more money. He told me has a pending personal injury lawsuit which would yield big bucks, money coming from his father, etc…to get me to give him more money. I bought it for a while.

    My attorney spoke to his attorney, and found out there is indeed a lawsuit in the works, but, it HAS NOT been filed, and it is not likely going to yield a heck of a lot, because he is claiming injuries that do not exist, and he is a documented criminal, with a history of fraud and theft.

    When my attorney showed me the 5 open warrants he had for his arrest (April this year)… I finally woke up…and realized what was happening. I called the police on him…pointed them in the direction of the local AA Club, which was and still is his hangout.

    I have a history of physical abuse and incest as a child, and denial WAS one of the ways I dealt with it…He knew my history and threw it up in my face when I was NOT acting like he wanted me too…or NOT giving him more money.

    Well…I read your post…and, I really do want to move on…but, find myself getting obsessed about the money he owes me…and the pain in my heart over having ABANDONED the truth, and abandoned in essence MY SELF…over the lies, and him walking scott free.

    I doubt I will ever see a dime…but, I still feel so much pain in my heart, I am suffering terribly from depression…and resent having to pay $1400 monthly for his debts. The Promissory Note I have says he was supposed to start paying $650 monthly beginning in September 2006. Of course this has not happened, and, my attorney says we are not likely to ever see a dime from hiim…but, we can make his life miserable, force him into bankruptcy or to flee.

    The hard part for me is watching him move around town as if nothing ever happened; he has no shame. When I go to the meeting at the AA Club, he hangs around outside laughing and he even picked up his 3 year sobriety chip as if nothings happened (he spent 2 weeks in jail for the 5 warrants; now he has two several upcoming trials on theft charges).

    Last night, I finally decided I could not go to the meeting any longer, nor to the meeting house that seems to harbor people like him. And, I feel good about this. YEEHA! Another step forward for me…ESTABLISHING boundaries…my friend, and the woman in charge of the meeting, who happens to be my sponsor, has said that WE can move the meeting…and, this is such WONDERFUl support for me right now.

    My main problem right now is the obsession, depression and resentment. I want joy back in my life!

    I failed to say earlier, I just recently retired from a 20 year career in the Air Force…and, I am in my 3rd Semester of my Master’s program, AND have a 13 year old girl going into highschool this year…YES, LOTS of changes,

    I really do need help in keeping my spirits up; my daughter came into my room last night and was crying…and, wanted to sleep with me…I asked her what was wrong, and she said, you’re always crying Mom. For her, I want to be healthier and happier, and for my Self.

    I am trying to accept this IS a grieving process and that my process is a very complicated one right now…with lots of challenges…but, I willl get throught this…I would like to release the obsession, turn my energy into something positive, and experience faith more than fear….but, I am what I am, and it is what it is…I will try to be kind and gentle with myself…

    This blog has been great for me…thank you so much!

    Thanks for being here!



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  2. anne2886 says:

    Many times, I too, have wondered, ” Am I a sociopath”? After having been in sooo many different relationships, for sooo many years, with them (unrecognized at the time of course, I found myself in many perplexing self- destructive behaviors and attitudes. I then mentioned to my psychiatrist, my fears of being one, and her comment was:
    “If you are worried and concerned you are one, you most likely are not, because a sociopath wouldn’t care of they were one or not”.

    I thought that was an excellent answer



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  3. Dear Grace,

    Grieving is a process. It is not a straight line. A road from point a to b with clearly marked signposts. It is a spiral. Up and up, sometimes we stop, catch our breath. Sometimes we slip back, slide forward. It is a journey upwards however, for each day the pain lessens, the ache in your heart eases and the light takes over the dark.

    That relationship cost me a great deal of money. I lost my home, my car, my job, my savings, my belongs. My lawyer said we could sue and win — but it would be an empty winning. I would end up paying legal costs, win a settlement that I would never see. because the conman had no money — in spite of his assertions to the contrary! I knew it was true. I knew he was the lie.

