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Futility: trying to save a sociopath

Dorothy Hooks is a Christian woman who tries to live by the Bible. When she met Cedric Youngblood, she saw a man who never had a chance. His family life as a child had been abusive. He had been in and out of jail. Dorothy saw someone who just needed to get out of the ghetto and learn the meaning of love and family.

In Dorothy, Cedric saw a giving, caring woman who wants to do the right thing and help people.In other words, Cedric saw a target.

Last week, the Cedric Youngblood story was posted on Lovefraud.com. Dorothy courageously talks about her marriage to the man who she now realizes is a sociopath. But for more than three years, Dorothy focused on Cedric’s potential, hoping he would change his abusive behavior.

Again and again, Dorothy gave Cedric another chance. She kept forgiving his cheating and his violence. She knew he could change.

He didn’t.

“I didn’t realize that for a person to change, he has to want to change,” she says. “If that person doesn’t want to change, he’s not going to change.”

Victimizing nurturing women

In his book, Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare points out that psychopaths (the term he uses) are experts at identifying and victimizing nurturing women.

There are many people in the world who want to think the best of everyone.Time and time again, Lovefraud has heard from people who have been deceived and defrauded by sociopaths who say, “I never knew such evil existed.”

It does.

Sociopaths make up 1% of the population. That means in the United States, there are 3 million of these predators looking for victims. These people have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. By the time they are adults, their personalities are set. Any attempt to change them is futile.

Discerning those who want to change

Of course, there are millions of people who get into trouble in their lives and deserve a second chance. So it’s important to be able to differentiate those who can be rehabilitated from those who can’t.

The first step is to accept that sociopaths exist. The second step is to know the symptoms of the disorder.

Then we may be able to discern the people who really want to change from the sociopaths who only mouth the words so they can keep bleeding us.



87 Comments on "Futility: trying to save a sociopath"

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  1. ConnedInCharlotte says:

    Oh goodness, this post really hit home with me.

    I knew The Perp had a few screws loose as we were dating, but I felt like if I was kind enough, he would change. I’d catch him texting other women or chatting online, and I would approach him and eventually forgive him. I tried church and praying for him.

    He seemed to have lots of past issues–abusive childhood, cancer diagnoses, a former girlfriend he couldn’t get over… and I thought that with enough love and kindness, he would learn to treat me the way I should be treated.

    This was the WORST reasoning possible. I’ve now learned that the s-paths don’t feel compassion. In fact, they feel entitled. So when I forgave him for sneaking around… he didn’t feel guilty. He felt it was owed to him. Thinking about that just makes me want to explode in rage.

    I tried to change him, by God, and sometimes, I still think that I could. Sometimes, when I am beating myself up over things, I get stupid thoughts in my head like “if I were a better woman, he would have changed for me” or I wonder about the woman that he’ll come across in the future that will change him.

    But then I read these replies and realize… it wasn’t that I did anything wrong. And NO woman will change this man. They’ll just fall for the lies and deciet just like I did.

    Thanks, all, for the sage words of advice for someone who really needs it!



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  2. DUPED NO MORE! says:

    (((ConnedInCharlotte)))

    You are starting to see things now….
    I am sorry this has happened to your life and your world.

    I had all the same feelings as you: “If I just love him enough, he will change…” But it doesn’t work like that. Instead of ‘growing’ from our love and affections, they just suck them dry until there isn’t anything left.

    Tame the rage. Rage will only lead you down another horrid path. The only possible justification is no contact and ceasing all participation with this individual. THEN the ‘roadshow’ stops.

    Don’t beat yourself up kiddo…
    They aren’t worth it.

    Leopards don’t change their spots.

    Hang in there…we are here for you..
    *Blessings*

    Remember your value and your worth…

    Dupey



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  3. Ox Drover says:

    Charlotte,

    It is a long road to heal post-psychopath, because it starts out learning about what THEY ARE, and then as you progress and start learning about them, it eventually comes to a part that is learning about YOURSELF. Why did you allow the abuse? Why did you continue to “forgive” him lying, cheating, etc. Not that you are to blame, not saying that at all. But WHY did you stay when he was being abusive? So that it will never happen to you again, this self awareness is very important.

    The journey to healing contains many aspects and they are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual…because the psychopath has effected every aspect of our selves. We grieve for the person we loved, but find out that we only thought they were that person when in fact, they were nothing but a FAKE.

    Learning the signs and symptoms of psychopathy is important, but learning to set boundaries for ourselves, that is also important and necessary to our healing! God bless and again, welcome to LoveFraud.



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  4. callmeathena says:

    TOBEHAPPY

    Hey, totally great post, above, at 12:48. I too have been saved by the great peeps at LF. I was suicidal. I met my spath in 2008, I’ve been here, on and off, from 2009 forward, and I am so damn grateful. I could never do enough to repay Donna and Ox and Sky and everybody else.

    Group hug anybody?

    Athena



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  5. tobehappy says:

    Callmeathena….

    I wrote from my heart. I have also been saved by LF!!!…As I stated in my post from way back then…lol…I was a mess! Had I not found LF…I don’t know where I would be today!!

    I always tell my girls…since they were little…and “bad” things happenned to us (ie: breaking down on the parkway late at night…etc…)….

    “Out of everything bad, comes something good!”

    Funny thing…they remind me of that when I have my occasional meltdowns when something “bad” happens! lol!

    Well, out of Donna’s devastating experience…SO much good has resulted! She took a “bad” experience and made it into a positive. She has saved lives!!! From one person’s pain and recovery…..countless lives have been saved. By saving MY life….she saved my 3 children’s lives….and everyone who loves me!

    How do you repay someone for saving your life…your soul???
    I don’t know. I just “pay it forward” by finding time to help others on here!

    Thank you, Callmeathena….for appreciating my post. So glad I could help others. We all support each other here and thats what makes this place so wonderful and enlightening.

    HUGS, 2b



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  6. one/joy_step_at_a_time says:

    happy new year Kim, 2be and LL – good to read you all. peace, health and prosperity in 2012!



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