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By February 12, 2006 8 Comments Read More →

He or she is a sociopath—now what?

Before you figure out that you’re involved with a sociopath, your dominant state of mind in the relationship is confusion.

There are times when he (or she) is the most charming person on Earth. But he has been lying to you for so long that you don’t know what is true and what is false. One day he says the two of you are soul mates, the next day he beats you. You’re walking around on eggshells, never sure when a minor issue will send him into a rage.

Nothing makes any sense—until you realize that you’re dealing with a sociopath. Then suddenly, like a bright light coming on in a dark room, it all makes sense.

But now, if you’re still involved with the predator, you have to decide what to do. People who have been targeted—including me—give this basic advice: Get him out of your life.

Unfortunately, this can be tricky. He may have left you financially destitute. When you leave, he could come after you—with a smear campaign or violence. If there are children, the sociopath can act like responsible a parent in family court—so he wins the right to continue torturing you through the kids.

I’ve just added a section to Lovefraud.com called “Leaving the sociopath.” It’s a summary of tips and advice on how to get out and move on. It’s based on my experience and the experience of others who have been through it.

I am especially grateful to the members of MSN Psychopath, an online support group. Several have contributed their insights, and I’ve linked to some of their many resource documents.

Once you realize you’re involved with a sociopath, you must do something about it. They will not change. I hope “Leaving the sociopath” is helpful.



8 Comments on "He or she is a sociopath—now what?"

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  1. Maggie says:

    Yes, I know exactly what you mean Donna.

    I had wondered for weeks, no months, why a fifty year old professional man would behave so bizarrely, then one day last month I realized the truth and EVERYTHING made sense.

    The books “The Sociopath Next Door” has been a big help in explaining why these “people” do the things they do….

    Thanks for this website. It has been an ENORMOUS help to me the last few weeks!

    Maggie



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  2. chettibo says:

    It cuts both ways. I had a two year relationship with a women, that was finally I realized, a sociopathic personality.

    Eggshells, I think they have stock in them. And let’s not forget the many affairs. Reckless and without remorse.
    Projection is their game. Your the problem, a great foisting of responsibility. Master of manipulation, she often would have one of her many lovers, leave the house, through the back door and I entered the front door.



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  3. Deanna Frazier says:

    I had an unbelievable experience with a guy in Dallas and I do workshops for people over 45 getting back into the dating scene and if I hadn’t had my personal situation with a sociopath, I would not be able to understand. So the good news I can speak from my own experience. I am putting my story on my blog.

    Boy are you right, he still comes back every few months and the calls begin. I have his email blocked but he sure is persistent. The telephone company doesn’t allow you to block a cell number, which is all he uses. I just don’t answer the phone. He called the other night 3 in the morning and shocked me.

    My site is http://www.theuniversityofdationg.com and recommending that everyone read this website. Thanks Donna.



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  4. Cheryl says:

    Yes, Sociopaths are pretty much worthless pieces of ****on the planet who use other people to get what they want. I think my former marriage counselor is a fraud for continuing to counsel him after she told me that there is no treatment for him (Sociopath). I suppose the $120 an hour from the insurance company would be her motivation for that situation. He’s a loser, who is now paying for what he did to me, and it makes me warm and fuzzy inside to know that! I started dating a few months back and I am having the time of my life. My kids are older and I have way more time to have fun now that I’m not married to that whack job. We live in the same small town and love it when I run into him, usually when I am out on a date. I have met alot of men that actually exhibit sociopathic characteristics, according the the “20” list. Just not to the extreme of my ex. He still calls me, but will not leave messages, because if he starts that whack stuff, I just play the messages back on his parents, relatives, etc. voice mails. I save all messages from my cell to a hand held recorder and save every email. This will help when the law comes into play. You have to protect yourself in every way possible, including getting police reports of every incident.



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  5. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    It is so true Donna. Nothing makes sense until you realize the rages are on purpose, just smoke to cover up some secret activity of theirs, or to steer you away from some uncomfortable questions.

    My first husband would always accelerate the abuse until the original issue was lost. I tried and tried to be a better communicator, and sometimes I lost it with him too, which of course gave him more ammo. But something never added up. Finally, finally, finally, I realized it was all on purpose, and that hardened my resolve.

    The last time he moved out, I warned him, if you go, it will be for good. I will not take you back in a week. He left anyway, and of course tried to come back in a week. But the game was over. I told him if he went, on his own, to counseling, and learned about his problems, and changed into a man I could live with, he could come home, not before. Of course that was a no go.. lol. So after two years of pretty much ignoring him, I divorced him.



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  6. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    BTW this is the point at which his rage came out of the closet and he started attacking me legally, physically, with vicious rumors, etc. Not seeing the kids, lying about me, and finally plotting to kill me. But I never gave in, because I had finally seen the man behind he mask. I was actually surprised I survived that divorce.



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  7. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    Oh forgot to mention, at that time I was attending an excellent support group for adult children of alcoholics and other abuse survivors, that place was my lifeline, along with my church, during those awful days.



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