    Why waste my precious time proving a point? There was no sense in it for me so I chose to focus on me, myself and I. For me, it made more sense to let go of looking for retribution through legal retaliation. I chose to focus on healing me so that I could claim my beautiful life free of abuse.

    Give yourself some goals to work towards Grace. Ask yourself with every step you take — is this taking me closer to, or further from my goal. and than choose accordingly.

    And yes, be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with tender loving care. Be kind. Thoughtful. Considerate. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

    M.L.



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  4. Hi Anne,

    Very wise words from your therapist. Take yourself back to a time when you felt magnificent. If you can’t find one, ask yourself, What would I feel like if I believed I was a magnificent human being. Am I willing to accept it’s possible? Yes. Good. Then embrace that feeling and keep moving into it. Don’t let the voice of self-doubt and denigration in your head drown out the truth — you are a magnificent human being on the journey of her lifetime. Live it fearlessly. Live it in love with you!



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  5. Grace63 says:

    Thanks for the reply M.L. I have been very blessed with a wonderful support system. And, my goals right now are many. I would like to continue to grow spiritually and emotionally, to provide the best life I can for me and my daughter. To continue to live according to spiritual principles and God.

    The immediate shortterm look more like: I want to get through next week…finish up my one class, and then after that complete a week of “intensive trauma” work with my therapist. Then after that I have to focus on getting a job.

    Since I wrote the last comment, I had my 44th birthday (and as I blew out ALL 44 candles, I made a wish) and after that I had a “shift” in my thinking…my tendency to focus on the negative/what I loss sort of thing. After that wish and my birthday, I have been feeling pretty darned good about everything…

    Focusing on ME has been very much what I wanted a shift toward, and I have it…for the moment…and, will continue my work in therapy, ALANON, and along my personal journey.

    I also thought about the benefits/non-benefits of getting a JUDGEMENT against the man that harmed my daughter and I; and, I decided that I would go ahead…because I needed to “stick up for myself” in order to feel like I did not abandon myself. I don’t really necessarily expect anything from it, except that I have done the right thing, and indicated to the sociopath that he cannot get away with what he has done without consequences. My attorney has capped what I owe him at the initial retainer, unless we collect money. He even says that we will likely not see anything…but, it is important for me to have some sort of justice. I guess we are different in that sense.

    One of my problems has been not sticking up for myself, and truly, it is important that I continue to learn how to stick up for myself..and, it is a very slow process, but, I am feeling better every day. Very empowered.

    Thanks again M.L. for your reply…I continue on with my journey of healing, surround myself with the love of friends, work on myself in one-on-one therapy, group therapy, and ALANON, and am keeping my eye on the love and blessings in my life and my daughter who continues to grow more beautiful each day.

    I continue to believe that I will look back one day and this experience with the ASP will in fact just be a “blip on the radar” screen. I plan on not allowing this to ruin my life…it has been a costly lesson, but, one that I might one day be able to help others with having experienced it.

    Yes, I do deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and it first starts within…and, that is what I am focusing on, as much as I possibly can.

    My life is in a great transition, and I am a balancing act sometimes, but, I am working it…and amongst all the therapy, schoolwork, job searching etc, I am having fun, laughing, counting my blessings, reading, writing, praying, and remembering I am ME…a wonderful, talented, beautiful, courageous woman…and I AM PROUD of me today!

    This is part of the growth process…and, when I am down, I try to pull this part of my Self out and remember my progress and try to be gentle with myself as you so kindly reminded me M.L. Thanks again.

    And, yes, Anne, I also liked your therapists answer…I chuckled a little bit, because it is so true. I know I would “feel very sick” when I spent to much time together with the socipath…because HIS energy rubbed off on me…
    and my boundaries are very thin…I actually felt like I was sicker when I was with him physically…even if I was in a somewhat healthy mental place prior to being with him…

    Thank Goodness, those days are gone!

    Peace,

    G



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