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Victor or victim after the sociopath is gone

In the aftermath of an encounter with a sociopath, it is easy to get stuck in the “why.” Why did he/she do it? Why didn’t he love me? Why did she treat me so badly? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why? Why?

In healing, it’s imperative to let go of why to focus on “what.” What can I do for myself today that will ease my aching heart? What can I do to heal? What do I need to do to reclaim my soul, my spirit, my essence? What steps can I take to lead me away from the horror and pain of yesterday to embracing myself in love today? What is important to me today? What will create more of what I want in my life rather than less? What next?

I will never know why he did what he did. I will never know what he was thinking, or feeling — and that’s okay. His thoughts and feelings will not change my life. His thoughts and feelings are not important to me today.

My thoughts, my feelings count. Asking why about him keeps me from focusing on me. And I deserve to let go of him so that I can get on with loving me.

To let go and get on with loving myself so that I can live my beautiful life, I must accept that there is no hope of a better past, no future in which the past will be a perfect reflection of my life today, no moment when the past will be anything other than what it is, events that have brought me to today. Events and happenings that strengthened me, even when I felt at my weakest. Even when I believed I could not go on.

This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery – to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made “better.” It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.

In the past I was a victim of a sociopath. And now I’m free.

How I live my life in freedom is up to me. Victor or Victim. My choice.

I choose Victor.


Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

98 Comments on "Victor or victim after the sociopath is gone"

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  1. Frost says:

    I have been helped so much just knowing I am not alone. I am 52 years old and I have spent the last 16 years with a sociopath. It is so helpful reading all the painful comments. I hurt so bad, I have two kids and a week before Christmas my sociopath walked out the door and moved in with someone else ready to pay his bills. Someone new that believes his every word. I stopped listening to his lies a long time ago. I believe that he needs someone to believe his lies to make them truths in his head.I am so angry I tend to push him, my kids fear I will push him so far I will end up hurt. I had no idea there so many people out there in my situation. Thank you all…

  2. Frost says:

    What deeply saddens me is that I cant “fix” this. It does not exist. It was 16 years of lies, so unlike putting the broken pieces of a tea cup together, none of the pieces are real.

  3. shabbychic says:

    Hello Frost, I am sorry you have been going through this hurt,
    I am so very glad you found this website,
    it has help me tremendously!!!
    A lot of really good people on this site.

    Your second post is very insightful,
    and it’s sad, and it hurts, it is hard to even accept.
    I hope to hear from you again real soon,
    we’re all here to help each other. Welcome.

  4. Frank Lee Speaking says:

    De-humaizing the sociopath was what cured me. I stopped thinking of her as a “she” and instead an “it”, “that”, a “thing” and so on.

    The fact is, she wasn’t very human. One of the first things I noticed about her was how feral she was. The sex was great for a while and then it drained my energy. I like to make love, she just want to “f**K*”… She wanted her nipples bit and have sex on a pile of cash in the early days, and as soon as she realized I was not into her concept of sex, she developed this romanitc lady whore persona. Honestly, all she knew about sex before me was from porn.

    I also found that thinking back of the outragous things she said helped a lot too. I recall when she found out her mother was dying of terminal cancer we went to the hospital and on the way into the door to meet up with her mother and family she turned and said to me in all seriousness:

    “How does one behave in a situation like this?”

    Aghast and shocked by such a statement, I wanted to say, but held in, “your’ mother is dying – YOUR MOTHER!!!” Then when she relaized that she said something which shocked me she came back with.

    “Well the problem is my family is so dysfunctional…”

    Not so, they were all nice, normal and very sad and upset. She was looking at them in the hospital to take cues on how to behave when you mother is dying… Her hugs and comforting was all very staged and devoid of compassion.

    Going over these kind of events just made me see the beast for what it was and I got over the lowlife in no time. So I would say de-humanizing sociopaths is really healthy. Was for me. They do not deserve to be understood as people. They are not one of “us”.

  5. one_step_at_a_time says:

    Frost – your metaphor is excellent. we often try to put the cup back togehter – like ‘normal’ people would, but the pieces have no substance that resembles a cup.

    in my case the ppath created a number of characters (she does this in ALL of her cons, even before the internet I suspect), so one of my great challenges was to dismantle them as ‘real’ also.

    thanks for the image; i said ‘wow’ aloud when i read it.

  6. one_step_at_a_time says:

    frank lee – your post brings it all together; all the pieces that add up to nothing we understand as people. it is sucha different paradigm to really ‘get’. it’s creepy – like a ‘they walk among us’ scary movie trailer….but THEY really are in the house.

    my spath made up so many characters that if you didn’t like one, she had another you would. so a lot of the things everyone here talks about one spath displaying were spread over many characters for me. took a while to get that they were one – then i could see the mask on/ mask off experiences. it also helps that she is all over the internet and i have been able to read her other scams and read about others and how she interacts after being outed. crazy as hell this one. she denies even when caught with her hand in the cookie jar ON VIDEO.

    some day she will be only a memory.

  7. Frank Lee Speaking says:

    “some day she will be only a memory. ”

    I have already methphorically made dead my sociopath. I even drew a small sketch of a tombstone with her name on it and no flowers, only unkempt leaves lying around and cobwebs. Felt great.

    I mean, this is the destiny of all sociopaths. For all their behavior on this earth they will leave no lasting memories and will rot in the ground and be forgotten in a very short time. By drawing that image, I, just in my mind, moved up this event so I could enjoy it sooner.

  8. one_step_at_a_time says:

    frank lee – this is a great idea. i will try it. art heals.

    and perhaps i can draw something of all of her dupes over the years – all the one who know who she is and those who are still left shaking their heads, having NO idea what that truck was that screamed through their lives.

    knowing that many many people have been damaged by her has opened a wound in my heart that i haven’t dared to relate with directly. but it seems that i am ready now. such evil and pain she has created.

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